@Bunniekins Glad you didn't give in, especially the last few days i have so appreciated being able to grief and let go of the pressure being strong and able.When you get very emotional do your voices pipe up as well, or is for you emotions unrelated to your hearing voices? Mine seem to be hand in glove really.
@Meowmy @ENKELI @Chasingsunsets @tyme
To not collapse into it can still be hard at times. For a long time i knew i should cry but was scared if i let go of the hurt i held 'in check' i would certainly die.
My Therapist teaching me useful and simple techniques has over the years been so helpful teaching me to take small bites, so as not to overwhelm myself. At the time i only recalled trauma memories of my sexual assault.
However in later years i began to understand my paranoia fear for darkness rushing at me, was not the moments of near death, as i had thought, but only the top of my childhood trauma surfacing, even far deeper buried than my assault had ever been, and anxiety to far greater levels than my assault at 11 had been.
The first recall moments literally floored me the intensity - and i finally began to understand that my paranoid child had not just been a scared child who had to grow up - but was truly traumatised in a way i still find hard to belief at times. The trauma memories that lay underneath that rushing darkness and i had freaked all my life my psychotic states.
Also the realisation the underneath that darkness was this immense intensity i had within myself that kept chasing friends, and family alike, away from me seeking connection and belonging my child, teenage and early adult life, and then again after my major breakdown, had been so much about.
The last few years have been like awaking a nightmare that took almost 5 decades to bring clarity my confusion.

To my wife in absence😭
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzquNcGS4a0&list=RD3YvI1j7LPis&index=4