I feel so alone

@KirSa_EnigmA

i hear how upsetting and exhausting its been for you, and i'm really sorry you feel this way.

---

@KirSa_EnigmA wrote:

I wish I'd never dug up what I know... my awareness has become a burden, not a way free.

---

i feel this!! i felt that the more self-aware i became, the more i understood - the more pain i felt. i think the pain was because i spent so much time trying to understand others but no one took the time to understand me in the same way. and it absolutely sucked.

now i am in a place where i feel less burdened and more grateful for the awareness (it's a work in progress). it took a lot of time and tears to get here, but i share this to let you know that it can get better. those who don't recognise your value and strength are truly missing out. i used to give my all to everyone and anyone, but now i'm much more selective and i feel it's helped me draw in better people into my life.

feel your feelings, and know that you are worthy of being treated with love and respect. you do deserve good things. we're here for you 💙

/crying

ok. thanks 😞

how can the forums community support you tonight? what would be helpful? @KirSa_EnigmA 💖

I'll be ok

Hello @KirSa_EnigmA,

I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I am here if you want to talk. I know posting this made you feel sad and that there is a lot weighing heavy on your heart... I can see how much you are needing to be seen and for your value to be respected and supported...

I am wondering, what would that look like for you? ☺️💛

HI @KirSa_EnigmA

I know how you feel, its an empty world when you give and dont receive.

I'm learning now, baby steps to no longer seek validation from outside of myself, which is hard to do when we are trained from birth to seek approval and love from others.

Setting small self goals and allowing ourselves to feel love, and pride for this and building it up throughout the day helps to change our own mind set that we are loved, valued and that we are worthy.

🙂 hope this helps, as i say , im only just starting this myself.

thank you all for your comments and support. I don't really feel well and up to replying in detail right now. just feel defeated.

So... I'm gonna go and crawl under a rock for a while and hopefully things will improve in a bit of time.

~ K

hey @KirSa_EnigmA that's absolutely fine, there's no pressure at all to respond. we'll be thinking of you 💗

please don't hesitate to reach out to crisis service if you're struggling, you deserve to be heard.

HI @KirSa_EnigmA

Hope you have a restful sleep and know , we are here 🙂

@rav3n @AuntGlow @Justhere

Thanks again for your replies and support earlier.

I've had a bit of time to dwell on this and while I still feel empty and lost, I have had a couple of thoughts on the matter.

First... as some of you have likely read in my past posts, I have a bipolar diagnosis. So, yeah... ups and downs. I've also had an ADHD diagnosis... so, that's confusing. 2 different shrinks with 2 different ideas.

Meds for either seem less than useful. The BP1 meds make me sleep and not care. The ADHD stims make me peak, then crash and my sleep routine is kinda messed up now. (hence the 3am posts)

It has been over 9 months since I had a drink though... so that's good.

Have I just been on a 9 month "up" though?

Who knows. The criteria seems so damn vague you could almost just make it up to fit like a horoscope - in my opinion.

It's my birthday soon. For years I've avoided my birthday. I feel useless and unworthy of celebration. When others want to celebrate me, it feels worse. They don't understand. More love/gifts etc makes it worse.

I guess I have beliefs around that which ought to be challenged. I never seem to do that during the year, and it only comes up around this time again. It's just a relief when it's over. (the irony is that if nobody said anything around my birthday I'd probably feel like nobody cared - stupid, right?)

My teens were filled with rebellion and addiction. Crime and violence went along with it. Always looking over my shoulder since. Hyper alert. I don't go out much now and when I do it's in-and-out. Get it done.

But why do I feel this way now?

I guess maybe it's just time.

Might be the season?

These vague ideas annoy me.

I'm quite sure I'm despondent about my recent attempts to achieve something. Never enough and I feel like I've made a fool of myself.

I just don't think my goals, passions, interests and skills are useful to anyone. There's just so much out there already.

I have deleted my FB account, and am trying to stay off the internet - I realise I need to build a life IRL too.

I really just don't know what to do next. I've a lifetime of attempts to make something of myself. An long list of interests and skills. I'm told I'm intelligent, but I don't see myself that way. I'm just curious and ask questions.

I'm just rambling. I think I might see if the sane phone support service thing I did last year is still available. That was useful.

Thanks again for listening. I could just write these thoughts into a notepad or get some weird robot advice from an AI lol, but you guys are it today. Not seeking replies but just need to put it somewhere I guess.

~ K