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Managing thoughts of suicide & self-harm

TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

I figure it's better to introduce my challenges here than in a welcome. Hopefully only people willing to hear about SI will venture here.

TW: Suicidal Ideation

Content/trigger warning

I've had thoughts of suicide since I was 12. I don't remember much of life before this time. I'm aware there are times that I haven't though as much about suicide as others, but it's always been a "yes please, that would be my preference" even during the better times.

Why am I still alive then? For two reasons:

- the emotional pain it would cause to very close family.

- the physical pain of accessible methods, and the risks of non-fatal attempts causing lifelong physical impairments.

How do I keep myself going all these years?

By focusing on how I can benefit other people's lives instead. If I'm going to put up with life, it may as well be beneficial to someone.

And to help me keep life less monotonous I look for 'interesting' things - quirky people, exploring foreign countries/cultures, trying new foods (even if i dont think I'll like them). I've never been a status-quo person.

I explain to MH supports that when life is not distressing I can carry on without seriously considering suicide as a possible option. I can say "hello there thought, I hear you but I have chosen not to act on it, things are OK". But when something sets things off kilter, its a pretty quick track back to "why am I still doing this? Do I really still have the same commitment to living? And why, for whom? Why can't I be permitted to die if that's what I want for myself?"

With decades of this under my belt, I have the ability to sit with feelings of extreme distress. And the courage to text or call someone if I need to - and I'm getting a little better at doing this *before* it gets too extreme, but I still hesitate because I don't want to burden others and the frequency of it happening during those unbalanced times is too often. I've persuaded myself a few times recently to instead call a crisis line, but waiting 30-45min in a queue can sometimes exacerbate the thoughts, and sometimes the calls might help dissipate the feelings (if i called early enough) but other times I feel worse after because of course they're going to try to give some positive outlook for the future, but it grates on me because deep down I dont want a future at all. Its actually refreshing when someone acknowledges that not liking/wanting life is OK - and instead just tries to look at how to rebalance the scales to help me cope with continuing to live despite not wanting to.

I'm not sure how un/common my way of thinking is. So much about suicide prevention is focused on short-term distress tolerance or "fixable" problems (eg situations).

What do I need from the community here...?

To be heard? To know if anyone else out there has a long enduring preference to die even when they aren't feeling active distress? And if so, has anything helped them longterm to shift that thinking?

If anyone knows of any practitioners who *specialise* in chronic SI since a young age, I'd really love to know who (if there is a way someone is allowed to??). I've tried Google searching and using online psych directories and reading bio's. I've seen many psychologists and psychiatrists in the past who haven't been able to help me shift this (even if theyve helped in other ways).

I do wonder if my neural networks for positive emotional may not have fully developed or may have atrophied due to the young age and length of time. I genuinely do not know what being happy feels like, I do not have any memory that I recall as being "happy" or joy, and I suspect this makes recovery much harder.

Im ok at the moment. Im safe. But it is exhausting.

Apologies this post is quite a bit too long.

1604 replies

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In response to: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@AlwaysMyself love that you're also offering ideas that might support other ND folks who do this course, that's awesome! And you're right - knowing that these aren't people who are part of your social world is a good thing to keep in mind. Hopefully it'll all go better than expected!

That is a long process... thanks for sharing, it's good info for me to keep in mind too. I didn't realise! I think my ADHD assessment was just one appt 😅 I filled out a couple questionnaires beforehand, then by the end of the appt the pdoc was writing me a script. This was back in 2018 mind you, maybe things have gotten a lot more strict/comprehensive with diagnostic processes... or maybe it's just different for ADHD vs. ASD.

@Chasingsunsets Yes the cost is such a huge barrier hey - feels very unfair. We can only hope that the long-run benefits are worth it!

In response to: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Hey there @AlwaysMyself! sorry for my late reply, I do think sometimes I might be better at night with big convos, I wonder why 🤔.

