New here - BPD sufferer

Hey @peaceandsafety, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you have been going through a tough time for a while, and you are demonstrating your strength and resilience by reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. It can be really challenging to be vulnerable and share what we go through, and you are being brave and courageous.

Not to diminish your challenges, it's amazing that you have achieved so much while facing so many struggles in life. How we feel about ourselves and our mental health is not measured by what strengths we have and what we can achieve. Nobody can truly understand what we go through as we are all unquie and are on our own journeys.

I encourage you to continue to share your thoguhts and feelings with the community and your peers may have some valuable insights they can share.

Take care

RiverSeal

@peaceandsafety

Most of us hanker for peace and safety. It's interesting how we choose our profile name.

I also worked hard to mask feelings of worthlessness and have been to psych professionals through out most of my life. People share as they do. There isn't a correct way.

I hope more come along and say hello. Welcome to the forum ....

Hey @peaceandsafety ,

Thank you for sharing. As I read your post, I felt I was reading about myself. I can relate to most of what you said. I have BPD and have had it since my teens. I am very close to you in age.

I also never developed dependency on alcohol or illicit drugs - mainly due to my Christian upbringing. However, given the choice, I probably would've.

And with my temperament, I regularly found myself in a rage. I'd cause a lot of destruction to both relationships and things.

I can't say I have friends, but like you, am very high functioning which meant people often disregarded my challenges. I remember a psychiatrist in hospital once said to me, "You just need to go back to work" - if only she knew the emotional pain I was experiencing every moment of the day!

And yes, at 40, I feel life is slipping away. I no longer long for a family or children. I think I'm 'over' that phase now and I can't weep over not having it - I don't think I'd be very good with it anyway. I'm too free.

Long story short, I want to share that I am in a much better place. I was admitted into an outpatient mentalisation based therapy (MBT) clinic and completed just over 18 months of intensive therapy. I cannot even describe the amazing change in me. It took a lot of time and hard work, but even today, I'm still in awe at how much I've changed.

Previously, I thought I wasn't going to see my 26th birthday - I was so close to death.

All I can say is that BPD can be a superpower if you can see your strengths. This doesn't mean there are no challenges, but perhaps the idea is to harness your strengths?

But yes, I feel psychotherapy is vital.

When I speak to people about BPD recovery, I like to remind people that it's taken a lifetime for you to develop the thinking patterns you engage in for you to survive. Therefore, recovery takes times. It takes a lot of hard work too to push past the thinking patterns that we fall into. When we have the support of a clinician to teach us to think differently, it activates new pathways in our brain. We then have to practice using these pathways in order to strengthen them.

For me, MBT really made a huge difference. It was several hours each week for a minimum of 18 months. It included both individual and group therapy each week. The equates to hundreds of hours of therapy - but it was worth it.

Don't give up. BPD is VERY treatable.

@peaceandsafety

Hi and welcome to the forums. I have bipolar and BPD diagnosis’ but my psych also thinks I have ADHD as well. Yay for me. I guess I am just collecting labels at this point.

I have come to tell you that I also firmly believe that I am not good enough and unlovable. This is despite being married for 31 years. No amount of my husband telling me he loves me makes me believe it. I ask him constantly if he loves me. I guess I am just very insecure.

I hope you find what you are looking for here. It had helped me a lot over the years to feel less alone.

BPD can be challenging but you got this!

It’s encouraging to see that you have found MBT useful, may I know where you are as I’m based in Adelaide. My daughter has been recently diagnosed with BPD and we are having a hard time finding her a therapist that is trained in DBT and she’s not very optimistic in that the diagnosis is there but no help to get her out of her situation and I could see her spiraling downward, it’s very very heartbreaking

Hey @Snow2 ,

Thanks for sharing a little about your daughter. My MBT was done in Melb; with a specialist BPD clinic. I don't know of any other clinics Australia-wide. It's still a very new therapy in Australia. In a way, I think it's because it's quite a costly therapy. I didnt have to pay anything, but when you consider that a group of maximum 8 participants with 2 facilitators for a period of 18 months (both individual and group therapy weekly), it ends up being a massive investment.

South Australia actually does have a few support groups you can look into:

BPD Co

BPDSA

How old is your daughter?

One thing about BPD recovery is that the person has to really WANT to make changes. The recovery is hard work and over a lengthy period of time.

For me, even though I tried so many therapies and therapists, I wasn't really 'ready' for change until I was in my 30s.

I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing how you go.

Thank you, I have registered for BPD co but still on a waitlist (not sure how long that will take), will try BPDSA. She’s 17 and therefore a very hard age to tackle. She seems to be ok and receptive at times but when it comes to determination and change, she will go with nothing works and why can’t they help me ☹️

17 is a tough age. It's like they are coming out of the teenage brain and into the adult brain so it may still take a few years of a rollercoaster for things to settle and stabilise.

My symptoms also started when I was 17 and in a way, I think I said the same thing as what your daughter said.

Be prepared for a long ride (I'm not going to lie). It's not something that changes overnight. And the person needs to be so so so persistent to recover. @Snow2

It does feel like a losing battle sometimes. For me, I didn't get this determination until I was in my early 30s.

By that time, my life was a real real mess and for once, I needed to stop blaming people and see that I was the issue - which meant I needed to sort myself out. @Snow2

I hear how hard it is for both family members and the person themselves.

A borderline WILL push boundaries but this is because they are looking for evidence that you care.

A borderline WILL feel insecure and that's why they want someone to look after them if they themselves are not looking after someone else.

A borderline WILL do some hurtful things which seem manipulative, but this is because they are on such a huge emotional rollar coaster and don't know how to handle it.

But also know that a borderline is very loyal.

Know that a borderline cares deeply and feel deeply.

Know that a borderline is very passionate.

Please do not blame yourself for your daughter's BPD.

Empower her as much as you can so that SHE is in control.

If you have any questions, please ask. I'd be more than happy to share.

You can also read some posts on Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script