I've been trying to sleep for a while now but my brain keeps replaying the events from earlier tonight. Things built up really quickly and it got scary as I felt way too close to the edge of losing control. I did everything I could to stop it or slow it down, but I feel that I failed. I know I didn't fail completely as I did get through it but it's that things got so bad before I was able to slowly come back from that edge. Thinking back I know i was only seconds away from disaster, everything was blank and I could only focus on one thing, a way out, a way to make it all stop. I'm finding that I'm more scared after the fact when I realise how bad it was than what I am when I'm in those moments, in those moments I just want relief, i want peace.
I'm not sure what it was that helped me to get through or if it was a combination of several things that worked. I watched a couple of TV shows but I couldn't focus on what I was watching, I tried to do diamond art but kept zoning out, I was talking to an online friend who was helping to calm me down, I had Casper on my lap and I was holding his paws, I was keeping connected here, I reached out to a crisis service and I tried to just breathe through it until it passed.
I really want to avoid things getting to this point again cos it was honestly too much. But how can I avoid it when it happens so fast and without warning. I'm trying to remind myself that I'm ok now and i got through that moment but then I'm scared for it to happen again cos what if the next time I'm not able to, not because I won't try, but because I don't know what it was that worked to bring me back from the edge.
I just needed to get this out, it's all running through my head at the moment and I'm feeling scared, uncertain and alone. I'm safe and snuggled up in bed with Casper and I'm listening to music.