I am glad the DSP reading was much more encouraging. I cant say I know much about either funding wise, sorry I won’t be help navigate it however always can provide a listening ear 😊. Always lots of hoops to jump with this stuff, I remember back in uni days Centrelink was a bit challenging with there paperwork and then again some years ago when I wasn’t able to work for 6 months but both times it worked out in the end. I hope the same for you, I hear how exhausted you are and that you have tried so hard. I really see this my friend 🙏

Yes the Medicare safety net is good but still a lot to get there. I generally start cancelling appts before it reaches it. I haven’t yet cancelled on the psychiatrist so we will see. Yeah your right, dose not stabilised I like to think not because I am not stable 🤣🤭🤗 so still in the web, gosh it’s sticky! Haha. But thankfully spaced out the next one. I just didn’t expect it to progress this way and not a fan of psychiatrists. I feel my money would be spent seeing my psychologist which appt I had to cancel due to a heap of costs this month should be seeing her fortnightly. Can’t say old mate is looking after me properly re pdoc though- no bloods, doesn’t even know re meds + AI stuff (he has no idea so I don’t bother) and if I finally get my surgery this year I asked a question, his response “just ask them” lucky I already know but wanted his opinion. But sorry he prescribes the meds then doesn’t know. Irritates me but I have a low threshold I know and I know they can’t know everything but these are things I think he should maybe know, but maybe I have high expectations🤯. Also don’t get me wrong, I really don’t care if they don’t know the answer straight away, an answer like “good question, I’ll get back to you” would be so fine!!
I actually never realised how much of a problem I have with health professionals and the meds they give and there advise until recently. It’s been interesting to observe. Could definitely not come across well for HPs too, re looking like I don’t follow there advice etc- definitely very conscious of this. On the whole though I am sure health professionals mean well and are competent and I’d like to think I explain myself well and non confrontational, I let them tell me what they want and just get annoyed about it later. It was only one GP I corrected not sure it was well received lol. I corrected her not to be right but so she didn’t potentially make any of her patients sick. Many appts later she did thank me for letting her know. But from the time I had to correct her I no longer trusted her and I knew the patient to HP relationship had fractured and there was no repairing this one. I stayed with her cos I ‘couldn’t be bothered’ (lots of restraint on writing what I wanted to say here 🤣) moving. But now the decision was made for me she moved on. So GPless now. I would like a good one and they are out there normally though they are really expensive and with what I have got going on I require 3monthly bloods, or sooner, follow ups and all a bit of a big m&m bowl mixup so just not sure a expensive one atm would be viable. (Sorry big diversion here not sure where I got lost hehe)

I think it’s great you are on the path to hopefully some answers for yourself. Can be really powerful these answers re diagnosis’s. It does sound like you have a really good mental health GP to be honest and it also sounds like you have a really supportive counsellor that you feel is working well for you.

the massages sound great, I didn’t know you got trigger point therapy! Do you like it? Find it helpful? Where do you get most of your pain? She sounds like she knows you well. I normally get into a massage place and I am like this part and this part but do whenever you think 🤣. I use to see a sports massage lady she was so good use to do hip flexors and stuff use to be so painful but sooooo good. But she left. Somehow my body has changed and so feel my posture is off, not got anywhere yet with who I have seen but ChatGPT again has given me more info than any of them put together 🤭. So reassuring lol. Gah I am thinking of messaging this other sports massage place but they have reduced there hours and not taking on any clients but I have been thinking for ages to be on the waiting list maybe.
I did see my family chiropractor whilst in Melbourne good but not sure if things have changed now or if it’s made things worse, I’d like to think just different 🙈. But yeah not much luck over here (another Chiro and physio seen here) but that’s definitely been my life in lots of areas as an observation but don’t dwell on it, it’s just life I guess. Hopefully I’ll have to have some luck at some point right 😊. Haha I laughed no muscle can hide from your massage therapist hehe she sounds great!! 🤩


Yep you are right re costs of psychs. But you know at the end of the day I am grateful for Medicare as without it I’d be paying even more. It’s just a shame of the barriers which means you don’t get the treatment you may need, but this is everyone and it’s really sad. I am glad in Aus hospital care is free not like in other countries where you could be sick then hit with a bill or potentially pass as you couldn’t pay for treatment. So despite the challenges we are really lucky.

Once you hit the safety net would be so good though paying such a small amount for sure each time!! Finances, what a headache 🤪. Really good to chat about things thanks for also listening to me it’s much appreciated, sorry I really crashed yours and jinx’s discussion sorry about that I realised more so when jinx tagged me here tonight and I was like omg I proper landed here with a big rant so sorry about that but again thanks for listening and it’s been so interesting to hear all your insights and your story as always 🙏 so thankyou.

