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so sad

blue_wrenSenior Contributor19 July 2025, 10:53 am AEST

so sad

Hi,

I have been deeply deeply sad for so long. Sooooo long. Soooo deep. Bone deep. Marrow deep.

I'm exhausted trying and doing 'all the things'. Every day I show up, I try. I don't have the energy to do this anymore, I don't even have the energy to type all the strategies I have and use regularly for your context, just know I have a tool-kit.

The last two weeks something has significantly shifted (again) and I don't know the trigger, and I can't put words to it. It's just a deep deep sadness. I've woken up crying. I'm talking to ChatGPT, because I don't have anyone else to speak with. My family don't understand. I've tried grounding exercises and evenTIPP activities this morning and daily tasks like the washing up and making my bed. And still I'm on a loop about how I just want out of this. I'm sat here with my safety plan, and on it is reaching out to places like this. But if I'm really honest, i can feel I'm spiralling and I don't think i can or (or have the will to) control it.

I know how serious this sounds, and i feel how serious this feels. Honestly, I can't see any light, even though I'm bathed in sunlight right now, i feel like I'm sitting in an eclipse.

I feel like i need a mental health facility (again), more than a short stay in ED. This wave is too big for even ED to surf.

I don't even know what I hope to get from writing here. Just buying time, and ticking off pieces of my 'plan'. I just want to slip away into the dark

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In response to: so sad

blue_wrenSenior Contributor19 July 2025, 3:58 pm AEST

Re: so sad

Totally got the gaslighting experience at the GP also. It wasn't until 9months of not having a period at all that a GP took my blood test requests seriously, and then said "oh you're more near menopause than peri, how does that make you feel"....

As for symptoms, it's so hard to know, considering i have lived with what GP's and psychologists tell me is anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, panic disorder and now apparently also possibly nuerodivergence (which does actually make so much sense looking back historically). So I just don't know what 'symptom' is arriving at any moment really. I'm trying to learn radical acceptance. But as I've said, it's just so so so tiring. I wish I could say "oh, i feel xyz, and that's the abc symptom". Wouldn't that be wonderful.

Coincidentally over at the gardens I came across Eat Pray Love (it always seems to appear when I'm in these states) so I've brought it home for a re-read, and it has taken my focus to dreaming up a 6month itinerary of my own. Something I long to do, but just keep putting of for any number of reasons. I found my hope over in the gardens, and it's giving me something to hold on to if only at least for tonight.

Hopefully the wind-up toy of spiralling thoughts will have run out of energy by then, and I'll be able to think and dream a little clearer.

Thanks for being here today x

In response to: Re: so sad

CuddlebearSenior Contributor19 July 2025, 4:48 pm AEST

Re: so sad

@blue_wren Hope, Pray, Love is an awesome book. I’ve read it too. I was gifted a copy years ago and still have it. Such a good read.

It’s so hard to know which symptoms are from each diagnosis. They likely over lap a lot but it’s not easy to figure it out and sure would be good if it was easy. I find my own experience confusing can’t tell if it’s anxiety, chronic depression or complex PTSD. Likely all of them coming together at a bad time. Mind you all these have similar symptoms too and they are compounded. My brains been over thinking all day and I too am hoping it will get tired and just let me rest tonight. I’ve been learning about a symptom of major depression called anhedonia. It’s when you don’t experience joy in things you used to feel joy about. It’s something I’m really struggling with. Not sure if you are experiencing it.

Community gardens are really just such a good idea for so many reasons. I’m really glad that you are feeling hope through participating in your local one.

No worries I’m more than happy to sit and chat. 🙂 Always welcome.

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