Battles

Here we are again it's 4:16am and sleep isn't happening. Here's my way of getting things out of my head. I'm safe and reaching out to a crisis service when I need to. It's been a long day and night and it really feels like there's no end it sight. But I know the sun will rise soon and who knows what the new day will hold.

I lie here awake and start to think,

What could bring me back from the brink.

It's so hard, don't you know

When you desperately just want to let go.

The hurt i feel is on a whole new level,

this kind of pain only comes from the devil.

What did I do to deserve all this hurt,

am I nothing but a piece of dirt?

My thoughts keep going round and round,

then my head it starts to pound.

I really don't like how it makes me feel,

It's like being stuck in a hamster wheel.

People say to just have hope,

but that's so hard when you can't cope.

I'm told that one day I'll find joy,

but I believe that's just a ploy.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do,

to find a way just to get through.

I question whether i even can,

or if i should act on my plan.

I don't know why it hurts so much,

but I feel so out of touch.

If i could just make the pain go away, then maybe I could face another day.

But here right now as I stand,

I listen to the voices and what they demand.

The screaming comes from deep within, I have to fight so hard to not give in.

I'm on my knees while I pray,

please lord just take it all away.

I don't want to face another day of pain,

I'm sorry but I simply can't do it again!

I really like the poem @MissGremlin . Its honest, real and raw!

Here's my way of getting things out of my head Do you find some relief in writing out what you feel? I wrote poems too throughout therapy, when I had SI to get it out of my head.

I'm on my knees while I pray,

please lord just take it all away. I don't know what you believe in spiritually Dreamy, but would you like the Christian community here to pray for you (if they aren't already)? 💜

Try and take care of yourself today. I'm thinking of you!

Oh.. @MissGremlin. I’m so sorry that you couldn’t sleep.

That poem felt so deep and so personal. So much pain came through.

How does it feel to have actually gotten it out? Vulnerable? Release? More pain?

Im hoping you are currently sleeping (as I should be)

I am praying for you that you kind find the light sometime soon.

Here if you want to chat.

Sending you my thoughts

Hello @Captain24 my sweet, it's so frustrating when you can't just sleep no matter how hard you try.

there's a mixture of things that I feel when getting things out, there's the release of getting it out but there's also the pain after of reading it and knowing how much is built up inside.

Thankyou sweet, I only woke up just before and your thread was the first post I read. Seems we both had a difficult night on varying levels.

I'm really hoping you are able to get some much needed sleep sweetheart ❤️.

Hello sweet @heartathome, there is a bit of a relief in getting things out but also alot of pain. I used to write poetry as a young child/teen and it was always happy/Uplifting, but now I can only write when I'm going through my darkest moments so the poetry often holds alot of hurt.

My religion has really faded over the years due to the trauma I've been through and I get those thoughts of 'if there really was a God then he wouldn't have let all this happen to me'. So whilst I still believe to a degree i sort of sit on the fence with alot of it also. But I'm always open to prayers.

Thankyou sweetheart, i hope you have a lovely day ❤️

I'll take it to the Christian thread then. 🙂

I can only write when I'm going through my darkest moments so the poetry often holds alot of hurt.

I can relate to that @MissGremlin . I can only write when things are really tough too

I understand reading them over again as I have been putting up my poems from the 90's on a thread here (I haven't tagged anyone) and going through them again has brought up a lot of stuff from my traumas. It's still somewhat confusing and triggering.

if there really was a God then he wouldn't have let all this happen to me' Yeah. I understand that. I've asked Him the same question! I don't have the answer.

I think my purpose on earth now is to support other people who have been through trauma, as you do!

I hope you have a glimmer of light in the darkness today. 💜

@heartathome i hear you sweet, it's so hard to relive that trauma again when we read the things we wrote. Do you mind if i have a read through of them?

It's just hard and it hurts with everything I've been through, questioning why and what I did to deserve it.

Thankyou sweet, you are very much appreciated here ❤️.

I hope you have had a nap @MissGremlin

I get the pain after seeing it written. The written word makes it so real and actually puts it so you can see what is inside and not just feel it. I think that could be a little validating as well?? Actually being able to ‘see’ what you feel? I don’t think I’m making sense but it’s working in my mind!

@Captain24 i dozed off for a few minutes that's as good as it gets.

It does make it so real, there's a degree of validation but often not in a good way. You definitely make sense though.

I wish I could send you some sleep. @MissGremlin. One night is not enough.

I think I get what you are saying about the validation. Is it like… this is written down, I can see it, it is true?