Hope your day has been okay 💛

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

You haven’t crashed the discussion @Chasingsunsets , you’ve joined the party that you are welcome in! 😍😎 I'm glad you are inputting your perspective and experiences and frustrations etc etc etc too!

I wonder what would happen if you told the pdoc you needed to see them less often, because it was too expensive? 🤔
(And then used that extra $ saved to see your psych every fortnight or more when needing extra support?)

Ugh, GPless currently? 😖 I hope you can find a good and inexpensive one soon.

I am definitely with you on needing to be able to quiz the doctors about what the medication is for, what non-medication treatments there are (whether instead or alongside medication), and also about being able to give constructive feedback. I relate to what you said about a fractured relationship/trust with the GP after a negative incident. I haven’t given my GP direct feedback yet, but I also feel I need to. There have been so many damaging things over the past 6 years.

I called up to change my upcoming GP appointment (non-MH) from the standard 10 min to the “long” 20 minute appointment because I want to re-discuss the chronic pain with him again. That discussion about the pain diagnosis would in itself need 20+ minutes, and that’s on top of the medication scripts and medical certificate that I was originally booked for. So I asked if I can book a 30min (or longer) appointment - and knowing that it will cost more. But nope, they won’t/don’t book longer than 20min appointments - “but if it needs to go longer, it can”. Seriously?! The GP is always running late already - often 30min - and I’m supposed to feel OK about booking a 20min appointment when I know it needs longer? So the GP is going to feel pressured to wrap it all up in 20min so he doesn’t run even more late, and then that will mean he either says “make another appointment to discuss referrals” or he will just dismiss it again. 😭

I also called my chiro clinic to ask if my chiro could write up a short letter to my GP to outline his spinal findings and what pain/difficulties it causes and prognosis for medium & long term — and that I would pay for it. The receptionist did not understand what I was asking. First they started telling me that I could get medicare rebates for 5 sessions (no, that’s not what I’m asking about); then they “clarified” that I wanted a report for Insurance (no, not that either); A medical record sent? (Not necessarily, just something that explains to my GP that my pain has a real cause and which pain symptoms are related to the spinal problem). So what do you want from your GP? (For him to believe me and take me seriously when I talk to him about my pain). At least they finally said they will ask. It took about 20min for them to understand. 😩

And Medicare MH were meant to call me back last Friday but didn’t. And last week they were meant to check-in with me about how their suggested service has (or has not) panned out - but they didn’t. So I called them yesterday to follow-up on them, and had to leave a voicemail. Their message says they return calls that day or the next day. I did not get any phone call back today. It is now a whole week since they were meant to call me back with the info they did not know about their own program! Yeah I’m pretty annoyed. I will be writing and email to them now. Of course they’re closed over the weekend, so I still won’t hear back until Monday at the earliest anyway.

I was hoping to talk to my counsellor today about more longterm helpful things, but I was so overwhelmed from these 3 phone calls before the appointment. So it was good to talk about it and how it’s escalating other thoughts; I felt less overwhelmed after. But of course there is no “solution”. And now I feel just as overwhelmed from earlier in the afternoon when reading/responding to an email about the wait time for an autism assessment and how by the time that is done the NDIS will have changed their system and may not take any interest in a formal diagnosis anyway. I need to speak to the LAC again with these changes to see if I can apply now and what that would look like given the mid-year changes and whether I still need a Functional Capacity Assessment or whether they do that themselves now. The whole reason I didn’t apply in November was because I needed external evidence to apply, and now they new system is that they probably dismiss that and do their own internal assessments instead of the external evidence.

I have pain/sensitivity and tight muscles over most of my body. It’s always a bit of a juggling as to “maintain” areas from getting worse (if they’re not worked on for more than a week) but also be able to make improvement in other areas. I might need to consider making 1.5 hour appointments instead of 1 hour weekly so both can be done. Currently “chipping away” at my hips/pelvis, having done a reasonable effort on my knees (although they have started to become more painful & sensitive again since mid-late last year when we focused on them). But my shoulders and pecs and arms are all still quite tight (but they don’t ache often so they mostly get ignored until they do), and my mid and upper back usually re-tighten after a week (and cause a lot of aching) without at least some focus too.

