Acceptance is hard work

@AuntGlow no, I didn't do any meditation or box breathing yesterday. I struggle with consistency when it comes to meditation.

I was so very tired when I got home from work, and so deep in brain fog that I curled up on the couch and didn't really do much of anything. I went to bed really early.

I heard back from the counsellor and she sent me a much longer email than the one I sent her. She was glad I'd told her about the SI, told me that we would talk about it when I was ready and in a way that supported me. She said it was natural to not feel comfortable talking about it. She sent me through crisis numbers which made me feel...I don't know...resistance kicked in at those numbers and I kind of went..."NOPE." The walls went up, not with her, but at the thought of using them.

The idea of giving my anxiety a name sounded strange at first, like splitting parts of yourself, but now I think it actually could be a fun and creative way of looking at it.

@NightFury Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I would like to take a moment to sit with how far you have come. Pausing, reflecting, sharing - these are all really wonderful (and very hard) things to do.

I am so sorry to hear that you had this experience with your friend, it sounds like it was so incredibly overwhelming and isolating for you. It really feels to me like she was projecting a lot of unconscious triggers, reactivity, and wounds onto you, which isn't fair at all. It also shows me how you absolutely weren't to blame for her behaviour and how things unfolded (I hope you can sit with this for a moment).

It's understandable that you found yourself triggered by the Facebook comment, I would have been too. It's so easy for these kinds of emotions to resurface, especially if there's been no real closure.

I think it's amazing that you were able to get your assessment done in a way that felt good for you, this is huge! It's great to hear you're turning to meditation when you are experiencing more heightened emotion too.

I know this felt like a lot for you, but I can see you are really working towards coming back to yourself and supporting your wellbeing to the absolute best of your ability.

Reading this made me smile. 🥰

@AuntGlow thank you for such positivity, I need that today.

I am still at fault to some degree and own that. It's hard to sit with. I failed the friendship because I withdrew and struggled to communicate with her in the first place. I failed the friendship because I couldn't regulate my triggers enough to be even functional within it. I spent every night for the first 6 months silently crying, hiding in my bedroom. It was rough. I tried to fix me, to work on my communication, to work on my triggers but it was never enough - nothing I changed or did was never enough. I've internalised this, I think.

Edit to avoid having two posts in a row...

Oh @AuntGlow I just...I feel really sad.

@NightFury Any time. 💕

I can understand why you would have internalised this experience... however, what I can see is a person who was trying their absolute best to regulate through constant triggers - this would be hard for anyone to do!! I think this part of you deserves SO much compassion. I am sending you a big hug from afar.

If it feels okay, can you tell me more about this sadness?

@Jynx @AuntGlow I'm just going to let come up what comes up...

I had a massage on Friday. My body holds so much tension that it gets painful and a work colleague heard me complaining about being sore and she booked it in. It was just shoulders and back but I hated it. I wanted to cry the whole time, wanted to ask the therapist to stop but I was like...it's only 30 minutes, just suck it up. I hate being touched, and it's triggered that. I feel...ick and I just want that feeling gone.

The brain fog got me last night. It was heavy, my head hurt and I couldn't think clearly. I thought sleep would help me clear it. It didn't...not really. I woke up feeling the same and so...I resorted to SI. I wish that I hadn't. I know @AuntGlow you're trying to get me to try and be gentle with myself about it.

Trigger warning: talks about SI

I need some things to do to try and counteract it. I don't know...distractions feel like a band aid, but something to do instead. I'm feeling heightened and struggling with that right now. So much emotion built up inside of me.

The crisis lines...I don't want to. I'm not in a crisis. I saw a post on the forums and I'm wondering the same thing...what is there for the people that are in between. I see so many people on here share bad experiences with the crisis lines and I don't want to admit that maybe I have justification to reach out to one of them...sometimes. I don't know. I'm so confused by it.

My QLD experience - I am so angry at her, and it's brought up old hurts and...I can't fix myself. I can't do it. I'm broken and I don't have the skills to fix myself. Feeling kind of powerless and then angry because she has once again succeeded in making me feel small and powerless and succeeded in making me...feel anything at all regarding that experience. I don't want to. It's all...anger and guilt and sadness and brokenness and confusion and defeat and isolation and feeling like the safe place that was supposed to be a safe place, wasn't...so I have no safe place, and fear...fear because maybe this could a could be a safe place, but I'm afraid of losing it and of being too much and too broken and too needy and all of the too's that a person can be.

@AuntGlow Just a line you added in one of your replies today...coming back to yourself...that set off the whole, "I need to change something," for me in 2023 because I felt like I don't know myself. I don't know who I am, or is it that I haven't ever felt safe enough to be it?

