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Talking through trauma and PTSD

Acceptance is hard work

Acceptance is hard work

Before I start, I just want to say…that I don’t feel comfortable in this space. It’s hard to be in the trauma and PTSD forum, but for me at the moment, I’m working through a level of acceptance.

I don’t have a diagnosis, I’ve never spoken to or seen a counsellor, or received any kind of mental health support. I have a very good friend who works in a healing space and has seen and experienced the impact my mental health and my triggers has on me. She has a lived experience of CPTSD and she knows a little of my story. She has helped me with resources and just by being a wonderful safe space for me to talk about what I’m experiencing. She suggested that perhaps, I could be experiencing the symptoms of CPTSD.

I completed a self-referral for the guided recovery program and have started that process. It has me straddling the line of acceptance. I have always had “anxiety” and have experienced panic attacks and flash backs and all of those good things. My first memories of my anxiety was when I was a teenager. But now, I accept that it isn’t entirely accurate.

My brain’s blocked out some of my memories of what happened to me. Logically, I know that it happened, but it was as if…if I couldn’t remember it all, then maybe I could live with doubt and maybe that doubt was permission to say…”you know what? Maybe It’s not real.” And if it didn’t really happen, then I don’t have CPTSD.

I will also acknowledge that I have been fairly avoidant with seeking help for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is because I don’t want to talk about/acknowledge that what happened, actually happened.

I’m in a space at the moment where I know that the first step for me is actually owning it and accepting it. But, that makes me feel very vulnerable, and the acceptance feels “slippery,” I can’t quite wrap my head around it, as if a part of me is protecting me from it, if that makes sense.

Last year, a friend (who is no longer a friend) told me in an argument that I use my anxiety “as an excuse” and maybe she’s right - but not in the context she meant it. I’ve used my anxiety as an excuse not to acknowledge that there’s something else behind it. Is acceptance something that you let happen organically as you move through life, and counselling and all the processes? Or is this something that you push yourself through, knowing that it’s an important step? How do you work through this process of arriving at acceptance on multiple levels?

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme and I don’t know who else to tag, I’m sorry.

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In response to: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I can imagine. I understand things are lot to hold right now, but know that you are allowed to share how you're feeling here - in fact, we welcome it. @NightFury

What could compassion look like tonight?

You can speak about medication generally and how you're feeling! You're never in trouble. 🫶

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I got home from work today (we finished at 11) and curled up on my bed with the intention of having a nap (I didn't sleep much last night) and ended up bursting into tears @AuntGlow

The tears are still pretty close to the surface. I think that compassion looks like being gentle with myself over the next few days, reminders that I'm doing my best, and listening to what my body needs and allowing it without guilt or judgement.

I'm afraid of the consequences of taking it, of becoming emotionally numb again and of the long term consequences - whether they're harmful.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I think this is such a normal reaction to such a big change, and after everything you have been through this year too, it's a lot. And like I mentioned last night, it sounds like your body is needing a release. @NightFury 💛

How are you able to remind yourself to connect with compassion? @Jynx do you have any ideas?

For example, I wonder if post-it notes or alarms on your phone could help? Or even looking at Luna and remembering that she loves you unconditionally?

I understand this fear so much. Everything comes with positive and negative impacts in some way... and sitting with this knowledge has helped me to be ever so slightly more comfortable with the unknown.

I wonder if that could be helpful for you to sit with too?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I don't know, how I can remind myself to have compassion @AuntGlow maybe reminders or alarms on my phone? I don't know...if I would find that annoying if it goes off a lot, though.

I think...

It's scary for me to contemplate not having such big emotions, not having anxiety as my constant companion...I've been dealing with it since I was a teenager/child...I don't know how to not, I don't know who I am without it. I think I'm scared of that. I know that fight/flight/freeze doesn't feel safe, but I don't know if regulated feels safe either? I don't know if I can ever remember feeling regulated...and I don't want to lose me. Is that silly?

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

Hey @NightFury, I'm hearing how intense all of this stuff - diagnoses and medications - is sitting for you in your mind.

First and foremost I wanted to just back up what @AlwaysMyself said about you needing to 'try really hard' or things 'will get worse'. Honestly that made my blood boil a little - which is my own stuff largely, but basically I absolutely despise this pervasive idea that our struggles are a result of insufficient effort.

They are not.

I think most ND people are told over and over again that if only we tried harder, we can just 'do the thing' like neurotypicals do. But it's NOT about effort, it's about differences in our neurochemistry.

