Life can be a Pain

@Owlunar Its extra hard when a life is so short.

Yes, there are few in my case who even knew who cared about my loved ones who have passed. What is the right level of memorial and the right time to let go. for a while visiting graves was significant for me, but now it is something I do once per year. I alternate the sites. A parent and sibling is buried at each. My grieving probably took extra long cos I also had to figure out what their trauma and mine as we were all so young. Recently I rearranged my framed photos, so that my dead people were together and not in a prominent position. Little ways of honouring the dead and yet choosing to live for the ones who are alive. I have a long way to go to get all my paperwork in order. Maybe some other jobs there as well.

About the TENS - Good it works. I have heard it helps. Wondering if that is what my physio gave me for my neck. At the time, I just accepted and did not ask ... silly me.

Shoulders are complicated joints. Gently Bently

Apple

It is a massive thing your have done getting rid of all that paperwork @Owlunar I did similar last year - threw out, shredded, destroyed anything from the past that I had been holding onto - it was both sad and cathartic ...but like you, it was time. I felt a sense of relief afterwards - and yes, a new start in some ways. Letting go is so hard but it is also healing 💖

I am glad, and I bet your son was glad, that you did not give up on him. You loved him so much and was there for him. It was so horrible to have him leave this world but you could not have done more - and I personally not only thank you for him but on behalf of all kids that need and deserve that love.

We are so fortunate to be able to support each other here and to develop such friendships we have - I am truly grateful for all of you in my life - Mumma Bear @Owlunar and sisters @Appleblossom and @Shaz51 💖

Hi @Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Former-Member

Getting rid of the past is a huge job - I have lived her for nearly 20 years and although I am not a hoarder there has been this paper - neatly in files - and all the stuff I kept about my son has nearly gone - just in case there is more - it was all such a legal mess - and although it has tired me I am really glad it's all a works-in-progress - nearly completed.

Yeah - Apple - it's hard yards grieving - I stopped visiting any sites way back - as it says in the Gospels - "He is not here" - and that goes for all of them. My memories - my heart and soul - are full of them. And I really don't know where the ashes of my extended family are - my sister didn't let me know when (or if) our mother's ashes were interred - I take it they were - and I am not asking my daughter - whatever reasons there were for people's silence on the subject is their business - and nothing changes.

My son's ashes are in a memorial garden - not far from here - and I haven't been there for years - my parents put a plaque on her family's grave to commemorate him - now I find that on one of the Heritage Sites he is listed as being buried there - I just learned that last weekend - ah - do I care or not? - after all - nothing changes. At times something scratches me between the shoulder blades - I'm sure you know that feeling Apple - you have a lot of grief-work still to do. How much do people know and how much do they care? Or not?

You need to keep your pilgrimages until that is done - I feel deeply for you about that.

I'm sure my son was glad I was there for him until the end @Zoe7 - he almost told me as much - I had to tell him I couldn't help him anymore - he needed to pull himself up by his bootstraps and comply with the magistrate's orders and I was there - I knew what they were. In the course of that conversation - with the time of his life running out - the subject of my parents came up and I started to cry - he said he understood - they ask too much - of him and of me. He got it - and that is so precious to me - he realised I was alone in my battle for him - there was some professional help available - and I would take whatever I could - familywise it was cold and empty. I realise that moment - in a small library with useless books - we were alone and close - it is a precious memory I am happy to share with you.

Perhaps the weather and the time of year is getting to me.

There are a few people here who have been with us for years - since I first came here. We have shared the ins and outs of our hearts and souls here for - I've been here for 7 years - it was after Easter in 2016 - I had spent all of Easter with an injured foot supported on an armchair in front of me and watched videotapes of movies and I had rare moments of sheer boredom - and boredom is rare for me. I found Sane Forums just after Easter and I am so glad I did - and I so value the friendships I have made here.

Thanks everyone

Mumma Bear - this has to be my unofficial title now - like Community Elder and Community Guide - I am happy to have this.

Sending hugs

Owlunar

Yes @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Zoe7

It is great that we have been together all these years - and we have no idea of each other's names or where we live - even what we look like.

Still - we have all shared a lot and know each other more closely that we really know - I guess - and this is a wonderfully unique way to have a community.

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

Very tired and sore Mumma Bear so will come back here tomorrow @Owlunar 💖💖💖

@Owlunar

I am not sure exactly what more grief work I can do, apart from trying to change the system and getting it to function better, by hook or by crook. Its a really complex case and even for lawyers who are specialising in it, it is not simple, tho they are saying they are always happy for me to go back and raise it with them.

