Need to vent pls

hi everyone

i need to vent - if i can

i am emotional, angry, frustrated, sad etc etc - because i can't see my dad

i had a dream last night where i saw him and told him i love him so much - that's the problem i CAN'T see him - all because of my mum

my situation is that at the moment i haven't seen my dad (and mum) for over a year. my mum is a very controlling, manipulative narcissist who controls everything.

she was once really nice to me - all before my childhood sexual abuse came out (15 yrs ago)

after that - i have been blamed for the abuse; yelled at by her for not telling her first; told by her that i have betrayed the family.

i found out last year my dad has cancer and i was NOT told. the only person who told me was my sister only because i pushed her for answers. she first told me 'she couldn't tell me what was wrong with him' - how can a sister keep something so seroius like that away from another family member

so i don't know anything - how he is; if he is in hospital. my sister has told me she will tell me if he gos into hospital - but i am not so sure.

what if i dont' get to see my dad.

he doesn't have a mobile phone; no computer; never answers the home phone.

if i did go there i know that my mother would NOT open the door as she has done this before

does he not think about me; or why i haven't gone over to visit. she will be telling him lies to make herself look good. she will be blaming me.

she is making me suffer and pay for what i told her about my childhood abuse

this is why i blame myself

i miss my dad so so much

i really hate my mum

she has taken everythng away from me