TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Thanks @Cuddlebear. Yeah, have done a lot of thinking about the pros/cons and risk vs benefits. I will be chatting informally to a person who I know that works in HR tomorrow, and today I spoke to my GP about it and he agrees about taking a month off at the start of next year and then seeing how long I need off. So I will plan at this stage to take the first month off work (and I expect that it will take a lot more than that to get me to a stage when I am prepared to keep living, but I will just keep checking in with the GP to get additional time as needed) and during that time i will also be progressing towards the clinical trial. It's a scary thing to decide to do! But I am glad that I do already know a few people in HR in my workplace, and they know of my last 18 months of workplace exacerbating my MH disability, so I think they will be supportive of me and my doctor giving me sick leave.

I hope you are on the less-bad side of the range of bad that you feel from tapering today.

How much do you think is medication withdrawal effects, and how much do you think is because of a lack of the antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication and as such is you "mood without medication"? You don't have to answer of course, just wondering if you have any suspicion about the balance between two things that can both make it harder.

Oh, in regards to where I live (from the other thread). Its the smaller territory 😉 about a 7 hour drive (if by car not stopping like a bus or train lol) from your State's capital city.

Hey @AlwaysMyself just catching up on everything. Really do appreciate how honest and open you feel you can be, especially given the complex nature of this topic. From baseline survival instincts, to social values, to complex systemic trauma, all of these layers make it a difficult thing to be open about. So I appreciate having this extra bit of context about what's going on for you.

Something else that stood out to me in your post was this sense that travelling in the past with friends was more 'lighthearted and fun', and I am wondering what it was that felt more 'fun' for you?

Fun, playfulness, and silliness are big passions of mine 😉 Mainly because I think our modern society has us all under this illusion that 'fun' is something only children have, that playfulness and silliness are signs of immaturity. In my experience however, the happiest people I know are the ones who are willing to 'act like a child' from time to time.

So I guess like... I'm curious how you relate to the concept of 'fun' and/or 'play', and whether or not these are things that you feel are missing from your life at the moment?

@Cuddlebear I just read your post on the other thread re: the local mental health service and you GP disagreeing on the pace and the possible compounding pharmacy option, and your GP saying about limiting the frequency you can attend if you don't comply with his schedule for tapering.

You of course know what is or is not feesible in your situation, but I do wonder if it is worth a new GP - even if just for the mental health / medication tapering? I am concerned that they are not listening to how you are (not) coping and the effects it is having - especially when the MH professionals are suggesting and advocating for a slower taper for you and there are real options for that via a compounding pharmacy. *big hugs*. I worry that cutting your access to the GP as a support is possibly coercive (to their plan) and also may undermine trust and support for you.

I am grateful that @tyme shared their experience tapering with medication over a number of years, to validate that it is not easy and taking it slow and steady is absolutely a valid way.

My inner justice and carer wants to storm into your GP's office and tell them what's what! 🤣 (in a respectful and caring way for you, that is!). I hope this local MH can help advocate for you with the GP, or maybe even suggest another GP which would be more reasonable with your tapering schedule.

@Jynx I agree re: fun. I don't think I really allowed myself to have "fun" when I was 11 - until 9 years ago when I had a change of mindset (having said this, some of my travels with friends were during this time before my mindset). As you describe, I used to consider "fun" as silliness and immature - especially during my teenage years when my depression was the worst. I think this was partly due to a disconnect between how I felt vs how others my age had no concerns in life other than what I saw as inconsequential. I think also because whilst they were good friends and we all accepted each other as individuals and didnt have to be the same (e.g. it was fine that I did not like pop music, cosmetics or celebrities) it also meant that I didn't really have much in common with them other than being caring by nature. So I don't think I connected with their idea of "fun" at all.

After my first marriage dissolved I spent my 3 months living overseas (tourist visa, but working & studying remotely from a rented cottage) in a second-world country. I think I responded well to seeing how hard life was for people there with disabilities and also how "lucky" I was there to have running water (even though I couldn't drink it), etc. When I returned home I actually found it even more disconnecting with people around me because of the "first world problems" people would get so riled up about (which were not deliberate actions of people) and people complaining about how terrible the supports in Aus are because there are some gaps (compared to many other countries, we have reasonable basic supports for people in crisis, but yes there are gaps it isn't perfect). Interestingly though, my response to this at the time was to observe a friend of mine who was always "chilled out" and never riled up about anything. And I remember wondering how he does that 😅 and briefly talking to him about it, but also deliberately spending more time with him & chatting as a way to learn how to be more "chill" -- and in that process, allow a bit of silliness or lightheartedness. Silliness because most of the time he was chatty was when he was a bit (ahem, quite) drunk, so we had a lot of random joking conversations.

