Living on after an attempt

Hi @Ravenblue ,

Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing.

We hope that you find some answers to your questions in this forum, and connect with others. You are not going through this alone.

We look forward to seeing you around on the forums!

Hi 👋🏼 @Ravenblue your post is one of the most poignant and well described, that I have ever read.

@Ravenblue said: “Now I realise how much effort it cost me to pretend to be normal and functional all those years, and I just feel burned out and exhausted most of the time. And like I've realised that I didn't really understand how to do life. i was just copying what others did.”

I’m going to tag a couple of my Forum friends @MissGremlin @rav3n @Shaz51 they are amazing cool and very insightful people.

I want you to know that your living experience has touched my heart. I know those feelings. I don’t feel alone now.

@Glisten thanks for the tag in this post, omg can i relate to so much here.

@Ravenblue i have a couple of things to do first thing this morning. But once that's done I'm going to reply to your post properly. In the meantime please know that you are not alone, I've been through multiple attempts so I understand how you are feeling. Give those cheeky pets of yours lots of cuddles (for me aswell) and take care of yourself as best you can ❤️

@Ravenblue welcome to the forums.

I understand where you are coming from, I've been there myself, a few times tbh.

I guess some things that helped me turn life around was finding the little joys and wins and beauty around me.

I focused on the things in life I could do, rather than what I couldn't do, and I stopped caring about societies expectations and decided my own. It was a slow process to retrain my identity and my outlook but with perseverance and a good therapist it has shifted.

I found what gave me passion and satisfaction and pursued those things. Whether I chose to continue the way I was going or just do things I wanted to or enjoyed, I wasn't contributing or anything to the world, so I might as well learn how to have fun and do things I love. Id been on disability pension most of my life, that wouldn't change, so I stated doing small activities that gave me pleasure, like joining a card club at my local library, joining an art group at different library. I lived being in nature so I'd go explore different parks all over my city, find a new beach to watch the sunset, go to a dog park and pat all the dogs, even though I didn't have one.

Those little moments of pleasantry slowly started to add up. Things started shifting.

I found my own reasons to live, not caring what others thought I 'should' be doing, but finding my own purposes in each day.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, I'm trying to say something along the lines of grow the reasons that give you slight moments of joy. If it's your pets, continue that. If you feel lonely, maybe push yourself to try a few community activities.

It doesnt to big life altering things, it's the little things that helped me.

Now I'm pursuing life as artist, I have my first major art market this weekend. I'm terrified and stressed. But also excited. I found my dream and started to head toward it.

I hope my comments help, im finding putting to my thoughts hard this morning, and I'm not sure if any of it makes sense.

Hello @Ravenblue and welcome to the forums. I'm sorry to hear that things became too much for you and you made an attempt but I'm so glad that you are still here today. I've been in that position many times myself and it's a scary space to be in, you're prepared for it to be the end but you never stop to think in that moment what if it fails. I was so angry and frustrated at myself for failing my attempts and didn't know how I was supposed to come back from it and to be able to find the will to live. Everything after felt like such an effort after and I really felt like i was just invisible and insignificant, that my life didn't matter, which I guess is similar to you feeling numb and like a ghost

I'm sorry that you lost friends over what happened and it's a really hard situation, not everyone can understand what it's like to be in that headspace. I'm glad you still have some friends to talk to and I hope that continues cos it's important to have that connection. I myself haven't had friends for many years so I've been alone trying to cope with things, thankfully I found the forums here and have found a whole community of support which is invaluable to me. I've always been told that I'm too much hard work and too much for anyone to deal with. It's more that unless you have been in the situation yourself it's really hard for others to understand how you are feeling.

I get the struggle with not sleeping and that's tough. I've found trying to stick to routine and having set activities that I do to try and wind down for the night to be helpful. Also have found that even if I can't sleep sometimes it's better to just rest rather than trying to force sleep to happen.

I'm really glad that you have pets to take care of and they definitely need you. I've had to put 4 dogs down in the last 5 years so it's been even more of a struggle for me to find a reason to keep going, one of those dogs was my assistance dog and she was only 3 (I lost her a year ago) so that's really hit me hard.

