Acceptance is hard work

Hi there @AuntGlow I am not too badly today. How are you?

@NightFury Hope your study today is going well. 😊 And I am vicariously-glad for you to have the lego with @MissGremlin later on today to look forward to also. What a great reward for studying today I reckon.

Can I ask what you are studying? 😊

Re: half brother... Very confusing! I was thinking "wow, so great you developed a good connection with him and his family", and then the part about his just disappearing from contact... very confusing!! I wonder if looking after the new bub became overwhelming for them or something?? I'm curious what @AuntGlow 's thoughts are too. She of good wisdom insight. 😊

Hoping today continues to be "not bad" or perhaps even "good" whilst doing the lego later. 😊😍

Sending thoughts are care to you.

@NightFury Oh hai!

Ach, been a busy lil bee over here! But I haven't forgotten ya, I just never know when I'm gonna get swept up in behind the scenes stuff.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know how chuffed I was to read that something did shift for you last night! It took me a while to wrap my head around this stuff, and a bit longer than that to actually feel it as truth. And I still need reminders from my psych from time to time - it's difficult not to be hard on ourselves when we've been socialised to believe we should just... be able to cope. She was literally reassuring me in my last sesh that for her, she can just... make a list, then do the tasks, all kinda automatically. But for me it's like writing a list is a huge, brain-consuming task, then I have to deal with the overwhelm of looking at the list, then I have to push past the internal walls to even start on the tasks... what NT folks see as 'easy' or even 'auto-pilot' stuff, is a massive pile of stress and overwhelm for me to deal with. So it makes sense that we get told we're making a big deal out it when we can't do seemingly 'simple' things! Cos they are NOT so simple for us!

Also, I did read about your story about your half-brother. I'm sorry that you're going through this, it is so hurtful and frustrating when there's no communication or we aren't given any rhyme or reason for things like this. Sounds like having him rock up xmas morning was a bit intense? How are things with him now? Only if you wanna talk about it of course!

Thought maybe ya had, but it was also okay @Jynx I'm not gonna put any pressure on you to reply. Things get busy.

I can't write a list and have it on the page in front of me, because yeah...it's overwhelming. But, I keep a list in my head, with timings and order and everything that goes with it. And meltdowns happen if that list gets interrupted or timings don't align.

Internal walls can be tough to push through. I'm aware enough to know when they snap I to place, but often need help to push past them.

When I look at the things that need to happen for me to be able to do those kind of tasks, I can acknowledge that it's not an easy process and it usually takes a whole lot of emotional energy, push, planning and several near miss meltdowns for it to happen.

And re my half brother...it was a shock to see him on Christmas morning. I still can't quite believe or process that he just...turned up. And it brought up the anger and the confusion as to why he disappeared in the first place. It was just him - he didn't bring the kids and they've grown so much.

I haven't heard from him since.

Hey there @NightFury 😊, just wanted to say thinking of you today and hope the appt goes fast and better than you think it could 🙏🤞

@AuntGlow so lovely to hear from you! That is so cool that you studied trauma informed yoga 💜. That would have been so interesting, did you enjoy studying it? Very keen to hear anything you want to share about what you learnt- I don’t know a lot about it but have a superficial knowledge and (likely lived experience 😜) of emotions stuck in the body. Let me know if you’d like more specific questions or not re TIY, if so I’ll do more research about it first and will definitely get back to you 😊(I plan to read more about it, just haven’t been able to yet). Keen to try the exercises also and absolutely love how she includes her dog in the video I think that’s so awesome!! 🐶🥰 @AlwaysMyself

- interesting the connection re flight/fight/ freeze response (find f//f/f so interesting, more when no actual trigger and not in the conscious mind yet can still activate)

- interesting about the psoas muscle

- did briefly read about the heart opening too 💛

(Ps always happy to help/ potentially provide insights, so happy to answer any questions you could have overtime re my experiences with emotions stuck in the body) 😊

**edit- I found my old thread however hit with a forbidden 403, keen to make a 2.0 anyway with the same name- is there a way to make it not come up on the ‘recent’ feed other than putting it under than the SH&SI category?*

💫💛

@NightFury Hello lovely how are you feeling?

My apologies I’m very late in responding to you. I’ve been unwell. I am hoping your tests today go really well and you have a kind and supporting person doing the test. I have a biopsy test next Friday on a mole and never had that before. Please let me know if you are able how you go.

I can understand the reasoning you and Dr have had. I know that medications do have side effects and it’s such a balancing act trying to find the right way to go about things.

