Life can be a Pain

The anniversary and it's other dates has passed and I am feeling better and hope to continue that way - but I thought I would write a little about the days when I don't post

It's just hard for me to get past my own thoughts though those times - and my memories

My last therapist gave me a post-mortem diagnosis about my son's MI - a bit hard but I agree with her - she said he most likely had Borderline Personalilty Disorder - or some of those traits - and it all varies a lot from person to person.

This seemed right as he could not see anyone else's borders - including the law - and of course mine - for I felt pretty bad when he was alive because he kept breaking the law and his crimes became more and more serious and I lived on the edge constantly because I never knew what he would do next

He was into SH and SI and SA - and there were times when I was worn so thin I couldn't do anything. The idea of working when I was in a stew was not on - I couldn't do the housework and my studies suffered.

My journey was like many of those I read here - bad nights when I waited for dawn - bad days that lasted forever - my family bailed on us - and my then-husband - who wanted a son so badly - just ignored the situation - my son and I were abandoned - the people who were supposed to help most did not help at all - but I was very lucky with my professional help

I had a great psychiatrist who would put me into hospital when I burned out - I would stay for a few days - and then back out for a few weeks - I had migraine which he could treat in hospital. I didn't have medication except for sedation - reactive depression and antidepressents don't work - and so I can say that whatever it was - what I had worked

Years later I heard that this psychiatrist had retired and I was able to get his address and I wrote to him saying that after a long period of grief I had stopped taking the medication I had been taking - and I was much better - it was really good to be able to do that and I had a great answer from him - that was good.

But I don't remember anyone telling me about self-soothing or mindfulness or grounding - but somehow I found my way through.

Thinking back having my son constantly crashing my borders was one of the hard parts and the other - his constantly breaking the law and his SH caused me so much pain - but he didn't know that. I didn't understand what he was doing and why - but I do know this

He was a lost and tortured being - taken from his first-mother at birth without her consent - that happened a lot back then - then for two weeks he was in the hospital - I can't imagine people having much time to hold him and cuddle him then. I can't know how deeply he was traumatised but I know him and he was lost - at least when he died he would have been at peace

But it has taken a lot of time for me to be at peace. I would say that for 360 days of the year I am mostly fine - the other 5 or 6 days - pretty bad

But as the years pass it is easier - this year has been a lot better - when I read your stories I know that once I was like many of you - in a nightmare I could not find my way out of - but in time - I did

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and messages these last couple of weeks - I had plans that fell through but the weather was pretty sour. I had money saved for some retail therapy which was timely - it is always pleasant to have some new things -

You are invalubale people - you mean so much to me.

I don't like opening up much - but I have had a lot of days off lately and as my on-line friends I think it's probably a good idea to let you know when things are not that great for me - because most of the time - I am pretty good really

So for the rest of you who are going through the hards yards of being young - it doesn't last forever

All the best and thanks for reading this

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

Wow - I am behind - I have missed stuff that has happened to you - it must have been traumatic to have that tree fall - years ago I had the SES out when I had a tree fall on my house - damage to the electrical connections outside and some tiles but the tough part was that the tree got up to my front door and getting out the back was hard too - scary stuff

I'm glad you got the SES and that you weren't hurt - strong gales can bring trees down - I hope you got over that - not at all fun.

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One confronting thing tjat stressef me on the inside a little was The guy in charge was my old neighbour whose daughter was my girls friend / playmate. He drove his car right into the backyard and when he got out he gave me the biggest hug hello "remember me" he said. It was most unusual. bit I think easier than words as we had not seen each other since my girl died. So sad. affected everyone I guess. That was a bit confronting. I honoured my feelings and took a quiet break, layed down quietly, inside, and did breathing exercise meditation ion while I hey clucked around outside. I get overwhelmed easy these days, and live alone. 🌷🌿

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That is so wonderful that this guy remembered you and came and gave you a hug like that - hugs are healing - and glad your honoured your feelings as well - I am happy for you that someone from your past came in like that - wow

Dec

More hugs for you tonight @outlander. We all need hugz 🙂 You know you could write a letter to council asking them to provide at least one dog free beach. Are you afraid of dogs? Its said they attract sharks but I can't imagine why. You have a good night 🙂 💜💜💜

@Owlunar, thanks for acknowledging the power of that hug, i know you know, t was a rare gift that did mean a lot. I'm so grateful they fixed the tree before it fell onto the house on the next gust of wind. It was ThurFri winds that toppled it. But your tree story sounds disastrous, gosh 😞
🌳🌲🌴🌳🌲🌴🌳🌱🌴

🌴🌱🌳🌲🌿🌴🌱🌳🌲🌿🌴🌱🌳🌲
It must be a relief to be past your boys bad anniversary and it's other dates - glad you're feeling a bit better though, and hopeful, I knowvit takes time to bounce back.

I understand why its hard to get "past our own thoughts" at these times, and those invasive memories shake us.

The post mortom diagnos of BPD certainly fits but I can't he'll but wonder about any secret drug abuse and possibly Inherited Trauma (there's an article here somewhere here on Inherited Trauma (unresolved trauma) being passed down genetic tree.

It does sound like he got stuck on self destruct spiral down. I can't imagine what that would have been like as his mum. Involving the law etc when they tend to blame the parents, especially with him under age. Legal matters can be so stressful. Teenagers can be so difficult without all that legat stuff. I can relate a little with all the Family court custody access battles over my girl, police involvement and betrayal... Dare I say the unthinkable but I was relieved all that stopped when my girl died. Not that I wasn't planning to always be there for her anyway. I often wonder though - would I have been a far better parent without all that stuff.

Its no wonder you were "worn thin" with worry, stress, legals & responsibility - without support. Nervous Exhaustion for sure!!! So sorry nobody could help you with it all, especially your husband, but at leadt your psychiatrist validated and helped you.

