Living on after an attempt

I'm new here. I've been searching online and I don't really find much that helps with how I feel.

TL:DR How do you find the desire to live again after making an attempt and not expecting to still be here?

About 2.5 years ago I made a genuine attempt. By that I mean, it wasn't a cry for help or attention. I really believed that it was my time to go. I had given up. I'm 45, and had been fighting with depression, anxiety, ptsd and undiagnosed ADHD since the age of 6. And it all became too much.

The problem was, I didn't research it much - and information about methods can be hard to find, especially if you're having a perfect storm of emotions and not really thinking terribly clearly. I thought it would be relatively quick, and final.

Well, obviously, I'm still here. And apparently had a strong constitution because physically I came out of it with next to no damage. Which is good, I guess.

The problem is, I feel like at that point, something in me broke. Before that, I had thought (ideated) and done some self harm. But I had never acted. And I'd managed to keep the facade up that things were OK- not great, but not that bad - even to myself.

But the thing about that point in my life was that, I really never expected to be here afterward. And honestly, I just feel lost. I spent months straight afterward walking around feeling like a ghost. Numb. Like i wasnt really there. Like I didn't exist.

I lost most of my friends. In some cases, what went down afterward was not helpful to me (and I think to them as well). There are a couple of friends I'm still in touch with that I feel for various reasons I can talk to. But many more that feel I can't talk to any more, or who have cut me out of their lives because I'm "too much hard work", "too exhausting", or "not trying hard enough to recover"....

Now I feel broken. I'm not working. I'm fortunate to be on disability. Now I realise how much effort it cost me to pretend to be normal and functional all those years, and I just feel burned out and exhausted most of the time. And like I've realised that I didn't really understand how to do life. i was just copying what others did.

I'm struggling with sleep. Can rarely sleep at night, can barely stay awake during the day.

The only thing that actually gets me out of bed and keeps me going is my animals, my pets. They are pretty much the sole reason I hang on these days.

So I guess my question is: how do you move on after this? When you feel like your existence has a net negative impact on the world. When you are literally hanging on by a thread? How do you recover, and possibly even start wanting to exist? When maybe that's something that you never even wanted to begin with? How do you begin to want to live, when 90% of your time on earth has been sadness, abuse, trauma, and the resulting negative feelings of self worth.

If you have read this far, thank you. Yes, I am safe. I have beloved cheeky little pets that need my care. I hang on for them. They are my reason for being.