Coping with birthday blues

Hi everyone, just after some tips on surviving birthdays, when it is an anniversary of many painful memories, when it is a time that you reflect on where you were in the past, what you had, what has been lost and where you thought you would be by now.

I look back and I'm faced with how bad things are compared to previous birthdays.

I don't want to be the focus for the day, I'm not in the place or with the people I want to be with for my birthday.

Unfortunately being in the place I long to be is beyond my control, and I am practising patience and doing all I can, all I am allowed to do until I can be there.

I want to make happy memories, to overshadow all the bad anniversaries of my birth.

I had planned on leaving the house super early and escaping into nature for the day, then returning late at night. To escape being around those whom have played a major part in why things are as bad as they are now.

However with the wonders of technology I'm anxious about receiving messages from those in my life that I allowed to cause so much destruction and pain (family) and not receiving messages from those whom I crave to hear from (those I love and care for).

I know having expectations of people leaves me open to disappointment and pain, but when those people are your own children and partners it's hard not to have minimal expectations at least. You know the old story of, if you did to them what they did to you, you would be seen as the worst person in the world, but it's fine for them to do it.

Previous years have often been me faking being happy, setting a good example to my children, putting my feelings aside, as even though I don't think my birthday is a special day, I accept that to those who care about me, it is a special day.

Unfortunately as I've grown older (poorer and more resistant to being used and manipulated) the love shown to me by those that care has been far from caring. For example my youngest (11yr old) was being picked up by her step dad and only wished me a happy birthday for tomorrow after he wished me it.

I assumed my children would visit, but I'm not holding my breath on that one. My youngest isn't (due to some children's card game event) hence why she got her mum to drop her off today, so needless to say it was a pleasant surprise, albeit a triggering surprise (I try to forget that she usually visits when she's trying to escape boredom, or doing something she doesn't like, not just to visit). My middle child didn't last year even though his sisters came (I can't even remember the exact excuse, but I know it wasn't anything serious or urgent).