I know what you mean when you say you were unable to "do the housework or studies properly. Stress sure does build up and stunt our performance (function).

Its good that you dont need antidepressants (reactive depression).

I don't think self-soothing (self compassion) or mindfulness or grounding were much in vogue yet back 30yrs ago. Relaxation & meditation ... Was. My first breakdown was in 1986 and there was none of this stuff then. Just relaxation.
Glad you "found your way through" (not that uou had much choice 😖

Poor darling, "lost and tortured" - forcibly taken from his first-mother at birth... Yes, you have had to ho on living with the ripple effects of his choices for decades. (life is NOT fair, but I believe the afterlife carries consequences). Glad this year has been a lot better for you Dec, hats encouraging for those of us early in the grief journey.

I'm honoured to be here for you D, in some small way. Glad we help.

How much money did you blow on 'retail therapy' ? What did you buy?

Thanks for trusting us with your heart, especially when youre 'not that great' - i thats why the forums are here. And, the sentiment is mutual - THANK YOU TOO! Big hug for you too.
💜🌷🌿

oh @Former-Member i dont deserve your support.

yes im completeley terrified of dogs and i cant write a letter to council. its not the dogs fault.

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your wonderfully understanding reply to my message about how my son's BPD affected me - you were pretty close to what I went through

Yes - there was alcohol abuse and a good chance that this was genetic or inherited - really hard to watch my son go downhill like that - and to make such bad choices. He was in a negative spiral and seemed to crave negative attention - however I was not into enabling. I did some courses during the time he was alive - Systemic Training for Effective Parenting and Tough Love - the STEP programme helped me to sort out whose problem it was - which other people like my mother did not understand at all - and the Tough Love - that's like - "we love you but we don't tolerate what you are doing so if you are going to do it go and do it somewhere else"

Aw - enough of that - it was hard yards

People at church were very critical - I didn't pray hard enough or long enough - my faith was weak - and wasn't God's grace enough? Of course God's grace was sufficient but everyone has free will and that's the tricky part. Some months before he died I went to another church and didn't tell anyone I had a son until he died and that was just after my car accident and people at church that weekend were all glad to see me because they knew about the accident but I told them that my son had died that week. At this church people were much kinder.

It is so hard to be blamed for what other people do - and when our own skills fall short of what is needed.

We can only do our best and I understand this now - I know I did my best - and I didn't fail.

The system failed me though and after all the hoohaa I spoke on Willesee - a Curent Affairs TV Programme and had my say -

What I did for the System after he died is what helps me through now - things are vastly different since then

Ah yes - retail therapy - I bought a lot of manchester - and I am not saying what it cost - let's just say I feel very happy with my purchases. My doona and one cover had past the best-by date and were really uncomfortable

Dec

Hi @Former-Member

I am so glad you had a good conversation with your son - I am sorry he's sick but on the other side - great he could chat with dear old mum - that works well

About the vinegar in the kettle - why on earth? - but still - I have a funny story

Gran was getting past it and instead of making tea she was making coffee and made it with gravox - I heard about it before I got to my cup but I think it was pretty ordinary - gotta laugh

Getting rid of that tree has to be hard work - when the tree came down on my place the SES took it all away - and what looked like and ordinary gum tree standing up went for miles lying down - strange that - and wow - all that firewood!! It must have been handy for someone - and yes - I do know about over-doing it with the physically work - it took me a couple of days to recover getting the doona cover on the doona - usually my domestic helpers do that

I am proud of you for keeping former commitments before pleasing someone else. That's hard but there is no need to feel guilty - it seems to me other people chop and change to please themselves - why not us.

I had to put myself first in rather a public way - not easy - I feel rather sad about it - but necessary - we do have to manage our days and what we can fit in or what is too much for us for whatever reason

And right - who cares what they think anymore? I am sure they will not be thinking much at all - you did good and fair's fair

My afternoon is quiet - I am waiting for someone to come and clean the filters on my A/C and I cooked a stir-fry with enough for tomorrow - I am better organised that I have been for a few weeks

I have an idea about my next holiday - fly to Eden and Twofold Bay and the Whale Museum - travelling that far on trains and buses would take all day - so let's fly

I still have to work out when and how - but I have been to Eden in the past but did not have the chance to have a look around and on the internet it looks absolutely beautiful

Dec

@Owlunar I wanted to send you love and support today. I can see that you have had to make some difficult decisions in order to look after yourself - I know that would not have been easy at all for you to do. I also know that you spend alot of time supporting others and don't often receive that support in return. I am not in the best position to support many people atm but I am able to reach out to the people I really care about to let them know how much I care for them and what a difference they have made in my life - so thankyou for everything you have done for me @Owlunar and I am here for you if you need.

Sending you all my love...

Zoe

Hi @Zoe7

Thanks so much for your post - you perceive things correctly - I do need some privacy in that area and never expected such a result - and I am really sorry about that - but what else can we do at times? It was a very difficult decision

I know you are not in a good place right now and I am so glad and thankful that you have reached back - I am okay - I do care about people - everyone I post with - and also - thanks for telling me what a difference I have made in your life - that is so cool

It's really good that you are there for me right now - more than I can say - I really value it

Dec

@Owlunar It is very hard for me also to see two people I really care about hurting so much. It is a different feeling than not wanting to have contact with people because it is triggering - it is true, deep-down sorrow for what you are both going through as important people in my life.

I do know from experience how hard a decision that would have been for you - so much history there and the support you have given has been unwavering but I also know there does come a time where it can be too much when it is so 'close to home' for us. I also know that over the next few days (at least) it will have an effect on you -so I am letting you know I get that and will try to be around for you.

Sending you hugs, support and love...

Zoe