Battles

@rav3n I have tried but just when I think I'm getting through something happens and it's back to square one.

Thankyou for that quote, I hope that's why it's getting tough cos I'm really not sure how much longer I can keep going like this.

@MissGremlin the fact that you've tried already means more than you know.

i've heard people say things like 'god gives the toughest battles to the strongest soldier' - no idea if you believe that sorta stuff, my relationship with god's a bit weird but anyways won't get into that - the point being, the challenges that get thrown at us can be unfair, extremely hard and even feel impossible, but you do have the strength to get through it. it's in you, your brain's tricking you into believing you've reached your limit - i assure you, you are stronger than you think.

if you find it hard to believe, take my word for it!

@rav3n yeah I have that strange relationship with God, I was raised as Christian but lost alot of faith with things that have happened.

I'll have to take your word for it cos at the moment I really can't believe it.

@MissGremlin Perhaps that part is simply emulating the myriad of people who have let you down over the years? Like maybe that part has the goal of 'no more hurt' and all you've seen from primary attachment figures is that when one is hurting, one lashes out, and one is cruel, and one isolates.... So it is trying to get you doing the same.

Acceptance doesn't mean agreement or approval. You can say to this part 'I understand what you're doing' whilst also saying 'but I don't need/want you to do it anymore.

Anyway that's all really cognitive stuff so feel free to just say 'no thanks Jynx' and we can always chat on it another time, esp if you're feeling dissociatey!

@Jynx yeah I get what you are saying. I'd have to be in a different headspace to try and talk to that part of me to try and reason with it.

Whilst it's not an option right now it's definitely something I would like to chat about more at some stage if I can get through this.

@MissGremlin totally, we will pin it for another time.

Are you surrounded by plushies right now? In a puddle of Stitch?

@Jynx not quite plushies, but I'm surrounded by pencils 😂.

@MissGremlin don't think it's quite as safe to dive into that pile... 🤣

@Jynx maybe not, especially cos I like my pencils nice and pointy 😂.

I just finished a picture and I've just started another one but this one is going to require the help of people on the forums. All will be revealed tomorrow 😊. I've chosen tomorrow cos it's making me have something to focus on getting through the night.

@MissGremlin

I totally understand distancing yourself. I struggle with that a lot as well. Sometimes I just don't have the energy to interact with anyone.

If it helps any, sometimes there is one thing that keeps me fighting. Spite! I think to myself the universe has dumped so much crap on me, let it give up! If it wants me to, the stuff it! I'm going to fight on just out of spite towards it, and to prove a point.

That's part of your brain that tells you to give up and than no one will care is hard to ignore, but you know it's wrong. Everyone here right now talking to you cares... a lot. There's been a few times this year when i've felt so guilty and so bad for what I've put my partner though the past 30 months that I was so close to giving up and just just quitting treatment and let things take their course. Just to end what i'm putting her through. There's no many friends at all, my family certainly doesn't seem to care so i started to convince myself it was the right thing to do. Luckily I got so frustrated and so upset that I told her. And she reminded me that i mean something and that it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, the people who care about me, even though it's not a lot of people, need me to fight. So I do.

I know we both have very different reasons for wanting to give up. But it's so important to reach out and listen to people you have around you who care about you when you feel that strength and fight is gone. Because those people, even if there's not many of them, even if they're online, will give you theirs. Don't make me write a 20 page essay on how amazing a person you are! Because you know I will! 😉 My two typing fingers are ready to go!! 😁