RECORDING: The Hidden Impact of Military Service on Families of Veterans

@MamiyaFan @Ruth_Clare

My daughter is now 24. She blames me for a lot of her problems.

I think she needs therapy but I have to wait until she decides that for herself as she is an adult.

She is out of the country currently, studying. Not sure when she will come back home. I do think she needs to be more in control of things to make her feel more comfortable.

It’s hard to know quite how to respond without more detail.

When you say your daughter blames you, what does she blame you for, and do you see there are ways your behaviour contributed to her situation?

I know when my kids were little and I wasn’t coping I yelled more than I should have. I expected too much, in part because I didn’t have a good model of what was reasonable, because my dad always expected more than I was capable of, given my age and development. I don’t see that as blaming, more being honest about the situation as I see it.

I don’t think my past makes me any less responsible for my actions in the present. I always apologize to my kids if I make mistakes as a parent, in part because it is the one thing I wish my dad had given me. As a kid, the fact Dad didn’t say sorry even after he was really violent with me (except along the lines of “sorry but that hurt me more than it hurt you”) meant that even after he had calmed down it felt like he still thought I somehow deserved the way he treated me.

I also apologize to my kids when I slip up because I regret my behaviour and want to repair our relationship and let them know that the way I behaved was my bad, not theirs.

I wonder what your perspective is on this or if there is more detail you could share?

@lala3 @Ruth_Clare @MamiyaFan

@Oaktree

sorry if I have forgotten someone

I just want to say thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom and your experiences.
As a veteran and a mum I am conscious that my experiences have impacted my kids. I know I had postnatal depression after my first child (but not my second) and I carry a lot of guilt generally about my failings as a parent. I *know* I’m not as bad as I *feel* but sometimes that guilt and shame overwhelms everything else.

In response to the comment:

I just want to say thank you all so much for sharing your wisdom and your experiences.
As a veteran and a mum I am conscious that my experiences have impacted my kids. I know I had postnatal depression after my first child (but not my second) and I carry a lot of guilt generally about my failings as a parent. I *know* I’m not as bad as I *feel* but sometimes that guilt and shame overwhelms everything else.

Firstly, can I say, I am truly sorry to hear your experiences have been so difficult. I totally relate to your concerns about your past pain spilling over to impact your kids.

When my kids were young I often struggled. I sometimes yelled (or screamed into pillows). I expected too much of them, and of myself. I worried any time I wasn’t calm and in complete control that I was damaging them and I felt like every mistake was proof that I was a terrible mother.

Please know these feelings are a sign of just how deeply you care about your kids. I am not exactly sure of your experiences, but this expectation I have of myself, that I need to be perfect in order to be loved, is one of the lingering impacts of my childhood trauma.

When this thought arises for me now, I picture my orphaned child self (orphaned is how I felt growing up). I take her into my arms and comfort her, reminding her she is safe and loved and loveable. You too are loveable and worthy of love.

My kids are older now. What I have found helpful about this is realising that parenting is a lifelong journey. There will be rocky times as you figure out what your kids need during different developmental stages. and you are forced to adapt and grow in response.

But I have found it helpful to picture the full life span of my relationship with my kids during moments when I am struggling and beating myself up for mistakes. I picture me being a grandparent to their kids and know I will do my very best for my entire life to give to them the support I never received from my own parents. It might be helpful for you to see this big picture and remember you have a lifetime to build a relationship with your kids.

Most good parents have moments when we worry we are getting it wrong. It’s the ones who don’t think about it, or who think they are always doing a great job, that concern me more.

I hope this has helped in some way. Sending you lots of love.

Thank you @Ruth_Clare - what beautiful and wise words x