Worn out and feeling humiliated

Hi there @AliciaC ,

Great to see you here. I'm sorry to hear these cycles you have been through. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying in terms of the person having presented with a roller coaster of behaviours.

Although my behaviours did not include cheating, I resonate with the up and down behaviours. Without making an excuse, I was diagnosed with BPD. I struggled with emotional regulation - and yes, I feel I hurt a lot of people.

From the 'other person's' perspective I think setting clear boundaries is a way to protect yourself. I struggled with keeping boundaries and would 'push' these boundaries, but internally, I really respected those who were able to stick to those boundaries.

Upon reflection, I'd encourage anyone to look after themselves.

Thank you so much for sharing @AliciaC . You deserve the best.

Also, just a note, I'm in a really good place now. I sought therapy and after a few years, things counldn't be better. I am able to reflect on my experiences and learn from them. I am also able to share my experiences with others with the hope of supporting others.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Tyme, thank you so much for sharing how you navigated the world and tried to make sense of it. Being totally honest about how you acted and seeking therapy must have been life changing for you. I hope it has been, or will be. These things are a work in progress. I think all behaviour is a way of dealing with one's insecurities in life and I know that my ex partner deep down has an extremely fragile ego and constantly needs admiration and praise. Still, it has been a nightmare for me and the reasons for his behaviour are no longer my concern. The more I seek reasons, the more likely I am to forgive and go back down the rabbit hole of deceit, so now I just need to forgive myself. I really appreciate you taking the time to share some of your story. Take care

Absolutely @AliciaC

I think it's so so important you find a way to move forward. Whilst we acknowledge your ex's hurt, it is up to him to seek support to help himself (if he wants to).

So now, it's about doing what YOU can to help yourself.

What are things you do to help yourself?

Hi Tyne, while we’ve been together this last time, I’ve made sure I’ve been looking after myself - kept all my friends, exercised, no alcohol and just generally being true to myself. The more I’ve lived on my own, the more confident I’ve become, and he hates that.
Because I suspected more deceit, it made me very anxious - I just HAD to know, because not knowing was killing me. The trust had obviously gone anyway, but deep down I knew that nothing had changed. So when I found out my gut feeling was right, I was relieved and felt quite calm - and still do.

I just have to really stick to the ‘no contact’ this time, as he is very manipulative. We have grown up children together, who we are both very close to, so it’s hard to avoid him. I think the reason he has juggled this double life is because deep down he knows the affair partner will ditch him eventually (massive age gap) and he needs to keep me as a safety mat. That’s my theory….but that’s not going to happen!
Thank you for your concern, Tyne. I hope you’re well.