I feel so alone

HI @KirSa_EnigmA

I resonate with your feelings, Ive studied and worked all my life until recently and even when i was at work i was alone.

Its hard to work out who i am and want will i enjoy doing.

Ive been in my home for a couple of months now, put myself out there and joined a group i thought i might learn some skills in, photography, i felt for the first time suffocated, vulnerable , like i was naked with intrusive people around me, their lack of social awareness and indifference was draining, i came away with a new friend but a lot of other emotions of lack of self worth and anxiety.

Is it that im now more aware of my needs and boundaries , is it the meds and changes that have had to occur to keep me here, im not sure.

Others do not really understand , something inside me has shifted and im not really sure if i like it.

I hope you have a lovely birthday, do something for yourself, a massage, lunch at your favourite place, mine is by the beach, anytime of the year.

Congratulations also of all the acheivements you have made to turn your life around.

Hi @Justhere

I've also been through some changes over the past few months. My home/work lifestyle has become more self driven - but the project i've been workign on has been very challenging. To the point where I've all but given up. I think I bit off more than I can chew... very like me. (This whole underlying belief that I can somehow be the catalyst to a worldwide paradigm shift thing)

But, without it I feel like everythign else is empty.

I don't know who I am without this crazy person inside me who wants to save the world.

I know that probably sounds nuts... but hey, if this isn't the right place for it then I don't know where is lol

I also find others frustrating and draining... the effort to maintain the mundane seems wasted energy. I have piles of books, writing, lists, conversations, projects, ideas that need to be done. So much to learn, so little time.

I have absolutely no idea how some people are so productive in their lives.

I'm tired and jaded and just apathetic about it all right now. I'm intensely curious and engaged, but at the same time, right now, I feel completely incapable and insignificant.

I hate the meds and the diagnosis and the whole trope of mental illness/health etc. It feels more like a dismissive checkbox than any kind of useful explanation or plan.

I'm placed neatly 'over here' with the others who don't fit in... while I just watch as we're all:

- trying to fit in, separately, or

- trying to be different, together.

So... still quite jaded. But at least thinking again.

I am sorry for the dark mood I've been in. I am grateful for those who've taken the time to support and reply to me. This has helped... @rav3n @AuntGlow

you don't have to apologise for the 'dark mood' at all - those are very human emotions and thoughts @KirSa_EnigmA and i'm really glad you're able to voice them here.

i feel you about the productivity! some days, just waking up, going to work and coming home is exhausting on its own. i'd like to blame the winter cold for the drop in my energy, i definitely feel its impact.

what you mentioned around 'trying to fit in separately or trying to be different together' was really interesting. it is hard when all our realities and personalities are so different, yet we all crave this feeling of belonging and connection. personally, i try and find it in multiple different places (i.e. feeling connected to nature, to my pets, to my books, to music, to friends, etc). i like have that variety so that when human connections are overwhelming, i can turn to my pet or music playlist for 'connection' instead and recharge.

i think you feel and think really deeply @KirSa_EnigmA, and often that means it can be very exhausting being super aware of things. that awareness can be a blessing and a curse, and it makes it even more important for us to rest and recharge... which i know is tricky when there are feelings of guilt/shame around doing nice things for yourselves. but i really hope you do find something to help you recharge, maybe even sitting with nature for a bit can help? how do you feel about practising gratitude? i know it can be tricky to do when we feel low (i actually hated doing it at the start but over the years, it's helped me a lot).

@rav3n thank you 🙂

I am going to let go of the reins and do as you've suggested: rest and recharge - and connect.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. Thank you. Thank you 🙂

~ K

Hi @KirSa_EnigmA,

How are you feeling today? You popped into my mind and I realised I hadn't responded to your last comment, I am so sorry! So, making sure that I do that now.

Firstly, yes, you are intelligent and I am guessing, creative too?

I find the most sensitive humans are often the most inquisitive and sometimes that can lead to feeling forlorn or despondant. Perhaps because we think and feel so deeply?

It sounds like you have also experienced some real challenges throughout your life, which build up in the nervous system/subconscious mind, shaping how we relate to ourselves and the world. I think this is why being so, so compassionate towards all parts of ourself is important - so we can integrate them and learn to work with them.

For example, I know it's really hard to connect with your passions because you feel there isn't a space for them... but what part of you is saying this? And where does that voice come from? Is there another voice that challenges this belief at all? And if so, what is their dream/desire/wish for you?

Just some things to ponder upon if you feel called to doing so (you absolutely don't have to, but if you do, I would love to hear your answers).

I know there are many layers within your post, so I will start with the above. Let me know if there's anything else you'd like to address as well. 💛😊

I don't know @AuntGlow,

I abandoned the project I was working on for the past few months. I thought it was "my calling"... and I still see profound and cutting edge growth for humanity in the field, but I see no desire from anyone to gain these insights.

I have similarly abandoned the project of seeking the insights for myself, for now. It's challenging to integrate such broad, abstract, and recursive ideas in the first place, but then applying the ideas to myself? Honestly, I'm burned out.

I've regressed back into some old habits... and am no longer working on that 'level' any more. I feel slow, tired, old, sick, and stupid.

I feel like an idiot next to those I admire, and I feel alone next to those around me.

I'm embarrassed to be me, but ashamed to be otherwise.

The voices in my head argue, but I just shut them up with distraction and dopamine snacks again. I honestly just can't deal with myself right now.

Yes, I'm depressed.

Booked an appointment with the GP next week... a formality. My shrink has taken a year's leave, so no access until 2026. I can't book a SANE self guided session until August next year either. Meds aren't working much any more either.

I've been noticing the dark thoughts returning too.

"What am I supposed to do?" I asked myself.

Silence.

The voices were mine all along.

~ K

It honestly sounds like this project means so much to you, so I wonder what would happen if you explored it fully and put it out into the universe, knowing that the right people will resonate with your work? And what if you did so to really honour you? @KirSa_EnigmA

Sometimes self-work is truly exhausting, and I think it's common to experience reflective burnout. I read somewhere recently that intellectualising our emotions and consistenly working towards 'fixing' ourselves is a form of emotional avoidance - the inability to sit with what we are feeling and really process our experience. I know I resonate with this. What about you? ☺️

I can relate to so much of what you're sharing, and it sounds like a deeply loving relationship with yourself could be what is missing? I know it's a concept that so many of us struggle with (myself included) and it's one that takes time to cultivate, but I wonder if this is something you could explore?

I am glad you will be seeing your GP, please let me know how your session goes.

Would you be open to seeing a new psychologist for more support at all?

This was very poignant, I encourage you to keep writing. 🥰