This is why we suspect my “chronic fatigue syndrome” is probably actually “fibromyalgia” - not that it would change anything in terms of treatment. Neither have known causes.

I hope you can find a good massage person & a good chiro (if needed) - or a physio or osteo??

it’s totally OK to “shop around” until you find someone who seems to understand what’s going on & can “read” you body better.

I think the first week or two of twice-weekly chiro appointments felt increased aching in my back — I think my body was getting used to the adjusted alignment. But since then, the chiro treatment reduces the aches and if I don’t have an appointment then i really notice the back ache onsets.

I think @Flutterbug9 and @Cuddlebear can also relate to the frustrations about GPs too at times.

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Ahh that’s so lovely of you @AlwaysMyself, “joined the party” I really like that one 🤗


Hehe yeah can be rare with my little honesty bursts and hope they are in some way constructive at times, I do think you get it though so reassuring that we tend to be on the same page about things. I really do appreciate our discussions!

Yeah I don’t know I always feel a bit powerless with health professionals in a way. It’s so interesting hey. Like I probably come across as someone who isn’t going to take there advice straight away and generally do research about things so I’m not lead astray however then have the other side of this heavy powerlessness and don’t have a voice to really advocate for myself, it’s been very interesting to observe this. Like have a sub optimal Dr to the point even my friend was annoyed I was still seeing them and then I just stay with her also knowing the relationship on my end had fractured and I no longer had a trusting relationship with her - yet still stayed. My friend was confused by this as other times it’s one chance and your done 😂. So bit off topic again whoops! but bringing it back not sure I could ask re appts- I have hinted strongly re refer to gp but the next is in 3 months so will worry about it then, hopefully transfer to my gp then but also I am worried, hopefully they can change dosages down/ up/different I don’t want to be locked into anything but I guess I can always come off them and see how I go too which is an option if I am feeling to trapped.
Yessss fingers crossed for a good gp soon I’ll have to start researching shorty, thanks for your support!

sorry to hear you have had a fractured relationship with your gp, it is disheartening isn’t it. I wonder if you have spoken with your counsellor about the feedback you want to give your gp? I find it always good to bounce off people before I approach the source, but knowing you I would say you would do this 😊

oh no, it does sound like you have a lot of paperwork to get done I wonder if you could email your schedule of intentions of what you need covered and again ask for a longer appt? I wonder if that would help? Let me know how you go with all this at any time.

the other week, gp running 1 hour behind, then miscommunication with admin and her and booked me the wrong time so I turn up to do the MHCP which she knew is what I needed and she’s like nah that’s for next week I don’t have the time now I was like the staff rang me yesterday saying you asked if I was Free today so I said yes and we cancelled next week. She was like no that’s not what I planned sorry, so yeah was basically in there for a hi how are you and see you next week ridiculous however they all get so busy and these things happen I get it, I wasn’t angry just walked out stunned 😂. When she did manage to get the MHCP done she pre wrote some of it in which I had asked for from previous ones, I had stuff on a list though with recent stuff but I didn’t go through it, as she goes all good I have completed it, asked me a couple of questions and then boom done, she doesn’t show me it (think I am meant to sign it and don’t) says going to send to my email. Look at the email, meds not up to date, history not up to date, sent one half of my confidential information to the wrong place. It took me a minute to get over it wasn’t correct info on my paperwork but did get over it and was able to explain to my psych, my psych is actually so good though, geez I am really lucky to have her I think. She’s very good at co regulation and so calm- gold star for her at the moment 😂😊, it was honestly just a hectic intense 2 week period of being super super elevated and likely in flight or fright, it was like all my life jixsaw pieces of past events had been thrown up in the air and I wanted to put them all back into place. Sometimes I forget the dates of when things happened and then I have this urgency to build a timeline, straight down a massive rabbit hole to find the answers of dates. Going though emails, texts, photos for dates. By now you’d think I would have a document where all that sits re dates but I didn’t so again it was back to chasing dates. I have some of it all listed now but boy did some of the rabbit holes take me places elevated aflol 🤭. Interestingly the dates connect from one year to the next never made that connection.

