Anyone else hate their birthday?

Hi @KirSa_EnigmA,

You're definitely not alone in feeling this. Birthdays can be a tough time for a lot of people. I actually came across a recent thread where another member also shared that they didn't like celebrating their birthday: you can check it out here.

We often crave the validation from others to prove that we're worthy. However, by simply being here, by simply trying our best to navigate life, we are already heaps worthy. Is there something nice you can do for yourself to show yourself some appreciation? We often wait for others to show us care, but sometimes we forget we can do that for ourselves too.

@KirSa_EnigmA

Yes. Birthdays, Christmas, Fathers day, etc... Pretty much anything that remotely is about "me", I can't stand. I hate receiving any kind of praise, too.

@Ed1975 are your reasons similar to mine?

@KirSa_EnigmA absolutely... and more. It's horrible.

Hi @holdinghope5

"heaps worthy" - lol

I had a friend growing up from South Australia who used to use that phrase... the "heaps" part anyway.

To my original post though...

Doing nice things for myself seems hollow - as much as if others want to do nice things for me. Treating myself in some way just does not work to make me feel better. I feel guilty and undeserving of it.

I know this probably seems ungrateful, but this is the battle.

Someone tries to help by telling me I am worthy and appreciated, but in doing so brings up the problem.

I'd rather just disappear for these times of year. The other poster mentioned Christmas and Father's day etc too. Yep, same thing.

It's not my rule or tradition... but society holds me/us to it. As though there's some innate value or worth in these times of year more than others. There's not... every day is the same. The false expectation others feel to "do" something because of it is a burden they accept by rote. The guilt they feel for not fulfilling this obligation is prevented by putting it on me when it's my turn... and the merry go round continues.

Blind leading the blind.

I do hear you @KirSa_EnigmA it can feel quite uncomfortable being kind to ourselves, especially when we're not used to receiving it. You don't seem ungrateful at all, I've experienced similar thoughts and feelings around this too. I'm sure you've heard of the 'treat yourself as you would treat a friend' phrase before. If your friend were feeling the way you do right now, how would you support them? You don't have to answer, but just something to reflect on perhaps?

What do you think makes someone 'worthy'?

I come from a background where my parents never had their birthdays celebrated; in fact, I have family members who don't even know their real birth dates. However, they did make the effort to celebrate mine. To them, birthdays and celebrations were just an opportunity to invite family and re-connect. It wasn't so much about the birthday person. I guess different people have different reasons for celebrating their birthdays. If it's not something you want to do, that's completely fine as well. You are not obligated to follow our society's expectations; the choice is in your hands.

@KirSa_EnigmA I understand 100%, as @holdinghope5 mentioned and linked my recent thread along the same lines. It can be a result of numerous things, bad birthday experiences, reflecting on past birthdays, where you were compared to now, what you had compared to now and mourning losses.

Then there's the whole trauma from narcissistic abuse (in my case, mother, sister, ex wife of 17 years) and how every birthday (and special occasion) turned into a drama, or something I ruined, the event turned into something about them, heaven forbid the spotlight be on anyone else for a second. Then the guilt you feel for enjoying something, the unworthiness that you've been programmed into thinking. I could go on and on, but I don't want to drop my frequency. I can't change what happened and what happens, but I can change my perspective on it, I can control how I react to what happens. There are always good things to find, you just need to look for them, and make them your focus.

You are not alone. I absolutely will do anything to avoid my own birthday. I hate fuss and bother, and feel I am not worthy. It’s debilitating, because deep down, I really would like to enjoy my birthday, but there is this brain barrier that keeps on telling me that I don’t deserve anything for my birthday.

@holdinghope5

Waht makes someone worthy?

Well... that's a challenging question.

First though... I must apologise for my pessimistic attitude so far. It'd be putting it mildly to state that I've been a little jaded these past few days.

Onwards...

The question I think is not intended to find out a direct answer, but to have me question where the idea of being worthy in some sense came from.

Another posted recognised that there is an underlying 'programming' that's delivered to us, at some point, from somewhere, which plays out in the background.

The insight is, that there's no specific criteria for achieving peak worthiness within that frame. Whoever/whatever did that programming made it a loop:

• Do enough → be worthy

• Not enough yet → do more

• Enough moves → still not worthy

• Loop forever

The essence of it is that while there's this mystery value of "enough" - it's not a discoverable value except through appeal to some external source or authority.

Now... here's where it gets interesting(er) for me...

I've spent a major part of my life running another script: rebel against authority.

The paradox occurs where I seek approval - to be enough - by rejecting the authority that determines my worth.

I reject external authority, but the act of rebellion is still structured by the authority’s presence.

The whole son proving to his father that he's a man idea.

• Defy the father to become a man,

• But only feel like a man once the father approves.

Who is my father in this analogy? Well, maybe my father... maybe society... maybe some ghost of an idea passed down from man to man for generations as to what we're expected to do. Maybe it's biological - animalistic to a degree... strongest alpha leads the pack etc.

I have no idea the exact source. I'm tired though.

I need a new paradigm to exist within and it's a struggle to find it.

The idea of being worth something seems innate though... I mean, value... to what? for who? How?

Ultimately, I need to be a value to myself- first. So... I guess I start there.

Honestly, that seems like the hardest one!

It's way easier to help others than myself... so, I guess now I hvae to battle this whole self-sacrifice loops too. /sigh

@Fijen @Former-Member @Ed1975 @Kuroji <--- thank you all for sharing your thoughts and common feelings on this. It's good to know I'm not alone, and I hope maybe that my ramblings above bring some insight to your own situation. I make no guarantees though haha!

I will be going to see the new Superman movie on the day - movies are good. Distraction is good. Popcorn is good 🙂