I think it was around then that I decided to make a few "rules" for life to just add that element of silly playfulness, but in a way that I appreciated. If I see a flavour of M&M's I haven't tried before, I have to buy it to try (even if I know I won't like the flavour, like chilli) - it's a rule! I also decided that I will try as many different animal meats as I can (as long as they are healthy and generally not illegal or unethically obtained --- sorry to any vegetarians; I respect your choice not to). I also decided that since ice cream was one of the few foods I liked, I would seek out unusual flavours to try and make sure to try locally-made ones when I travel and see them. Then, I decided to get an ice cream machine and learn about making them myself (but I need to be careful to not do it too much because of the fats and sugars). Its also why I allow myself to do crafts if I wish - the 3d plaster figure painting, or paint by numbers, its not "playful" but its also not consequential -- I am just allowed to do it without needing a reason for it.

Now days my "playful" is mostly expressed through my DnD (which I recall you are also a fan of, so i will explain a little how this looks for us). My aim in DnD is to think up what my character can do/say that will throw our DM off-guard and be baffled or not be sure how to respond. 🤣 (he loves it, and so do the others -- they also do the same now, and our DM is happy to be creative with rules to bend to allow/respond to our outlandish ideas). I have converted 2 other party members to cooking & eating any monster we dispatch (... unless we think they will be too toxic/poisonous). We have a cult which is enslaving (sorry, "encouraging") cultists to volunteer work for our ale brewery, cider, cyanide-poison, & cheese making start-up... and now our chief cheese-maker member is looking into collecting milk from any lactating female monsters we encounter (we will capture them to farm them, not end them, if possible) 😅. Our DM is pretty good-natured to let us do all this 🤣.

(DnD isn't always fun in the moment though, because our sessions go so slowly as the others are constantly getting distracted and forgetting what is happening -- yep they all have ADHD except me lol, so I try to be patient and find ways to amuse myself whilst waiting, but it is challenging when I am physically tired and just want to keep the game moving. It takes on average 2 hours to arrive & have dinner before the game starts).

"Support!" haha @AlwaysMyself I will reply to this properly tomorrow when I have more time. Hope you get a good night's rest tho!

(づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

@AlwaysMyself Hello lovely how are you? How is today?

I am so glad your GP is willing to give you the sick leave time off. Take that month and then see how that goes but like you send taking more is probably the best outcome and your GP is supportive. It’s wonderful that you’ll be progressing towards the clinical trial. Especially as you can be on leave to get the best benefit and focus on you without work stress.

I know it must be scary to make these decisions. But honestly you are being honest and really rational about the steps you need to take. I’m proud of you for having these difficult discussions with work and your doctor.

It is hard to say how much is tapering and how much is the mental illness. They’ve started the new medication … ie a cross taper but that isn’t working yet takes 4-6 weeks. They also need to increase the new one bit by bit.

Im not feeling much better and after yesterday and my GP response I’m really sitting with a lot of heaviness and no idea how to proceed. More in thwt later.

Hiya @AlwaysMyself hope your Saturday is unfolding okay 😊

It's interesting, I can actually really relate to what you talk about with your teenage experiences. Slightly different in that I think for me it was a combination of gender dysphoria and being the weird kid. I hated talking about pop music and make up and celebrities too, and to this day I am far more interested in philosophical and existential questions about the nature of human existence and the absurdity of being alive.

I love your little rules! I think you nailed it with ensuring that some of the things you're putting energy toward are inconsequential. No pressure, no one else's ideas to conform to, no limit to the when or the how or the why. Sounds like it has brought a lot of richness to your experiences 😊

Okay your DnD campaign sounds amazing!! Curious, have you ever heard of a Netflix series called 'Delicious in Dungeon'? It's this quirky little anime about a group of adventurers who go dungeon crawling and like... eat all the monsters!!

But yeah that sounds super wholesome, and it's my kind of 'unhinged' 😈😋

Random thought - since ADHD brains often thrive with a bit of time pressure, could you take on a role as like, time-keeper of the group? My old GM was having a bit of a hard time keeping combat moving for instance, so whenever we rolled for initiative he'd pull out a little 2 min sand timer to pop on the table - giving us a visual time limit indicator. Worked wonders, cos we all had to figure out what we were gonna do before our turn started. And nothing motivates ADHD-brain quite like panic 🤣

Food for thought!