Have you thought about finding out if there's some community groups around that you could join to build some more connections and find things that you enjoy doing? I enjoy doing arts and crafts so I spend alot of time colouring or doing other crafty things, i also love listening to music. Are there things that you enjoy doing?

I've been and still go through so much trauma, my life has been absolute hell so I understand how hard it is to have those negative feelings of self worth. But you deserve to be here just as much as anyone if not more cos of how hard things have been. I still very much am hanging by that thread so I understand how you are feeling. It's not easy and there will be good days and bad days but it's a matter of finding those little joys like @The-red-centaur spoke about.

You are not alone going through this and I'm always happy to chat if you'd like to about anything. You are valued and you are worthy and I'm so glad that you are here. Take care of yourself and know that there's a whole community here to support you through your journey ❤️

@The-red-centaur all of that makes sense and is such a great message.

I hope the art market goes well for you, so exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. But your art is truly beautiful and you should be very proud of yourself 😊.

Thank you, @The-red-centaur. Yes what you have said makes a lot of sense. And I think some of it I already know but when I'm feeling so down I forget it. And in my circumstances at the moment I'm feeling a bit trapped, and not sure how to change that. But something to work on when I have the energy. But particularly what you said about not caring about other people's expectations, because I think that is what has me down at the moment, that I'm in a place where I'm feeling judged but can't leave because I can't cope with homelessness at the moment (yes I have been there).
Looking for small joys 💕

Congratulations on your art market! I hope it goes really well for you

Thank you, @MissGremlin. I'm so so sorry to hear about your pets, that is so hard to go through. I have had several losses myself over the last few years. It's devastating, but it has made me cherish the time I have with the ones still here. I hope you still have some furbabies to hold and love.

My sleep issues seem to be more than just not having a routine. I understand there is some Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, what I don't understand is my ability to sleep sometimes 12-14 hours or more, but it is really interfering with my ability to get out and about and do things. Like I actually don't feel in control of it at all. It's not simply a case of hitting the snooze button. But anyway, for today I'm content to simply be able to rest. For some reason I've felt exhausted all day.

Thank you for your kind words, it does help

Hello fellow newbie! (I've only been on here for a few days), I'm glad you've found reasons to continue. "Faking it till you make it" and saying "you're fine" whenever someone asks, because it's easier than explaining why you're not, is exhausting. I'm sorry to hear your friends have moved on as a result, and you feel like a burden to those left, but I know you'll remember who was there for you at your lowest when you have rebuilt yourself and your life. In regards to thinking you're a burden, please don't, I dare say they would rather spend time listening to you vent than to attend your funeral. If they say you're a burden, or don't treat you in a friendly manner then you know for sure, anything else is your mind filling things in, self doubt, a negative self image, I know how my mind tells me negative things, after all I know all my flaws and weaknesses, it's not nice when your mind uses that information against you. It's time to stop concerning yourself with what the world thinks of you. You are doing your best, doing what you can, what your body and mind will allow you to do. Every step forwards, is still a step closer to your goals. Working towards goals is a good reason, for me it's working on myself, on my mental health so I can return to work and improve my current situation. I know where I want to be, but I'm focusing on the present, what I can do today, what I can control. Finding a reason to live can be a reason as well. Another key thing is self love, remember you are worthy of good things, when good things happen enjoy them (which can be hard stopping the bad intrusive thoughts). Perspectives are also something, you can't control bad stuff happening, but you can control how you react, it takes a lot of practise. You mentioned about 90% of you life till now being negative experiences, please trust that things will get better, you've made it through every experience you thought you wouldn't make it through so far. Don't give up, focus on yourself, your fur babies and little positive steps forward each day, if you're tired, rest, if you have a bad day, tomorrow is a fresh start at a good day, just don't give up.

My apologies I should've recommended making a tea or coffee prior to reading my reply, I tend to waffle on a bit.

@Ravenblue sadly I don't have any fur babies left. It's horrible losing them or anyone really.

I struggle with sleep so much, I haven't slept for more than 30 minutes at a time for over 4 months as I wake up having panic attacks. It's completely exhausting and makes functioning difficult. Some days i don't have it in me to do anything other than just lay on my lounge, other days i manage short shopping trips or trying to sort things out as I have alot going on at the moment. I'm glad you have just rested today, it's ok to have those days when the exhaustion sets in.

Anytime 😊