Work...today was a good day by work standards - all teenagers well fairly well behaved and they survived - but I feel so different and disconnected from everyone. We had a staff dinner on Friday night and I chose not to go. I lied and told them I had a prior engagement - how do you explain that in just getting through my work day, I expend all the energy that I have. I have nothing left at the end of each day. My day's go something like...anxious, over stimulated, can't sit still, undiagnosed ADHD kicks in, losing my phone when it's in my hand, trying to regulate so that I don't spill out and accidentally rage at a child or a parent because I'm over stimulated and anxious and either struggling with brain fog, or struggling to deal with the noise of the general day on top of my emotions. I do a fantastic job! I can admit that. I hold it together at work - but crash in a heap when I get home and on weekends. Then, on top of that, there are students that I need to hold space for, that I need to hold up. They're so very vulnerable and for some reason...it feels like I'm the only one who "gets" them. They're the tough ones, the ones with behaviours and attitudes and hurt that I can't fix. I mean...what do I do? How can I fix it when you hear a child speak about how their step Mum hates them? How when they erupt in anger, you can also feel the hurt that it's masking?

I'm frustrated because...because I've gone full time at work this term and I am picking up all the slack. If there's changes it's to my timetable, if something needs to be done...oh, she will do it and I can't speak up for myself. I had a colleague say to me tonight - why don't you say something? Just don't let it go and I literally can't. I can't deal with anything else right now. Work...focus on work...I have that mindset...head down, get the work done. Focus. Sometimes even hyperfocus because I don't know what else to do. Don't let things slide because this is the only space that I have my stuff together in. This is the only space where I am not failing or falling apart in. Keep it together, with everything I have.

Also...I work in a Catholic school and I feel as if I should be ashamed of myself. Ashamed for my thoughts and feelings and struggles. Ashamed because...I don't understand my own sexuality and may feel differently. I feel as if...and it hasn't been said, and I WILL not communicate it to them...ever, that it's reinforcing the idea that something is "wrong" with me.

I also feel myself having a hard time socially at the moment. I don't let people close in the first place, but I just want the quiet of my own space, and I want to feel like that's okay, instead of the whole..."you're broken, you can't make friends, you're alone because you suck and you don't know know how to be around people..." thoughts flooding my head.

My brother - my brother asked me to look after my niece on Sunday. I told him I could, but not late (he wanted me to have her until 9 pm) because I'm all kinds of done by that time of the night. And he turned up the guilt factor - she can't go to the birthday party and he can't leave to pick her up by 6 and it's just too hard for them. I caved, because...guilt. Guilt because I left them for a year and missed 12 months of her growing up and that's one of the reasons why I chose to come home. I missed my family and felt like I needed to be here for them. They have a lot on their plate - their six year old son has just been diagnosed with ADHD and Epilepsy and he has a twin. They have three kids 6 years and under and he is my brother - I would do anything for him. I have to. But...I so desperately want to just be able to...be on the weekend and not have to...not have to mask. But that creates so much internal conflict - I love my niece and as I've said she lets a little bit of light and shiny into my life.

Urgh! I'm sorry...I don't want to dump, I see you guys being brilliant and helping people and I personally, feel like I'm not as important, not as pressing, not as deserving.

I don't share and vent like this often...but this is just and example of my brain...constantly.

@NightFury just wanted to let you know I've read your post and want to give some time to a proper response. Hopefully you will hear from me in the next hour or so.

And FYI that's because you are worth carving out that time for my dear, and very deserving of it 😊

@Jynx you don't need to respond...it's okay. It's a lot.

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@NightFury wrote:

@Jynx you don't need to respond...it's okay. It's a lot.

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I know @NightFury but I wanna 😋

Hello @NightFury, thank you so much for sharing all of this with us. I'm really chuffed that you have trusted @Jynx and I with your inner-life tonight.

It is always, always welcome. We may not get to it straight away, but we care about what you have to say - you are most certainly important and deserving of our time and attention, please remember that.

It must be very exhausting experiencing all of this so consistently; even more of a reason to celebrate your wins and be gentle with yourself, especially where SI is concerned. This is one of the most heightened and vulnerable states we can be in, so it's important to treat ourselves with the same kind of nurturing and support that we might provide to a little human. 🥰

I think crisis lines can be immensely helpful, but it depends on who you speak to and what your level of need is. I would recommend a service like Blue Knot Foundation or Beyond Blue for connection and discussion when you are triggered, they are both wonderful options.

I am curious, out of everything you have shared, what stands out as the one that creates the most activation in your body? And conversely, the least?

And lastly, how did sharing all of this feel for you? 💕

Hi @NightFury again some of your story resonates strongly with me. Even though there are differences, I feel there are a lot of similarities.

I have never had a massage and never will. I also don't like being touched either. If someone had booked me a massage I would have to say - you go I can't do it.

I know that distractions do not solve any problems, but they give you some space and distance from your thoughts and if you have a healthy one like exercise their are other benefits 😉

The "crisis lines" as people call them are not just for absolutely crises, because that's a triple zero call, so you can call. I have only called a very few times in the last few years and said I don't know if I should be calling and the people were fine.

You are definitely not broken.

I think I am quite a lot older than you and I don't know who I am. I am an introvert and I struggle with feeling it's ok to do things by myself and worry people will think I'm weird for being by myself. Because of my age lots of people ask about my husband and kids and it makes me feel weird. First since why are you presuming I am straight and what's wrong with not being married.

You are just as important and deserving as any one on here.

If it helps relieve some of the anguish etc to vent, then vent, it's ok, most people are doing that on the forums.

Hope youa re feeling better this evening