New here - BPD sufferer

Hi all,

I am 40 years old, been suffering BPD since I was early teens.
I have gone through so much therapy, psychologists, psychiatrists, mental hospital stays, tried several SSRI's over the years, DBT, metaphysical healings, schema therapy, yet, I always find myself back in a space of despair, distress and overall a deep grief response.
I have never had the temperament to lash out, I internalise, shut down and punish myself for being this way. I have never developed a drug or alcohol dependency and find peace in sleep and this is the only space where I don't loop on my thoughts.
My internal narrative revolves around "not good enough" and I have unconsciously ruined every single one of my relationships due to this response.
I have a compounding effect where it is more than one thing that consumes my thoughts. Work scenario, failed relationships, not being understood, the fact that I have to live with this for the remainder of my life.
I do have a close knit circle of friends who are extremely supportive in their own way, but it still doesn't give me the peace that I seek.

I suppose I may be considered high functioning as I am able to find work that is high paying, I have my own home (paid off), investment properties, shares, a large super for my age etc, but I feel that this has been a way to find worth in a world where I feel worthless.
I have never been married, no children, I spend my free time keeping fit through various activities, spending time with friends and family, but I find that this is all just a means to an end and that there is a big cavernous hole in my life.

At age 40, time has and is slipping away.

I ruined the best intimate relationship of my life about 6 months ago due to compounding effects of work (redundancy, took a role that wasn't suitable for me) and being so consumed by that uncertainty that I wasn't the version of me that my partner (at the time) knew, and I was unable to take on her feedback (which was delivered in a very loving and kind manner) and I perceived it as a threat, not good enough and took control of my environment by removing her from it.

Many months on, I now find myself in a heavy grief/looping response and cannot seem to find freedom in my thoughts.

After all the therapies I have done, I am still controlled by fear.
I have more than most could wish for but it has little bearing on how I think and feel.

I feel at a loss.

I guess I joined here to maybe be heard, and possibly understood for the first time in my life.
I know that there isn't a magic pill (rarely is in any event) but the despair has taken hold.


Apologies if this isn't what the intro post was meant to entail, but I figured that I would just dump it all as this is what I would hope to be able to share on this forum.



Seeking peace and safety.