Tillogram

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@Till23 wrote:

Thanks MJG017

As you know, I think you are incredible for all the things you have achieved.

I also think maybe I am up to the point of considering this “Not Good Enough” problem and maybe it is making it worse in the short term (I hope that’s what’s happening). So hopefully I can reframe and surmount the thoughts. It just seems really difficult now, it has always been difficult but currently it’s really hard I think because I’ve subconsciously decided to deal with it.

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@Till23

I can identify with that. The amount of times i've wondered about the past year or so if i'm just making the situation worse by digging into these things in my head after a lifetime of just accepting them. They do seem to fight back when you start to challenge them don't they! I tend to look at it that if feels hard, it's probably a sign that i'm on the right path. But I do have to pace it and not be in too much of a rush. Otherwise it easily becomes a bit too much. The amount of replies so far should be a good indication that as far as this particular struggle goes, you're in good company.

While I have been far more open (or just basically open for the first time) with people since early last year, I do still always have those doubts after I've talked to someone honestly about how i'm feeling. There's always regret there, that I said too much and I want to take a lot of it back. When you say these things out loud it's a bit hard to do, but I look at it now as if i feel that regret it means that i've done something uncomfortable. And after spending my whole life in my own microscopic comfort zone which has only ever made me more and more isolated and lonely, i figure feeling uncomfortable mean's i'm doing something right finally. It sounds like you may be finding yourself in a similar place(?)

Please don't worry about your comment @Appleblossom, it's a common topic to talk about the weather, so I wasn't upset etc.

Fortunately. as far as I can tell at this stage, there is very little damage as most of flooding was on hard floors - mostly in my kitchen, hall and dining area. Little of my possessions seem to have been affected. The roof and ceiling will be another matter.

It's only recently I have pursued team sport, previously I did more solo pursuits like bushwalking, photography, a bit of tennis etc. Work though was often team based.

I will have early night tonight and assess water damage more thoroughly tomorrow.

I do a little bit of music and dreamed of learning piano once I retired, I can't afford lessons now, but maybe will pursue it a bit myself. Too much to think about at the moment so will put on back burner.

Yes @MJG017 I think actually talking about this stuff is hard because for the last 50 years I just got on with stuff and kept things to myself.

Even 3 years ago I would never have posted stuff that I have on a forum like this, which is anonymous, let alone said anything in an identified forum, whether online or face to face

I know that self-esteem and "not being good enough" is a common theme in people with childhood trauma. So I am not surprised that other people on the these forums feel the same way.

I wish people in general had more education and understanding of a wide range of MH issues. I don't think it's really possible for people who have not had MH issues to really understand but to have some idea. Especially people in positions of influence like politicians

@Till23 It's hard when other people don't or can't understand what's happening for you. I've certainly experienced it. I had a friend tell me, after I had explained to her why I was struggling with something and how it felt for me, turn around and say, "you use your anxiety as an excuse." I was speechless...and has no idea how to respond. I am embarrassed by how I did respond. I flapped about like a fish for a second or two and said something random. I wasn't even able to defend myself because I was so shocked.

Sorry you had that experience @NightFury

Hopefully, you can find some people who can understand, at least to some degree.

I think that is a big positive of the SANE forums. Although I would like to see a much larger degree of societal understanding.

@NightFury I have often been silenced by unkind comments. Mouth open like a fish... Nothing coming out.

@Till23 I hope you get good sleep tonight. Long shift! Good luck with the roof. I love Bushwalking. Did a bit of photography when I was younger and then as a mum for my kids.

I was solo a lot. At least it is peaceful. Having to face up to dealing with bullies seems a repeat challenge for me these days. Sometimes it is just big personalities or people used to lots of attention and popularity. They don't realise how much they dominate or how others might like a voice or respect ....I am trying different strategies all the time... Seems best not to let it go on too much....

What work do you do?

Thankfully I got a good night’s sleep @Appleblossom

Still feel tired though!

I don’t know if I just overreact to things

I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if I do not feel any joy and hope that at some point I will feel better.

Yes, to the putting one foot in front of the other.

Metoo @Till23

I get agitated by certain types of people. I used to withdraw if there was someone in a group who triggered me. These days I am seeing it as a challenge to stay engaged and deal with it. I was so reluctant to get in conflict, but maybe these are life lessons and skills I need to develop. I wish I had better emotional armour and didn't feel so deeply. I try to do the "Let Them" approach and query why I let people bother me and ruminate too much. Don't let them into your head or under your skin Apple.

I am feeling low about life, too, but in some ways I have better connections irl and online, than ever before. It is what it is. Maybe it's more mature to be stoic than falsely optimistic. Weary sigh.

Yes @Appleblossom my strategy is often to withdraw

I want to keep going to sport though, so I need to have, as you say, better emotional armour. I definitely don’t like conflict.

Why does stuff seem so hard at the moment I don’t know.
Maybe I have had a bit on in last 3 years.

That is 3 1/2 years of heavy going. There is a rating of life changing events and I believe all of them count highly @Till23 . In some ways it doesn't matter the official rating. You feel what you feel. So that is what matters and is real.

How are your cancers? If you want to talk about it. Do you have treatments to go through?

Needing to decide to put a beloved pet down is huge. There are all the feelings of grief and loss as well as concern about making the right decision. I have never needed to do that but a girlfriend really struggled with it. I am here if you need to talk about it as things unfold.

Regarding socialising....I thought @MJG017 made a really good point about regret, being sometimes a sign of not being familiar or comfortable with the feelings and expression rather than it being a sign of having done something wrong.

It sounds like staying with your sport is the best course. For a while I just went with filling my diary with various activities or appointments, simply to keep moving onwards and forwards with life, regardless how I felt. Getting to understand feelings seems a huge Work in Progress atm.