Acceptance is hard work

@NightFury oh was that a relief or a let down, to be put in the lower division?

Loud thoughts are no fun. Anything you wanna vent, or would that end up in rumination-land for you?

My Sunday is pretty chill so far, caught some sun, made a dash to the shops, and now hanging with my forums fam. Not a bad one for sure 😉

I don't know whether it's a relief or a let down! @Jynx it's kind of related to our conversation last night. My Dad and my brother play lawn bowls at the top level, and I have played at the top level, but when I was initially dropped to the next division I took it really hard. It was almost as if...and this is probably going to sound strange...I didn't measure up, I wasn't good enough and I lost a connection with my family. It was like...my value in my family decreased.

I haven't played for a few years, so this is my first season back. I'm not playing at the same club as my Dad and brother any more. But the feeling of not being good enough, not measuring up to my family and their expectations (which are probably perceived, but they often like to make statements as to whose the best bowler in the family). But also, I recognise that not playing in the higher division takes the pressure off me. I can relax a bit and enjoy rather than being competitive and worrying about whether each bad lawn bowl is going to get me dropped into the lower division. I don't have to live up to the high expectations of premier league bowls.

I kind of want to vent, but acknowledge that it's not particularly recovery oriented, so I don't know. I've got the whole - "I don't want to take my meds, because they're not helping. I don't want to talk any more because it's not helping. I'm working hard and trying and nothing is making a lick of difference," mentality happening today. I'm frustrated, I think. Frustrated because I'm stuck in this exhaustion, grief, depression symptom fuelled, low mood slump, and I don't know how to get myself out of it. Any tips or advice that you have would be helpful?

My counsellor told me that I'm having trouble moving forward, having trouble finding solutions to my housing and work situation because I'm stuck in this low mood. I have to work on that first. I think it maybe put a bit of inadvertent and unintended pressure on me.

@NightFury sounds like a very competitive family!! Nothing wrong with that of course, but it can be rough if things like that can make you feel like you're somehow 'less'.

I don't want to make assumptions, but to me that almost sounds like an example of conditional love, i.e. your worthiness and status within the family is measured by your ability to succeed in things they value. I might be way off mark here but has this sorta stuff ever left you feeling like you're less valued or less loved in your familial relationships?

You can absolutely vent - just flag it as such so the community knows what you need, and that you're okay/not at risk. For e.g. you could say 'This has helped me get stuff off my chest' or 'wow that was a lot, I am going to take a walk to process' or something. Does that make sense?

Hmm... the stuckness is toooo real, hey. And it's complex too - in my recovery, there's never really been a singular moment when I felt myself getting unstuck, it's more been tiny nudges and small epiphanies that have inched me along. Then I'll stop every few years and go 'oh my stars I can't believe how much I've grown'.

You know you remind me of myself in a lotta ways, like some of the ways you talk about yourself feel quite familiar to a me from about 10 years ago. It's hard to move forward when we don't believe in ourselves, or when we get bogged down in all the ways we aren't who we wish we were. In uni we learned about this chap Carl Rogers who spoke of a concept called 'incongruence' which "describes a fundamental psychological conflict that arises when there is a mismatch between a person's "real self" (their authentic experiences and feelings) and their "ideal self" (the person they believe they should be or want to be)." Does this concept resonate with you at all?

Hope you're having a chill arvo 😊

@Jynx if I answer honestly, yes it has. And not just with my parents, but with my Grandparents too. I once accused my Nan (my Mum's mum) of not caring about us as much, because we weren't like our cousins. They were sporty, and successful at it. My brother was always sporty. I tried.

It's also come up for me in terms of my education. In high school B's were disappointing and caused a spiral of self doubt. I had to get A's to feel like I was successful, like I was good enough for my family. A's were rewarded with positive attention, which made me feel valued.

Yeah, the message re the venting makes sense.

The concept resonates, particularly the part about the conflict between who we are and who we think we should be. I think those versions of who we think we should be are complex and layered. They come from our family, our experiences, our own expectations, what we think is culturally acceptable or normal. I think I put a lot of pressure on myself in that regard. I don't know if I've ever been able to just let myself be who I am or where I am and not who I think I should be, or where I think I should be in life.

I'm currently slouching in the bean bag in front of the fire, watching Paranormal Quest's new episode on YouTube. My dog has just started the "breakfast hassle" she wants to be fed.

