Life can be a Pain

Hi @PeppiPatty

Aw wow - I read your response to my stray poem on my phone after I went to bed last night - I had not thought of other people in my life apart from my husband - and yes - it is the death of my son who tested my love to the limit of what he could do - and for years I blamed his father for a lot of it because that sad and morose mad was lost in his own depression which I didn't recognize -

But there were other people - there was my bff - who was gay - which was not a problem for me - and I am straight - but she began to demand more than I could give in more ways than that - and it happened before my son died but definitely contributed to a part of my grief work because it was just sad that I hadn't realised her sexuality and maybe she had not either -

Then my family of origin failed me too - this is how they deal with their children when they don't do what they are told - they are cast off - and I guess they expected me to cast my son off but no - I could never do that

It's amazing what you saw in all of that - and you didn't even read the last stanza - that is really something else - esp that I had this woman in my life and it had all gone sour -

Here's the thing in what might be a dialogue - good start - there was a "pyschic night" between me and my son - I was not his birth-mother and he had his mother issues screwed up - I was the only mother he could get at and pushed me as far as he could and I felt as if I had failed for a long time - but I didn't

We can only give our best - and that's true to the core and if it's not the best for other people - that is not really our problem -

Your poem - now that is something -

Skin to Skin - violence - missing him, addictive sex and repetitive drama - all to keep suicide away - it reminds me of what I read at university regarding revisioning psychology -

I can only grasp the imagery so it might take a while to really get past what I feel to why I feel it - but it does reveal a past containing whirlpools of emotion - like maybe you are telling your corrupt father to let him know through dark images of what happened - really intense

Push you away

Either way

As long as you feel you live -

Wow - that is powerful - tells them all - right - the men who have hurt you feel life - either way

That is massively powerful and I have only started to look at it - but I have printed a copy for now - until I get to the bones

It's amazing what we write during therapy - it can look at shadows - and see the light - without the light we can't see into the shadows and without shadows the light blinds us

I can feel another poem coming on

Thanks for sharing PP - and I hope today is the best it can be for you

Dec

Hi @Former-Member@outlander@utopia

Thanks for being so understanding - I am not seeing the OS to ask for an operation - unless he does an arthroscopy - It's good to have support - cause there have been days lately when I have felt too much alone and I like to walk more than I have been - and I will not give up my independence

So yes - better to ask the OS about the situation and I have a disc with the MRI on it but I can't make my computer open it - annoying that - but I have read the report and that's enough - still I can take the disc to see the OS and he should be able to access the actual film.

It's not actually the pain - I feel nauseated from the bone-on-bone clunking - and the pinching of the cartilage that is extruding through the bones in my knee - but there might be other things that could give me the time to recover my equilibruim - whatever needs to be balanced out - I guess I will get there in my own time but I do not want to lose my autonomy - I would not fit in living in supported care - and no one can make me go there so I will fight - I don't want to spend time in rehab either but the surgeon will know more than I do about that - and he is the guy who took the tumour out of my knee years ago

My life has't been easy so I will get through this one - aw - I remember Gran - she would not give up - she did die younger than people do these days but I wonder why - I often wonder why -

I have a better chance than Gran

Dec

Hi @outlander@Former-Member@utopia@PeppiPatty

I am really tired this weekend and very glad that I am going to make an appointment to see an Orthopaedic Surgeon tomorrow

I guess there always comes a time when we know something has to happen - but really - all I need is the advice of a specialist as to what the best thing to do right now is

Dec

thinking of you my friend and walking with you @Owlunar

Hi @Shaz51@utopia@Former-Member@outlander

I have made an appointment with the Othopaedic Surgeon - not for 2 1/2 weeks which seems a long time - I am really tired out and that's why I haven't been posting here

Oddly it's not the pain that is the bother - I could take more pain-killers for that but I don't need to - it's how tired I am all the time and getting up out of my chair is really hard work -

I don't want to go on and on about it - if I had made an appointment with the OS earlier I would not have been in the right frame of mind for anything to be done or even talked about - I guess most people want to do things in their own time

I hope to be around later - I have been worn thin

Dec

@Owlunarhugs its ok just rest now

have you tried taking magnesium powder in your drinks? when i had it it helped wth muscle recouperation and also energy as well

Hi @outlander

I am not sure if I have had that in the energy drink I have sometimes - I must have a look

I still watch over - I read what a hard time you had yesterday and I care a lot - there are times when I am not up to writing anything useful but I also think it's important to let people know when they are being cared about

I'm off to see my doctor now

Dec

i jsut take magnesium but take it in orange juice otherwise its fowl! @Owlunar havent had it in a while though

i care very much about you too yesterday? as in last night?

good luck at your gp appointment

@Former-Member

It's very nice getting to know you. You just showed an amazing picture....

CAn you tell us about it ?