Small example, my psych was telling me the other week (so I don't have a source for it, sorry) that neuroscientists have found that the inhibitory mechanism in our brains that will stop us from say, biting off our own thumb, is the same inhibitory mechanism that we hit when trying to force ourselves to do a task that we have no interest in/no motivation to do. That's how thick the wall is. No amount of 'trying harder' is going to allow us to simply jump over that wall; you might as well try to bite your own thumb off. Not being able to 'try really hard' is not a reflection of you being broken, but a reflection of poor treatment planning and ongoing stigma, the kind of stigma that uses labels like 'treatment-resistant' or 'difficult' or 'uncooperative.

Also wanted to speak to this:


@NightFury wrote:

It's scary for me to contemplate not having such big emotions, not having anxiety as my constant companion...I've been dealing with it since I was a teenager/child...I don't know how to not, I don't know who I am without it. I think I'm scared of that. I know that fight/flight/freeze doesn't feel safe, but I don't know if regulated feels safe either? I don't know if I can ever remember feeling regulated...and I don't want to lose me. Is that silly?


This is so real - I think many here can relate to this feeling. Our nervous systems (particularly our survival systems) operate in a way that sorta means 'familiar/comfortable = safe'. When we've known nothing but intense, survival-oriented emotions, this is what our brains find comfortable. Anxiety can feel safe because it's familiar. Sometimes, this results in a very weird experience during recovery - like feeling a sense of joy or contentment for the first time in yonks, and then immediately feeling suspicious of it, or feeling like there's something 'wrong' with the feeling, or 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. This is why recovery can take so long - we need repeated experiences of something before we're gonna feel comfortable in it.

But the truth is, you are still gonna be you, even if these feelings change. You are in the midst of finding and creating the 'you' that you want to be, and that takes a lot of bravery, and a lot of trial and error, at least in my experience. Healing can be really scary... but so too can staying in the same place.

You'll get there hun. I have so much faith in you 💜

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

The not trying hard enough thing has hit me hard, if I'm honest @Jynx I don't know...maybe she didn't intend for that to come out like that? Or maybe that's just what my brain made of it...

But...I am exhausted from trying...I have kept myself going to work every day, showing up even when I was hurt and feeling like no one saw me, or valued me, when it felt like a kick in the teeth. I kept going and working at my recovery when my Grandad passed, when I was broken into, when I was afraid of being unemployed and homeless. I tried so hard that I buried all of those emotions and those experiences because I had to! I had to or I wouldn't have made it to where I am at this very moment in time.

And it's not hard enough. That's hit at a place that hurts.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury i hear you. I've had very similar feelings regarding the trying to keep going and trying hard to keep functioning, working, etc... and yet it still doesnt improve?!

It's not just you. It's not because you're not "trying hard enough". And what i've found is its only led to burnout and decline. But it's not my fault, just as it's not your fault.

Is there any advice you would give me for my experience of pushing myself to keep doing "all the right things" for the past 15 years, and still being just as depressed but now also burnt out...?

If there is, I would love both to hear/read it, but then also for you to read it back to yourself - because you're also in that situation from what i see (although possibly you have actually improved over the years?).

I wish i could instill the assurance in you about this. I know i can't. I know it can be hard to believe and trust, and i know the doubt that creeps in and the despair at thinking you're "not doing enough". But maybe its something about the world and life that needs to change, and not always *you*? 🤔

I really hope this new job will be a breath of fresh air for you.

How long do you have off work until starting the new job?

I really hope this time can be a total rest and reset period for you. 🥰 all those things your body is screaming out that it needs.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I don't know if I have anything left in me to "try harder" at this point in time @AlwaysMyself @Jynx

My start date is Feb 1st, but it all depends on how long NDIS take to approve my registration @AlwaysMyself it could be less, or it could be up to 6 weeks.

And that's exactly what I want out of my holidays. I need to allow myself to rest, to process and to reset before I start my new job.

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I don't think you need to try harder @NightFury . *hugs*

In fact, i wonder if "trying less" in some ways might help? For example, whilst waiting for the NDIS approval, you won't have to try to show up at work every day.

I see this as a real opportunity for you to nurture your soul to find healing in a way that isnt "big effort".

I've come to realise that, in a weird way, sometimes "functioning" can actually be more harm than help -- if it hinders the ability to heal.

Sort of like keeping on walking on a broken ankle!

In response to: Re: Acceptance is hard work

Re: Acceptance is hard work

I think that's exactly what my body is asking me to do @AlwaysMyself

It's asking me to honour the burn out and put things down for a while, to take the pressure off and allow myself to just be and to do what my body needs.

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