@Cuddlebear Clinical trial wont be until late March, but yeah who knows if I will be at work or off work during that time. Thabk you for the encouragement about speaking up to docs and work for what i need. I do get concerned at time that people will think i just need to "suck it up" or am just trying to get time off, etc. Although i know my work rep is the complete opposite - very efficient worker with high quality output and always look for when i can help team with more work when i finish mine, and take very FEW sick days (often i try to work at least part a day from home even if im quite sick at home). I guess making decisions within myself that some may see as drastic leads to me being prepared to give it all i have to at least try everything possible. Its still a struggle inwardly with feelings to "hack it out" until i have time off and to even be willing to give it a try, but when i make a promise/commitment i keep it. Only a few weeks left until i will be on leave. Ive even booked the appointment with my GP so i dont forget and not able to get one. 😊

Cross-taper is great that you can start that now, because as you say it takes 4-6 weeks for them to fully come into effect so any head start is a good head start. It also means the alleviation of some MH symptoms sooner i hope! Maybe even by Christmas time!

Speaking of, do you have any Christmas time plans? Daughter visiting?

I have christmas day locally with my extended family on my mothers side, and then plan to go viait my father in Syd for a week or so (now that I wont have any timeframe to rush back for work i can take it slower to visit him and free accommodation with him).

Without scaring you, i reckon I'd enjoy hanging out with you if we knew each other f2f @Jynx 😎. Philosophical & existential discussions... delicious in dungeon (yep. Seen it - loved it. It was recommended to me because of my propensity to try every meat lol. ...i do wonder... what does a mimic taste like?)

A timer is a good idea i might float the idea and see how they respond. One of them would *definitely* time panic. Another one im not sure - they are always unprepared even if you suggest to begin thinking about it ahead of time (space cadet perhaps?). The DM... he's pretty good with also trying to keep the battle moving and bringing people back to making a decision --- unless he gets distracted by coffee or a conversation 😅🤣. Actually i wonder if a "no decision within 2 minutes" rule that meant the end of turn and character was a stunned mullet which did nothing would be a playful way to incorporate a 2min timer. Its like if you take too long the DM gets another turn.

Theyre coming over tonight, so if there is an appropriate opening i'll mention it. 😊

I think the hardest thing is getting the game *started* - that first 2 hours. Even if DM arrives early and I suggest to setup while waiting for others to arrive, they dont because they say yes and get distracted chatting or making coffee for 30min. (Maybe i need to start boiling the jug now lol theyre due in 10min!)

A quick update on other things not related to work, hence didnt put it with the other posts. You may recall my partner moved out a few months ago to decide whether they wanted to continue (and work on) our relationship or not - because I was not OK to keep going how it was. Well, since he still hadnt said anything (depsite agreeing to set a time to discuss 2 weeks ago) I took the opportunity last night to say that i assume no answer means he doesnt want to continue the relationship, which he said yes that was the decision (he just hadnt gotten around to telling me yet). So i guess that is final. He has no interest in trying to work on improving things. Of course he gave some "reasons" (which im sure were partially true, but not the whole truth because logically it does not make sense or be congruent with his behaviours) - i wont go into specifics. Im sure he was just trying to be "gentle" and put it on him "changing as a person". Or maybe he actually believes what he said.

How do i feel? Well, it is not a surprise. It is what i expected. Some part of me feel "free" now to get on with my life now that im not in limbo.

But last night i was really struggling with being angry about his lack of honesty with me, and that if I had not said that I was not OK with how the relationship was that he would not have stopped to think about it or what he wants - and he would have just continued to live as married to me but totally withdrawn and saying "nothings wrong" and that he was fine with how the relationship was. (This is what he said when i asked him how he felt before i said I wasnt OK with it). I know he just doesnt stop to think about emotions, so i get that its not a malicious or intentional "string me along", just how he is with life. But i feel angry because I have put in so much effort the past 3 years with him being grumpy and irritable (and in my opinion depressed) and tiptoing around his moods and being unhappy at how lonely i felt living with someone who ignored me (his downtime needs were engrossing himself in video games or youtube videos, not connection or time spent with me).

More later. Got to go due to people coming over.

I know its reasonable for me to be angry, but i dont want to be. All this year he kept saying he loved me (even though i didnt believe it) - did he really believe it himself at the time?

@Cuddlebear @AuntGlow @rav3n @Jynx @Ru-bee @tyme or whomever else passes by for an update on that side of my life.