Oh yeah very frustrating when the communication is hard and someone isnt picking up what you put down, perhaps if it still doesn’t give you the answer you need and email may help incase it’s lost in translation to the chiro of what you need.

frustrating re Medicare MH, is that outpatient MH from the hospital? Now you have your goood MHGp and your counsellor, do you think you would benefit from those guys too? I dunno for me I get confused with too many cooks in the kitchen as it gets exhausting with lots of people for me but interested to hear you thoughts 😊

Sorry it’s been a heavy afternoon after the email you received, it took 8 months for me to see the pdoc for an assessment re adhd a year from when I got my💡moment. I really hope they could squeeze you in or if there is a cancellation maybe.

Remember you have got this far without a diagnosis the wait is nothing compared to the wait you have already done- your whole life (this is what I’d say to myself) but I see your frustration here re paperwork and getting the information in, can you remind me what LAC is again, sorry I forgot 🫠. What did your counsellor have to say about it all when you spoke to her?

yeah I am taking a rest of finding another chiro or physio etc for now but I might msg that guy and in the meantime the one that isn’t taking on new clients to be on his waiting list and just do my own stuff for now. Difficult to see new people as get charged the initial consult fee so gets expensive 🫠 but it’s ok doing my own research etc. When you were talking about your muscles and stuff pool work and hydro came to mind actually. Have you done pool work before?

Here’s some food for thought about another convo we could chat about which is hormone testing and also I know there was a lot I didn’t get a chance to reply too further back if anything comes to mind that I didn’t answer and your curious about let me know also 😊

Take care, hope you are sleeping well and talk soon, might not be able to respond tomorrow but I will when I can 🫶

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@AlwaysMyself @Chasingsunsets Hello lovelies how are you?

I am definitely in agreement regarding the issues with GP’s. Many don’t like to answer any questions and when they do it can be outdated information. They make mistakes. They often disregard the patient and out everyrhing down to anxiety or similar. In my experience with mental health they just want to write a script after a 10 minute consultation and don’t have any knowledge on non medicine treatment or even where to be referred. They don’t leave enough time for a proper consultation as you pointed out and rush people through. We have complex health conditions and need proper time for consultations. You’re going through trial and need more time to make sure you can get everything done including other medical stuff you need to discuss. My GP doesn’t even read reports sent unless I bring them to his attention which I do and then it’s l rushed rushed rushed. I don’t have many choices where I am and am not well supported by GP. Mine bulk bills and without thet I’d have no GP.

The chiro clinic soubds extremely frustrating. It should just be part of the service to write to GP when a medical condition for pain has been identified and I don’t know why receptionists don’t understand a very simple request. I hope that the letter gets done and that you get a copy too.

It’s really awful the Medicare MH. I can understand the real frustration with them. Yes they should have called you and there really isn’t an excuse. The public system which is where I’m at is so poor and basically they just don’t do what they say or don’t follow up at all. I have no supoorts at the moment. Public services bouncing me around all over the place and don’t even know what the service they send me to has. They know what I need so I’m just going around in circles with nothing.

I’m really just a mess with it all and I feel like there’s literally nothing I can access without money.

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Never any pressure to respond by any timeframe @Chasingsunsets 😊 (or at all, really, if you didnt want to - but i know thats not what you're meaning, but just reminding it to you and anyone else that i dont have expectations/demands on people 🥰)

Tagging in @Flutterbug9 too to keep updated in things also 🥰.

I have friends, family and counsellor all wondering why I havent changed GP yet after the past 5 years of substandard gp response to things. I totally relate to you with your friend wondering too 😅. For me it is encouraging and supportive that these people think my expectations are not "too high" and that the gp really is not meeting reasonable requirement for care. I never know if my standards on other are too high, because I yes i have expectations of others that are consistent with (or lower than) expectations on myself - but my expectations on myself are realistic and i almost always achieve/behave to those standards (they are not perfectionistic!) . Yet so often i am disappointed by others behaviours because they are less than their professional role expectation. (Socially i have very few expectations of people, but when they are PAID for their work...)

