In answer to the question:
My daughter has also been traumatised because of my mental illness. I think that my mental illness wouldn’t have manifested if it hadn’t been for my Army service. I was pushed very hard mentally and physically in the service. I would like to find a way to help her but she is not open to discussing things with me. Do you have any advice?
Thanks for reaching out and I'm sorry to hear your military service had such a big impact on your mental health. I hope you are being supported in your healing journey.
I think it’s so complicated when you’ve had a trauma history and you’re a parent. You can often unintentionally act in ways that can cause harm. I know for me, when my kids were little, though I tried not to be, I was sometimes too impatient. I sometimes yelled when my emotions overwhelmed me. I found it difficult to relax. I think my expectations were too high. This, despite, having spent years in therapy, and being very mindful of not repeating the patterns of my childhood.
It is not clear from your question about the nature of the issues you have with your daughter, but there’s something I read in a book called Seven Habits of Highly Effective People that I think translates to many situations, including this one: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
How much do you understand about the exact nature of the issues your daughter has with you as a parent?
Are you able to write these issues down as best you understand them?
Are you able to talk these issues through with a therapist?
I think it’s natural, especially when we have experienced trauma, that we want people to see that our actions were unintentional. We want to explain our behaviour, make them understand our experiences, and how they contributed to making us the person we are today.
But if the goal is to re-connect to your daughter, and she is unwilling to participate in that process, I would begin by really trying to put myself in her shoes. Without expectation of immediate forgiveness or reciprocal understanding. Because unless we understand the nature of the problem, it’s really hard to find a solution.
I know for me with my dad, I wish he had understood just how deeply he hurt me and the profound impact his behaviour had on me, not just as a child, but as an adult who felt unworthy and unloveable for much of my life. I wish that he had said sorry to me for the way he treated me.
I know you have had your own trauma experiences, and I am sorry for that. You absolutely deserved to be supported in healing from them. There are a lot of veteran support programs and free therapy options available. I understand you can't turn back time or change your history and that you might really want your daughter to see all you have been through, so she can accept and forgive you. But healthy parent/ child relationships are by their nature always somewhat one-sided. Your daughter may be an adult, but in terms of your relationship dynamic you will always be the parent, and she will always be your child.
As a parent I see our role is to care for, protect and support our children no matter how old they are. My main parenting goal is to build a relationship with my kids where they feel seen, held and loved by me for the people they are. That means I continually put myself in their shoes to see what they need from me or how I might be able to support them.
I am by no means perfect. I still say things in the heat of the moment that I regret. But as soon as I have calmed down, I apologize. I do this without explanation or justification for my behaviour. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.” If they want to vent at me, I let them, and reflect back to them what I am hearing without biting back. I am often fighting the cortisol in my body and need to do nervous system support practices like breathing, grounding in the present etc (the stuff I write about in my book Beyond Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn), to support myself during this process.
As I don’t know the exact nature of the issues you face. I wonder if, rather than this just being a historical reckoning, there is also some current day situations that your daughter has set some boundaries around that are being violated? For instance, if your daughter has said that she doesn’t want you to be drunk around her, are you able to commit to not drinking before you see her, or when in her presence? (I’m just using this is just an example as I don’t know your situation). If your daughter didn’t feel safe around you in the past, it’s really important that she be allowed to set some rules and have some control.
I know this is all really complicated. It’s hard work. It often involves digging deep and making some big changes. It might take much longer than you would like. It might not even work because she might not be willing to risk letting you back into her life. But doing the work of healing is never wasted, and at least you will know down to the marrow of your bones that you have done everything you could.
My book Enemy tries to hold both the perspective of what it feels like to be a traumatized veteran, while sharing my own experience as a child who grew up with a traumatized veteran father. Both veterans and veteran children have told me this book has helped them to find a way to have compassion for each other. I am just sharing that in case this might also help you.
Very best of luck to you and your daughter. I hope you can find a way to re-build your relationship.
