Hey @AuntGlow , firstly...I'm so sorry for my late reply. This time has been passed wondering why I've not received a reply and how "no one cares", to discover it's ME that hasn't replied to you! 🤦i feel like times been lost, so here I write.
Shame. I honestly don't understand the concept when someone says to challenge the feeling. I feel it so deeply it's as though it's a battle I'll never win, shame coats me like oil, thick and suffocating. Yuck.
So I spent yet another 5 days in hospital on IV antibiotics again, fortunately no surgery. My physical health is really taking a toll and quite frankly,.I'm sick of it. Living without a Spleen really has taken its toll... I'm quietly and confusingly hoping I have the 'worst case scenario'. I know it's not ideal, right, or whatever word surmounts, I am just soo done. Anyway,.I see the infectious disease team next week @ the hospital so we'll see.
Max has been a game changer...he really keeps me going... That feeling of someone actually depending on me. Last week with my counsellor we delved into some pretty full on things, like, in a way... Okay I'll explain briefly. She had these cards and on the cards was a name and then our actions/thoughts and then underneath how we can challenge them..it was very confrontational and bought up tears so I shut it down pretty quick. I see her again Thursday.
Oh I don't know if I'd call myself a trooper, only the fact that I feel like trooping through mud. Since my last hospital visit, my Dad (much to my surprise) has driven down from Hervey Bay and has been here for just over a week. I didn't really get the option to say don't down, it was like an intervention almost... It's been difficult but also really good. He's been making me shower daily (I really struggle with showering and this really affects my physical health atm). I've been listening, on repeat, to a lot of sermans...Dad reckons he understands but get this... I was speaking about my paranoia being raised and not sure how I feel about going somewhere and Dad's response was "Oh not this s**t again". I shrank. Smaller than a crumb from a piece of cheese to a mouse. Discarded, brushed off like it... Idk, it's crap. He leaves tomorrow.
I've been off work now for about 3 weeks, I can't return until after my apt on the 17th and have exhausted my sick and holiday leave so it's been EXTREMELY tough. Emergency food reliefs and calls to debt companies and I'm behind on rent and it's a bloody disaster Aunt Glow. I'm really sorry, I'm not trying to be "winge winge winge" I just... I truly hope you don't mind me messaging all this.
I've been doing a lot of writing, a LOT! I'm going to share a snippet of it to finish this message off. I just want to thank you, for being here, and for the meditation, I give you my word I'll try this one today. ☺️
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I’ve been taking Max for short walks. My scars are healing. I cleaned and rearranged my unit, got rid of the bed that carried the weight of old violence. Now I sleep in my nephew’s old bed, like an adult borrowing a childhood that never was. Dad has been here, cooking for me for the first time in my life. He says he’s helping..cleanliness,health, but I feel watched, judged, almost managed. Still, there were moments. Father’s Day sausage at Bunnings, sitting on the balcony, breathing in the sky as if it cared.
I went to a bike race with friends. Took Max because paranoia needs a leash. I almost unraveled, but didn’t. I bought a new bike. The right size. Like I’m preparing for a future I’m not sure exists. I have a car now. I take Max for drives he gets more excited over the word “drive” than “walk.” Maybe we’re both chasing motion pretending it means progress.
Through all of this one truth keeps me here my Nephew. His messages, his excitement over bikes, that ride we shared. It’s a fragile thread, but it holds. I light incense. I play music. I’ve learned about frequencies, as if sound can rewire despair. Some days, it almost feels like it does.
i feel severed from self..from meaning, life isn’t lived it feels endured. And I’ve been enduring. Waiting. Rearranging furniture like it could rearrange my thoughts. Feeding Max so I remember something depends on me.
And if I disappear one day, it won’t be a storm or a scream just a sigh dissolving into static. No flames. No thunder. Only silence swallowing silence, like it always meant to. 🔆💞☺️
- MotherDuckxx