@NightFury thanks for sharing that hun, it does help me understand a bit more about your experiences and how they've impacted you. It's no surprise to be struggling with self-worth if your worth as a person has been constantly put under scrutiny, measured by parameters outside your control, and compared to others who have had different life circumstances to benefit them.

Well, I will tell you now that the only person who gets to dictate your self-worth is you.

One of the things about working through our identity stuff is learning which parts are actually ours - and not remnants of the expectations of others. Something I struggled a lot with was the tension between mine and my parents' ideas of success. For them, success is a well-paid career in a 'respectable' position (whatever THAT means), owning a house, and raising a family. I mean, I guess this is a 'respectable' position but it's certainly not a high figure salary; owning a house feels impossible for most my age, and I decided not to have kids when I was just 19. I live alone in a lil shack with my two cats, I am weird as heck, I'm super queer, poly, have a tendency to embrace morbidity and darkness, and basically embody a lot of the things I was raised to believe were indications of failure. But I'm pretty sure if I had adhered to their expectations, I would be absolutely miserable. Successful and miserable sounds a lot worse than being perceived as a failure, and feeling joy and contentment despite it.

Ooh, big ramble. Anywho, this stuff is A LOT so like, feel free to take your time to digest and reflect. How are you feeling at the moment?

This is A LOT! @Jynx

I don't know how I'm feeling. I think the truth of it is sinking in and I think it's kinda hard to digest.

My first thought was that...I don't know which parts are mine. I think I'm made up entirely of who I think I should be, just to meet the expectations of others. And that...for some reason, makes me feel a little...stirred up. Because like...who am I?

I can relate to what you shared about the tension between yours and your parent' ideas of success. I have never felt like I can meet my parents idea of success - they've worked for their entire lives in their chosen careers, never veering off on different paths, they work themselves to the bone and even now that my Dad is retired, my Mum gives him a hard time if he sits down to rest. I don't want children (for very complex reasons) and won't give them a grandchild, like my brother has done. Which in itself makes me feel like I'm hurting them. I don't want to get married, like my brother has done. I don't own a home, and realised today that I probably never will own my own home with the way things are financially.

I don't meet their expectations of a successful, functioning human being and so...then, I have internalised that and feel like I'm failing at life.

And I feel like...I want to apologise to them all the time because...because I can't be who they need me / want me to be. Especially right now, especially over the last couple of years.

@NightFury yeah it's not surprising it's stirring up a lotta feelings for you hun. You are always allowed to put in a boundary (here, or anywhere) around like, too much too quickly. Sometimes stuff takes hours to process, sometimes days.

I can pull many a topic outta thin air if you wanna switch off from the heavy stuff and try to bring your system back into homeostasis/into window of tolerance by talking about silly, simple, or softer things. You just let me know, because I'm pretty much always happy to chat about big existential topics cos mental health and trauma are like, my special interest - but it is always on your terms, ok?

I got some reflecty questions but I can hold off if you like. It is getting late, holy heck 😮

I also just wanted to share that for me, the most terrifying thing about working on my sense of identity was realising the absolutely dizzying number of possibilities that open up when I decided I didn't have to be who they wanted me to be. We are both the protagonist and author of our own stories, and having that much sovereignty over the choices we make can be incredibly overwhelming when we've been jammed into one rigid role our whole lives.

It was also incredibly freeing, once I got past the whole 'rug ripped out from beneath me' feeling. It can be really fun and interesting to go out and find out who you are gonna manifest, by doing a bunch of stuff you never ever thought you'd do. I am not at all the person I imagined I would be, but I really like the person that I am now.

You'll get there, I got heaps of faith in you 😉💜

It just...all started to make sense @Jynx I even had flashbacks to last year, sitting in my bedroom in QLD, hiding from my house mate and crying because, "I can't be who she needed me to be." Those are the actual, literal words I spoke to myself. And it all comes back to this.

You could post your reflecty questions and I could...like spend some time reflecting on them and get back to the conversation when you're around next?

I need a minute with this, but also wanna hear your questions.

Hi my dear @NightFury !

Long time no chat!

@tyme!!!!! I missed you.

I thought that maybe I'd done or said something wrong.

How are you? I want to hear all the amazing things you've been up to?