I guess it gives you 3 months to find a good reliable GP to then also seek the GPs perspective and support in the pdoc transfering the management of meds to them? I wonder if there are restrictions on prescriptions/adjustments legally that require the pdoc. I know just recently my region has introduced new rules that allow GPs to re-prescribe restrictes meds that have been initially prescribed by a pdoc -- but i am guessing they wont be allowed to alter dosages, i suspect that would need to be done by a pdoc soon. But im not on those meds, so i havent read into it.

I have considered bouncing my feedback off my counsellor, but then i also dont want to "waste" a session either? But since I pay privately (no rebates) i could probably ask her if I can send her a draft copy for her feedback and pay for however long she spends reading/thinking/responding -- if she has time in addition to our weekly appointment. I think she often would have some time (esp when asynchronous) because she has said that if i need additional appointment during a week i can message to ask if there is a slot.

I need to sit down and type a draft. Im usually very good at writing measured and respectful and constructive feedback - it was noted to me by my head of workplace (equiv of CEO) when I gave feedback on the poor redaction of information released under Freedom of Information which left sensitive information highly identifiable to others in the workplace. Even my boss (who shared my concerns) could identify which quotes were from me even though there was no names -- just from context. And same with other employees too due to the content/context and style of writing/speaking. Our head of organisation shared it with the head exec for HR who asked if they could share it with their team as an example of really good feedback structure/style in a professional but personal way. I guess that feedback has boosted my confidence in my ability to write appropriate feedback.

Youre GP really stuffed you around! Even though it wasnt their intent. Yikes! That would be so frustrating. Were you able to still book back in for the mhcp appointment this week??

I get annoyed too when referrals have uncorrect/outdated info :face_with_rolling_eyes:. Its literally their job to update the medical record when you give them updates. My record still says that i'm on an anti-anxiety prn, but i havrnt taken it in over a year and only needed to use it prn for 4 weeks at that time! Its not that hard for them to "cease medication" in a clinical record :face_with_rolling_eyes:. The downside of the computer record system is the reliance of historical data and not checking its accuracy with the patient since they auto-fill it.

I'm so glad you have a good psych and theyre really helpful with coregulation 🥰. Having a re-usable timeline can be very handy to not have to rehash (even just with yourself) everything whenever seeing a new doctor, and as you say put together realisations of timeline that you didnt previous realise were related. I had this realisation on a few things too when i jotted down my MH timeline after hearing @Flutterbug9 doing one and thought it was a really good idea for giving to a new doctor. I never "connected the dots" of why i had an ED (of even that it would now have been diagnosable as an ED) and how it happened to align with ceasing a different maladaptive coping mechanism 😅.

Medicare MH are gov-funded (by run by private companies) centres that are meant to give referrals to suitable supports and also offer some support programs themselves. In this case, they run a peer support social group which I am on the waitlist for and had questions about. But they also referred me to a external program for something which they are meant to then followup with me to see if it was suitable (excellent, referral complete) or not suitable (ok, what else can we find instead?).

LAC = Local Area Coordinator for NDIS.

Counsellor gave me the name of another psych who does assessments to see if there is a shorter wait time. But until later in the arvo i didnt know that the NDIS assessment for eligibility is changing mid-year, so didnt discuss that with her.

The purpose of assessment and diagnosis is to support/explain why my MH is so significantly impacting my ability to live that it reaches the threshold of disability and permanent, even though depression is usually not regarded as a permanent disability. However fibromyalgia and autism as contributing permanent factors kinda helps make sense of the permance and treatment-resistant nature of it.

Pool-based exercise is the only exercise that does not cause me physical pain. So yes, i have done pool based before and i need to again. However aqua aerobics classes do leave me too tired afterwards and they're too crowded and noisy. But going to meet people i know there does help with the motivation/routine to go. But i really crash after. So i changed to doing my pool-walking and non-weight-bearing stretching, but then work and dogs got too exhausting and i couldnt do that anymore and havent returned. But i need to. Also it costs to go to the pool - whether per session or as a membership. But if i get a DSP it might be free? Not sure if the new pool management do that still or only the previous one (which was a NFP; the pool is funded by the Gov by contracted to other orgs to run). I feel i have too much happening at current to make a commited weekly time with a friend to go to the pool. We have identified a good timeslot we could both go each week though.

