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I've had thoughts of suicide since I was 12. I don't remember much of life before this time. I'm aware there are times that I haven't though as much about suicide as others, but it's always been a "yes please, that would be my preference" even during the better times.
Why am I still alive then? For two reasons:
- the emotional pain it would cause to very close family.
- the physical pain of accessible methods, and the risks of non-fatal attempts causing lifelong physical impairments.
How do I keep myself going all these years?
By focusing on how I can benefit other people's lives instead. If I'm going to put up with life, it may as well be beneficial to someone.
And to help me keep life less monotonous I look for 'interesting' things - quirky people, exploring foreign countries/cultures, trying new foods (even if i dont think I'll like them). I've never been a status-quo person.
I explain to MH supports that when life is not distressing I can carry on without seriously considering suicide as a possible option. I can say "hello there thought, I hear you but I have chosen not to act on it, things are OK". But when something sets things off kilter, its a pretty quick track back to "why am I still doing this? Do I really still have the same commitment to living? And why, for whom? Why can't I be permitted to die if that's what I want for myself?"
With decades of this under my belt, I have the ability to sit with feelings of extreme distress. And the courage to text or call someone if I need to - and I'm getting a little better at doing this *before* it gets too extreme, but I still hesitate because I don't want to burden others and the frequency of it happening during those unbalanced times is too often. I've persuaded myself a few times recently to instead call a crisis line, but waiting 30-45min in a queue can sometimes exacerbate the thoughts, and sometimes the calls might help dissipate the feelings (if i called early enough) but other times I feel worse after because of course they're going to try to give some positive outlook for the future, but it grates on me because deep down I dont want a future at all. Its actually refreshing when someone acknowledges that not liking/wanting life is OK - and instead just tries to look at how to rebalance the scales to help me cope with continuing to live despite not wanting to.
I'm not sure how un/common my way of thinking is. So much about suicide prevention is focused on short-term distress tolerance or "fixable" problems (eg situations).
What do I need from the community here...?
To be heard? To know if anyone else out there has a long enduring preference to die even when they aren't feeling active distress? And if so, has anything helped them longterm to shift that thinking?
If anyone knows of any practitioners who *specialise* in chronic SI since a young age, I'd really love to know who (if there is a way someone is allowed to??). I've tried Google searching and using online psych directories and reading bio's. I've seen many psychologists and psychiatrists in the past who haven't been able to help me shift this (even if theyve helped in other ways).
I do wonder if my neural networks for positive emotional may not have fully developed or may have atrophied due to the young age and length of time. I genuinely do not know what being happy feels like, I do not have any memory that I recall as being "happy" or joy, and I suspect this makes recovery much harder.
Im ok at the moment. Im safe. But it is exhausting.
In response to: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
AlwaysMyselfSenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Just a general update for those interested. I will use 'content boxes' just so people can opt to read or not read whatever parts they do or don't want to hear about - but nothing problematic or crisis at the moment. 100% safe feeling currently. Today's been a reasonable day (although I can start to feel my butt pain from sitting, even though it's only been 1.5 hours on the forums 😤😒).
@Cuddlebear (miss you; thinking of you; but no pressure to post. Just that you're not forgotten in your absence is all)
I spoke to my counsellor last week and also my support group this week about my internal conflict between [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said] which left me feeling that I was not being "fair" to myself [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said] - disingenuous. This internal conflict of "disingenuous" and "I shouldn't do that"-training was causing my difficulties with regulating my thoughts the past week or two.
Speaking with my counsellor, peer workers and support group I have been able to better accept that sometimes having choice [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said] is helpful in being able to put aside those thoughts and feeling ... more secure in having options. And that it's not always a bad thing, if a person is not impulsive. I realise a lot of people will disagree with this from a risk-management perspective; and for most SI-risk people I would agree. However self-control regarding SI has been a very big strength of mine, even during times of much more acute/volatile feelings.
[removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said] Sorry, @AuntGlow@tyme ; this was my "learning" the other night; I was trying to not be explicit.
The good news is that it did not make my SI worse or my mood spiral, [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said]. Instead, I feel more secure [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said] - the option/choice. The 'empowerment'. I don't feel internally conflicted or distressed between [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said]. I realise this is not strictly "recovery focused" by [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said], however the willingness to try Plan A first is. [removed myself to avoid controversy on what is allowed to be said]. Anything that would be "treatment" or "recovery" can be within Plan A (clinical trial & possibly private treatment if not in active group of the trial, continued counselling, continued pain management, time off work... That's all Plan A).
I mentioned it to my counsellor today - she is not worried, she knows me.
It reminds me a bit of my reflections upon your comment @tyme in another thread around SI not being "distressing" anymore, and being able to push it aside when it does come front of mind. I was wondering... is it not distressing because you no longer feel the emotional desire along with the SI? Or why is it no longer distressing to have those feelings? 🤔. (For me, the disconnection between "feelings" and "actions" is itself the cause for feeling distress, even though I may be doing exactly what CBT would say to do!)
