Ed1975Senior Contributor
My story (Trigger warning)
I have to share this. I'm in a bad place right now.
I am 50yrs old and have been suffering with childhood trauma since I was 5.
I grew up in a home with 3 other brothers, a mother and a father. Father was very abusive. My abuse started from age 5 from when I remember (maybe before) until age 11.
TW: mentions SA, child abuse, domestic violence and abuse, suicide, addiction, etc.
Mother was mentally, physically and sexually abused regularly. Quite often we would be stood up against a wall and forced to watch our mother's beatings. [edited by moderator] I thought she was going to die and it haunts me till this day. She also used to things thrown at her, spat at and called disgusting names. [edited by moderator] She had multiple broken bones and bruises throughout my childhood.
I witnessed my eldest brother get bullied, hit and called names regularly.
I witnessed my second eldest brother get severely beaten on a weekly basis for no reason whatsoever. He would be hit with whatever my father could get his hands on [edited by moderator]. We were forced to pick on him and call him names so he could react, when he did, he received beatings. He was kicked out of home at 15 and suffered chronic depression for years afterwards. At 40yrs old (12yrs ago), he committed suicide. I cannot forgive myself for this.
I witnessed my second youngest brother being SA by my father and uncle, sometimes simultaneously. He started climbing out of the bedroom window at 12yrs old to avoid the abuse. He turned to glue sniffing, petty crime and drugs. He is now 52yrs old, lifelong heroine addict and alcoholic and struggling with chronic depression back in the UK.
I was SA by my uncle with my father watching. I witnessed everyone else's abuse, too. I was also exposed to extremely graphic pornography as a child [edited by moderator].
I have always struggled with this but it has all come to a head after my father's death in January. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm living the same day over and over. I've recently been diagnosed with complex ptsd and adjustment disorder with depression. I have an ACE score of 9 and PCL-5 score or 50+. I'm booked in to see a psychologist next week to start EMDR but from what I've researched can take 2-5yrs to process complex trauma at costs of around $10,000 per year.
I'm stuck in circle of depression and I don't know how to get out.
I don't want sympathy. I need help from people who have been through similar, please.