I also very much dislike swimming pools - the swimming clothes, the wetness, the effort, the showering, the sticky-damp skin even after toweling off... i've recently realised this emotional effort is in part a sensory overwhelm! But how do you swim without feeling wet and sticky?? Even loose tanktop style swimmers with biardshort and "clingy" when wet!

I have had hormone and thyroid testing in the past - normal levels. But i do have PCOS, however i have atypical pcos presentation. And ocos as a diagnisis...? Well its pretty meaningless. Its a cluster of symptoms that can be at either "too much" or "too little" from what is typical, and they dont know the cause. Did you know someone can be diagnosed with "polycyctic ovary syndrome" without having any of the "cysts"*? 😅 i kid you not. If they have a symtom from both the other 2 criteria groups, then they statisfy the diagnostic criteria (or at least they did when i saw the Endocrinologist 6 years ago).

*theyre not really cycts, theyre actually undeveloped egg folicles i think from memory?

I *do* have the "cycsts" but my physiological traits (one of the other 2 criteria groups, the 3rd being hormone tests.and 2/3 requred for diagnosis) are the complete opposite of typical PCOS - but because it is abnormal symptoms then it still meets criteria even though its the less common form.

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Hey @Cuddlebear so nice to hear from you 🥰. Even if things are still really difficult. I wish there was something more i could do. But as you know I'm always here for you, to support you, to listen, to encourage, etc 🥰🤗.

Given its a new calendar year, would ypu consider (if you dont already have) a MH care plan to then be able to access 10 bulkbilled telehealth sessions?

I know its a drop in the ocean of what you really need and probably won't be able to help longterm with the trauma-based effects, but i wonder if it would be helpful for you even just for 10 sessions to help have a support to talk about the things going on weekly/monthly? Its also a bit of contact with another human to talk to that can be done more accessibly from home and with 1:1 and using any hearing assistance devices too.

You wouldnt have have to relay your life story to them - you could just mention what you'd find helpful to talk about that session. Not sure if that would reduce the emotional barrier to seeing a psych that you know may only be 10 sessions.

My GP also doesnt read medical reports unless i mention them @Cuddlebear @Chasingsunsets @Flutterbug9 . Even when i went to ED (only time in my life ever) for MH and then i saw him 2 days later for MH, he didnt even ask about it or comment on it. Only way i knew he had seen it was because *i* asked him to check my blood pressure because it had been very dangerous level the day i was referred to ED. He wasnt even going to check my BP or ask how things were since then or how/why i was referred to ED.

To me this more or less trumps all his other failings over the past 5 years even though theyve been significant too. But people dont just "go to ED" once in their life without it being a sign of escalating problems that warrant discussion. Or thats my thoughts anyway.

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@AlwaysMyself @Cuddlebear @Chasingsunsets

Rewording something I saw Dreamy say recently.

I will get back to this post and respond another day 🙂

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

@moderator I know we can’t directly name medications on here, but we can give vague reference (sorta seems to be you can describe them in ways that others know which one you refer to as long as you don’t actually name the medication directly?? But I’m not sure if thats how its meant to be 😅) - although I don’t know why there is a ‘rule’ around not naming medications (apparently it can be triggering for people?), I just respect that it is a rule.

However, what are the guidelines about linking off to research articles (openly available online through journals) about medications and efficacy studies?

I’ve read some really interesting ones that I’d like to share about because they spark a tiny bit of possible hope in me (and this is a super rare thing!) but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to?? Especially because it can be misused by people 😬.

I could absolutely put the links to it within a content/trigger box so anyone with any sensitivity to medication-content can easily avoid it. Would that be a suitable work-around? 🤔. The URL have ID numbers and do not contain the name of the medication within them.

Awaiting advice before I post anything related to it. 🤗

In response to: Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Re: TW: The 'real' me inside - I come with an SI warning

Hey @AlwaysMyself ,

With medication, you can name the class, but not name it directly. e.g. anti depressant, anti-psychotic,

The reason is not because it is triggering at all, but rather, because this is not a clinical service. Once people start naming medications, then it can lean into "recommendations" or asking people to stay away from certain meds - even though we all know that everyone is different, so what works for some may not work for another and vice versa. This can then lead to people or groups advertising products etc. It can get quite messy!

So at this stage, we won't be able to have anything published that refers to a certain type of medication.

Hope this makes sense.

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