Im sorry the report had not come through. It should have been done and you need it as you’ve said you have no support right now and need the treatment. I’m hoping maybe it’s now come through?

It’s so hard to tell whether any symptoms are from increasing medication. If so they usually do settle as body adjust to new dose.

Im really thinking of you and sending lots of hugs and love to you.

@NightFury things do get busy!! But I never want you to feel like you've been forgotten about, so please don't hesitate to tag me again!! Things have been pretty busy since I got back, extra trainings and stuff for some added duties so it might take longer for us PSWs to reply, but it's all good stuff - new ways to connect with folks is always a plus. And we've got some new PSWs joining the mix too so I'm keen for a bit of change!

Wow I'm impressed you can keep a list in your head! Mine is so long and nebulous that it's like I can keep maybe a 1/3 of my to-do list in there at any given time 😅

Ooh wanna hear a fun fact? Hope I explain this right... basically my psych told me that the 'internal wall' we hit when trying to engage in a non-interesting, non-urgent task is the same part of the brain that puts up a wall that stops us from being able to bite off our own thumb. Bit gruesome sorry, but yeah it's a literal psychological wall, it's not just that we need to 'try harder', it's that our brains have these internal barriers that are immensely difficult to overcome. So it's legit that you need help to overcome them, I do too!!

Wow, I imagine that's been a lot of emotional whiplash for you re: your half-brother. Sad that you haven't heard from him either. Was it awkward, or wholesome, or just plain weird when he was there with you? Also as always, please feel free to put a boundary down if you aren't ready to talk about it.

@Jynx it sounds like you guys have a lot going on and I never want to be a bother or a hassle. Exciting things are happening in forum land. I struggle with change and it takes me a little while to adapt and to open up to new people.

I never have a long to do list. I just go day by day so it fits in my brain. And I constantly revisiting it...like over and over again.

That little fact is not gruesome. It takes a lot to gross me out. I've worked with kids for ten years and I watch medical shows like Ambulance Australia to relax.

I have a question for you regarding that block - do you find that if you have a task to do but the walls are up and the block has slid into place, you will do literally any task but the one that you need to do? Like today - I was supposed to be looking for Luna's microchip details within my paper work stuff (again, not a hard job). It was the only thing on my list to do before my doctors appointment. Instead I, cleaned out the fridge, tidied the kitchen bench, folded washing that had been sitting in a pile for a week, vacuumed the floor, mopped the floor, hung more washing out, made a pile of books to donate to the bowls club etc.

It was awkward and I felt kind of strange after. I was jealous because my Dad was too busy talking to him, catching up with him and I couldn't get a word in. But it didn't feel right to be jealous. He has every right to be excited to see his son after a couple of years. I was sad because it felt like I'd missed so much of the kids growing up years. And angry because it's not hard to keep in contact with someone if you want to keep in contact with them.

@NightFury you're not a bother or a hassle hun - you are the entire reason we're here! This community is for you and all the other members, and the changes being made are happening with our community in mind. It's okay to feel a bit unsteady with the changes, and don't worry, you're not alone in taking time to open up to new people. I think it's a shared sentiment amongst a lot of folks here - so listen to your gut, take it slow, and just remember, there was a time when you didn't know me either, now look at us!

Haha I am a fan of the macabre, so I don't find it gruesome either... I do have to keep in mind that there's others on this forum who may not feel the same! You a horror fan?

Oh my stars yes I do!! Haha I have joked in the past that my house is never cleaner than when I have a looming deadline 😅

In my opinion, jealousy is a completely natural emotion that gets demonised a lot. It's also, in my experience, a secondary emotion (as in it emerges in response to another emotion). Jealousy typically emerges from fear - fear of losing a relationship, of being rejected, of not being able to get our needs met. Connection is a need, so your feelings make absolute sense to me. The anger too - anger is also secondary (at least in my experience), so again it makes sense to be angry about those missed opportunities, the lack of effort to respond - because under it is, perhaps, some grief?

Thank you for saying so @Jynx

I don't like gory horror, but I do like horror with a story, horror with mystery.

Ahaha, it's the same thing with study and assignments - my house is never cleaner than when I have a big assignment due.

I think I have a lot of emotions around the thing with my half brother and I'm not sure I understand them, or have processed them. It's confusing. And when he withdrew, I kind of buried them behind the whole, "well, it's his decision and I can't do anything about it...so," and I didn't allow myself to even touch on my own feelings about the situation.