I also mentioned to my counsellor today that, whilst uncomfortable, I do think some discussion/exploration/etc of how trauma has affected me may be worthwhile, even though I don't have PTSD and my self-concept negative beliefs from it have been effectively treated decades ago. I am aware of some trauma-related challenges I have, but they're not things that affect my daily functioning, which is why they haven't had much treatment over the years. I know I have a degree of childhood amnesia which I suspect is trauma-related, but that isn't a problem for me that I don't have episodic memory before high-school (with a few "snapshot" exceptions).
I thought @AuntGlow may find this interesting/good to know/hear.
I'm making progress on my paint-by-number slowly. I've had to do very short sessions of it often, taking breaks, due to back & butt pain. But that's OK - because the forum is a good alternative task when I need to sit/stand upright or lay down. 😋. Sometimes I feel I have been "too busy" to paint or be on the forums, but then I also don't recall what I have spent my time doing 😂. But I know that other than my appointments, I have had some extra social outings or chores/errands.
I am often conflicted with my feelings/experience of my coffee-group outings. I want the social contact, but then I feel disconnected in the conversation topics (or ignored when I say something and am talked over or someone immediately changes topic due to a distraction like a passing car/person). This week I decided to take my painting with me to do whilst chatting (despite my mother saying it would be rude to do so; I didn't feel it would be seen as rude by this group), and it worked well. They didn't think it was rude at all -- as one person said, they often read the paper whilst we all chat! and another person semi-often plays simple phone-games whilst chatting. I think it was a good mix of "social" and "i can also focus on my painting if I feel disconnected/disinterested in the current topic". I count it as a win. I also feel it is a good mental re-conditioning that "my mother isn't always right" in her view/perspective, and it is OK to trust my instinct on things like that (which are safe to test out).
I think that's "how things have been" 🤔. Still waiting to hear back re: peer support worker from Monday's service intake-visit.
FYI @tyme edited sections inside the content box. Let me know if there is any other sections you feel are best removed. @moderator
(For other readers - these edits were by my choice, I have not been asked to remove or modify them. But i realise there are too many people who don't understand that this was meant as a positive and "what has helped me this week" part of my journey.)
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Hello @AlwaysMyself, I haven't read the entire post yet as brain got side tracked after reading the trigger warning content (I'll read the rest later). But I just want to say that I can understand and relate to the thinking and reasoning behind the option to have plan b.
It's the same sort of thing for me in that I have a plan but not a time frame but rather it's for if things become too much and after seeking help/support has been unsuccessful. Allowing myself to have it there brings a sort of comfort and to know that i have that backup plan if it's needed. [edited by moderator] (please know I'm safe and seeking support around this).
I'm really proud of you for giving it your all with plan A sweetheart, you are doing amazing despite the challenges it comes with. Sending you hugs ❤️
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
tymeModerator
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Hey @MissGremlin@AlwaysMyself ,
We recognise things can get really tough sometimes, and thoughts around 'plan b' linger.
We want to gently remind everyone to stay recovery-focused. This is not to disregard your current thoughts and feelings. We are ensuring that the wider community do not feel potentially triggered by this discussion.
Perhaps discussion can focus on knowing you have ways to help you feel better?
Also, @MissGremlin , we've made a slight edit to your post to ensure it aligns with guidelines.
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@tyme thanks for the reminder, this is why I said that I'm seeking support around things. That's me still fighting in the hope that things can change despite how hard things are at times.
Also no worries on the edit.
In response to: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Due to forum guidelines there are certain things I can’t share including the name of the medication used with the infusion @AlwaysMyself
info I can share includes list of possible side effects. Things I need to be watchful for during the infusion and immediately advise nurses if one or more happen, even if reaction is minor
Unexpected pain has the most negative impact on my mood and ripples through to my SI and SH.
Impact of pain I’m used to and impact on my mood is affected by what else is happening
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@AlwaysMyself@MissGremlin
I hear you both and can understand.
im doing everything ai can to keep going as part of me knows I need to. Not for anyone else but for me.
at same time there’s the part of me that goes through the a,b,c with no set timeline. Things that I’ve already start talking about with my psychologist
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
MissGremlinSenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@Flutterbug9 you are doing so well sweetheart and I'm proud of you for starting these conversations with your psychologist. We are always here for you sweet ❤️.
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
NightFurySenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
@AlwaysMyself I find this post really hard to read. Though, I did read it. I know you and @MissGremlin have shared similar thoughts before and it felt the same way then.
I find it hard to read because I consider you both part of my forum family, and I'm sorry that both of you (both caring, empathetic and wonderurful souls) are experiencing so much hurt. Hugs to you both.
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Flutterbug9Senior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
Sending hugs @NightFury
how are you feeling?
are ok safe and OK?
100% empathise with you.
seeing such wonderful, caring people carrying such a heavy burden …. It’s not easy. I share your pain and upset. Wish so much I could do anything to help ease that burden
wishing I can do anything to help ease the impact on you. 🫂🫂
In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
NightFurySenior Contributor
Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning
We're improving how you access SANE services, starting with Forums
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For added security, members are now required to log in with their email address and password - member names are no longer supported for logging in.
If you had a Forums account before 19 May 2026 and haven’t set up your new login yet, you'll be prompted to set up your new secure login when you sign-in.
