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Can't decide whether to go on medication

AstelContributor11 Apr 2025, 2:34 am AEST

Can't decide whether to go on medication

Hi, I wanted to express this here and ask for anyone's advice or support.

In 2021, I was seeing Headspace. I was in the Early Psychosis Program, self admitted, and attended all my sessions with my case worker before I was given a diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Social phobia. I practically knew I was OCD and personally I felt relief because it felt right and less terrifying than another diagnosis I consider to be more dramatic. It might be worth mentioning that I had a nasty streptococcal infection as an infant and I suspect possible PANDAS but I've not looked into that.

However, during my sessions with my case worker, we discussed a bit about trauma in my history of which there is definitely some. Basically, my mother is an undiagnosed mentally ill woman. There is much emotional dysfunction that has orbited around her perpetual fragility, volatility, rage and mood swings. Due to her, we moved homes countless times and lived in a chaos of her creation during my late childhood and teenage years. I've only recently as an adult, being unable to escape it any longer, stepped back and seen her behaviour in the macro, and fully realised how wrong it was.

I say all this because I am wondering what I should do for myself now for my best chance at my own recovery. Basically, when I concluded my sessions at Headspace I was prescribed a medication for my OCD. It did start to work I believe. I would be driving and notice the incessant chatter, the alarm bell constantly sounding in my mind had quieted down or at times it was off briefly and I would have blissful calm. However, I had side effects of bad constipation that was enough to scare me in itself and I don't really remember what sequence of events happened but I stopped taking it without seeing its possible full efficacy.

Sorry for the spiel, but here is the crux of my question...

No one has ever really described to me what role medication plays. Based on my own research and understanding of my family dynamics and upbringing, I strongly believe my OCD could have environmental causes. If I believe a trauma based and relational therapy could reduce my symptoms significantly, but I am currently in distress and not able to initiate that therapy due to financial restrictions, should I go back on this OCD med and try it properly longer term, even if I don't see pharmacology as a long term solution?

Is medication a bandaid solution or how does it actually help with real mental illness recovery. I'm still unsure and would appreciate others thoughts and clarification on this.

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In response to: Can't decide whether to go on medication

tymeModerator13 Apr 2025, 7:15 pm AEST

Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

Hearing you @Astel ,

Look, I guess it's worth a try, and if it doesn't work, that's also okay. At least you can say you gave it a go?

Word of warning though, it may take some time and trial and error to get the meds that work for you.

It took me many different meds to get to the concoction that worked perfectly for me.

In response to: Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

AstelContributor13 Apr 2025, 9:21 pm AEST

Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

Hey tyme,

What has always been going through my mind when thinking about medication is always being dubious about how meds could possibly remove certain thoughts from my head. As mentioned I am diagnosed OCD and these intrusive thoughts are my constant companions. There is one pernicious one that has been with me forever. And I think I just accepted I am never going to be rid of it. I don't think I understand the mechanism of how mendication works but I have just always had no faith. But I have nothing really to back that up because as I said previously, I've never bloody tried a med long enough. I'm so apathic, hopeless and cynical. It's all my fault.

In response to: Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

tymeModerator13 Apr 2025, 9:31 pm AEST

Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

Hey @Astel ,

Believe it or not, I have constant instrusive thoughts. I just don't give them any weight. I acknowledge they are there, but I don't dwell on them.

In the past, I worked very very hard to push these thoughts away and the more I did this, the stronger the thoughts were.

Nowadays, I use the analogy of putting each thought on a leaf and watch the leaf float away down stream. Have you tried this before? The more you do it, the more effective it is. Check it out: https://actforpsychosis.com/pdfs/A11_Leaves_on_the_stream.pdf

I hope you can work with someone to manage these thoughts better - otherwise, it can be very crippling and really shed some years off your life. I lost 10 years due to my MH, so it feels like I'm making up for it now and I do heapsa stuff.

In response to: Can't decide whether to go on medication

AlisseSenior Contributor14 Apr 2025, 12:06 pm AEST

Re: Can't decide whether to go on medication

Hi @Astel

Thank you @Astel for your beautiful words and for sharing so openly. I can really feel the depth of your self-reflection and the courage it takes to explore these vulnerable places.

I want to say again how much I admire your self-awarenes. The way you describe your inner world, the layers of thought, and doubt, shows not only your level of emotional intelligence but a yearning for clarity and healing. You clearly hold a deep sense of responsibility for yourself and I just want to gently remind you that being self reliant does'nt mean you have to carry it all alone. You deserve support.

What you said about not having much opportunity to be carefree as a child, the pressure you described to hold yourself together, to appear "fine", even when you were't, really tugged at my heart, especially as I'm a mother. It makes sence that you're carrying some of this weight into adulthood, I hope you can offer yourself some space and compassion as you continue to unpack it.

As for your idea of studying philosopy, I think its a tremendous idea. Learning can be such a powerful companion on the path of recovery. Its not just about the learning content, but also about gaining confidence, finding meaning and bigger asking questions that can help us feel more grounded. I returned to study nyself a few years ago (Counselling and Mental Health) and found the experience deeply rerwarding. It helped me understand myself more compassionatley and fostersed a greater sense of acceptance of my own mental health journey. Philosophy is such a fascinating subject and I really believe it could offer you both intellectual engagement and a sense of purpose, especailly with the depth of thinking you have already shown here in your sharing.

I relation to the big question around medication, I hear you're still undecided and I think thats valid. Its ok to have mixed feelings and its ok to take your time. You're not broken for needing support. Sometimes, medication can create the breathing space we need to reconnect with ourselves, to soften the edges that may have become to sharp to live with comfortable and to give us a chance to get back on our feet again.

You mentioned being attached to your mind the way it is and concerned about losing that connection with medication. This is a valid point, as I can hear you really value your mind, even its challenges. There is nothing wrong with appreciating all the complexities that come together to make you... You. This is why there's no right answer, it's individual, and I'm sure you will find what works best for you.

If grief does come up, whether its about the peace you didn't get in childhood or even a shift in your identity with medication, you won't be alone in that.

I also think its beautiful that you're drawn to engaging more with others in recovery. The SANE recovery program sounds like it could be really meaningful place for you to connect with others who get it, and who can walk alongside you without judgement.

Your'e doing incredibly well, even when it doesn't feel like it. I'm genuinely glad you reached out, your'e not behind, your'e not failing, be gentle with yourself.

Life can be really tough, good thing is, non of us here pretend it isn't, you will always find someone who can identify with your struggles, listen and vaildate your experince. Please keep connecting with others and consider the SANE recovery program.

Kindly Alisse

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