I may do some co-creating in dealing with restraints and some of the things we have all dealt with ... but some of that is about being chosen to be on a panel.

I also need to honour my own trauma, which was significant. As in had my own abandonment issues. Then also when they were out of control it was hard. They would not listen to me. They had actually lived in fancier foster homes and were used to better life styles than me which maybe made them look down on me a bit. Not sure. Certainly made there sense of what was possible and what was their lot seem unfair, where I had less to compare, which made things simpler for me .... maybe ... My sister passed just before I had kids but really my brother did the wrong thing by us in the end, too much manipulating me and my son and daughter when he was psychotic. I have not really talked about it much, not even with therapists. They have not been together enough to be able to get to that point. I feel I have done plenty of understanding, and writing away for documents, and will continue all that, but at this stage, it really is about me feeling alright to be alive and getting a life worth living. What is a 6 year old or 20 year old, or a young mum with tiny tots' responsibility? Their deaths took a huge toll. Perhaps if others in the family had been less intolerant, ambitious, selfish, uncaring or even maybe complicit ... hmm ... I do not know all the ins and outs and probably never will. Its not really anyone's fault. Most people did their best. You are talking from the POV of parent not sibling. Anyway I know I loved them while alive and honoured them after their deaths. Been playing Beethoven lately, including the Funeral March tonight ... which I played and had an instinct for quite young ... probably cos of dad's death ... so yep lots grief work. I am getting more accepting and relaxed about it. I call them my dead people, but there are some living ones too ... and I have been dreadfully scapegoated. So grieving for the life I might have had ... I am alright. I am playing beautiful music and that is healing.

@Owlunar @Appleblossom I absolutely admire and am thankful that your kids have had you both as their Mum. Your love, your care, your concern and your efforts on behalf of your kids is so heart warming. I know for both of you it has come at a very personal toll but everything you have done has been important and made a massive impact. Now is the time to look after yourselves and work through what you need. @Owlunar You have begun that by getting rid of all the paperwork and @Appleblossom looking at ways to make the system better is a great way to both change things for the better and work through your own things along the way. Both of you have played a big part in advocacy and I think that is a very healthy and productive way to approach gaps we see in any system and put our energies into something meaningful that can make a difference for many, many people ...and along the way healing for ourselves also.

Hi @Zoe7 @Appleblossom

Thanks - many thanks - to both of you - it really warms my heart to read the supportive posts from both of you - and the acknowledgement of the hard social and political issues we have faced and changed is deeply appreciated - it is definitely the road less travelled and not really noted anywhere of public awareness.

But we know - yes - we do - and to know there are people who still listen years later - that is really special.

Apple - I am sure I stuffed up through the years I was rearing my son - I had no handbook - no one gives us lessons about rearing difficult children - possibly even today self-help books would quite possibly not be useful for individual cases. My mother would say "There is always something you can do" to which I would answer "Tell me then" - she would shrug - no help there. My doctor told me that there were some babies who made everyone's life hell for months - months would have been okay.

So I hear you - where could you have turned through all your battles and grief. There were few resources then - and I do remember you saying your mother was antagonistic - no help there - I hear you.

There are times when I remember - some years back I gathered myself together and packed my memories into a psychological suitcase and buried them deep within myself - telling myself I would never share them - actually - this is since I joined this forum - and only once have I gone back there in my mind and no - never again. It's harder to forgive ourselves than it is to forgive other people - and with maturity we can be really tough on ourselves for the failure - or what we see as failure - of our youth. And it's not fair to ourselves really. We need to be kind first to ourselves - and then we can share that.

But the POV - that is harder to deal with. I have forgiven my mother - I will never forget and I am allowed to be angry as long as that anger is never out of control. Also - I know the reasons - or some of them - for her behaviour - but I can never excuse it -

Still - she was young too - except she kept that acidic tongue all her life - it could have been her choice or a bad habit - but it does hurt. And I know it's true for you that the memories hurt - and why would they not?

How long to you grieve for all you lost? - I can't answer that for you have so much to grieve for. It all takes its own time and those stages people talk about - alas - they do not run in any kind of order - and some never happen and there are others no one has mentioned in my hearing or reading.

Tough yards - I hear you - it's different for all of us - still this difference is common to all as well

Sending my love to both of you

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

@Owlunar 💙💙💙💙💙

morning hugs @Owlunar , @Appleblossom , @Zoe7