Life can be a Pain

Hi again @Former-Member

I have been writing my posts with bold-blue because it's Melbourne Cup Day and I have backed my horses and in a couple of hours the race will be run and I get a natural high from pure excitment - for a few years this has been one of my annual-really-look-forward-to-it things

Yes - I saw my doctor yesterday - he gave me something strong for my migraine - and told me it's not good that my cat scratched me so badly - he's leaving that decision up to me and right now it's not a good time to make the decision.

Anyway - I am glad I said something life-affirming - I do not give up - I might push things aside for a while - I am working on my passport - I talked to someone on the phone about my father being born overseas and I don't know about any of his papers - kinda strange that this is on the form but there has to be some kind of way of ignoring those details of someone who would be about 100 now - I was told not to worry about it - what a relief

My grand-daughter is feeling better - taking her time and still staying with her Mum and Dad right now - and my daughter is going to talk to her GP about hopefully seeing her surgeon earlier - and I don't know about my uncle - there are times when one thing at a time is impossible but at least I feel better about things

I have been ringing Life Line for support - I don't really have anyone in my life I can talk to about the things close to my heart -

I had a referal to see a psychologist - not keen at all on seeing another one - I have this weird feeling of walking in and stating my rules - just for fun - eg

"Here's my degree - can I see your qualifications?"

"I do not want to talk about my mother - and did you hear me say I do not want to talk about my mother?"

Things I feel like saying but won't - after all - we pay them and in my case I have used my medicare rebates and this one charges like wow - how much do they want anyway?

And they do want a deposit and they do charge for missed appointments even if we are sick and I am going to cancel that appointment - not going to pay so much to talk about stuff that is so private I only share it with Life Line

But it really gets to me that we go there and pay a lot of money for someone's help when we know nothing about them - obviously my doctor has seen her qualifications but that doesn't count for a lot - I think you said book-learning doesn't mean as much as life-experience

Anyway - that has been another thing on my list of bothersome issues recently - and I am not attending and I told me GP why

Hey - he charges a lot for 10 minutes and doesn't quibble with deposits or missed appointments - not that I have ever let him down

I'm ranting - obviously this is a sore point - so yes - I will talk to Life Line when I need to -

Thanks for letting me vent Lapses - and I am also believing in you even if I am taking time off line - or just checking in - there are days when I need my space - and I understand

Dec

@Owlunar. Yes the skin does get thinner with age and also infections are easier to catch as well. She actually sounds like a feral cat! But then, I'm getting crankier as I get older too. So I understand her moods, I think. Calm one minute, I'll attack you the next. Must be hard for you to live with though.

Hi @utopia

Thanks for your post -

My cat isn't feral - she's old - and getting cranky - and unpredicable and yes - it is hard

Today butter wouldn't melt in her mouth but it is not pleasant getting scratched

They are getting ready for the Melbourne Cup - I am getting excited - and they are bringing the horses out - yes - it's a magic moment as they said

And it has stopped raining

Dec

Hi @BlueBay

After all the build up - none of the horses I backed came home in time - but I get a real buzz out of the Melbourne Cup every year - and that's that for a year -

I hear what you are saying about your abusers - I have read about child abuse and to me the is no excuse for people who do that kind of thing - there is something wrong - something twisted - in their brain and I bet they think nothing about it which must give you the feeling that they are getting away with it - and they are -

I know the statute of limitation about that have passed - that seems wrong to me - and even so the victims of child-abuse are children and do not have their own voice in the matter and also - I know about repressed memories and how they are there all the time like an itch between your shoulder-blades that you can't reach - there is something there the whole time but you don't know what it is.

And when the time is ripe it bursts out and you have it and I know you would rather not - I think I told you once that some of my mother's physical abuse was in a repressed memory - I knew something was there but didn't want to think about it - really - it was like a painful ball of fear in my chest - and it came into my consciousness at my mother's funeral - so I really understand that

But I have thought about your abuse for a long time - and I know this - you are stuck and you want to get better but this is in the way - really blocking your path to your future - and I have read all of this all the time and I have no answer except letting go and this is too hard for you

I hope you can talk about this with your therapist next year - in the meantime I hope you can write it into your Word Pad - and save it so it doesn't go away - and when the time is right go back and work on it - it's the only thing I can think of

And it is so harsh - justice cannot be served - you were a child and you have no way to deal with it in the justice system. Our laws let you down badly here.

It's stealing your life away from you - has anyone in your team talked about the failure of justice to be served with you? I don't think you have ever mentioned it here - I have thought really hard - and in my mind I come up against a brick wall about it -

Thinking of you

Dec

Hi @Owlunar

when all this came out almost 9 yrs ago I did go to the police in charge of child sexual abuse. I spoke to a detective who gave me a complete run down of how the justice system would work. Because the abuse happened 40 years ago it would be treated as an historical abuse. And they can still go to court and the outcome or the penalty would go back to the 1970’s. They look bsvk at thst year and see what the penalty was and that’s what would happen now. (Does thst make sense hstd to explain)

he did say I would hsbr to remember everything from what I was wearing to exactly what the abusers did. He said it would be very traumatic going to court. Giving my statement and to really think if I would want to go through all this. At the time because all this was very raw overwhelming and traumatic I chose not to go ahead.

But he said historical abuse - the cases are always open. And if I decided to go ahead later on I still csn.

@Owlunar I’m still not sure snd to be honest I don’t know if I csn. You see my brother abusing me was the worst because it was repeated over many years many times.

When I look back this has been his history -

1. married at 18 had a girl divorced after 7 yrs

2. dated a young girl for a year then left

3. married a single mum who was a prostitute (we never knew) had a child another girl who had trouble at birth (found out much later she was born with heroin in her system). We didn’t know he was supporting her drug use snd prob his too. Divorced after 12 yrs

the bsby was 23 when she committed suicide with drugs.

4. Met a single young girl. Didn’t last long. He was having an affair while eith her. She left him.

5. Met a mother of 3 children. After 8 months they got married. A year into their wedding she threw him out after finding out he was seeing someone else.

5. Met an Thai women 6 yrs ago. Got married to her this year with no family at the wedding. He told no one thst he was getting married.

So as you can see he hasn’t been a great husband or father. Hasn’t seen his first child fir a very long time. She is 33 with 3 young children.

Snd unfortunately she wants nothing to do with any of the family. 😥

you’re right @Owlunar i do want to get better I really do - but this abuse from my brother is really got to me snd it’s suffocating me. I’m sngry I’m damn angry.

I now have a feeling my mum may kniw. Remember I never told her about him only the other two abusers. She told me a few months ago she wants to come to my place “to talk and ask me something”. But then dad got sick eith his heart snd she hasn’t come.

But im telling you now that if snd when she comes and asks me I’m going to tell her. And if she doesn’t believe me well I don’t care. I feel now she needs to know what her son did. Snd I know she’ll come on her own. She won’t even tell dad because that will stress him even more and he’s nit well with his heart.

Sorry this is long. I cried so much yesterday at my doctor talking about my brother. It hurts to the core. He has taken away my innocent childhood little girls hsve. He took away my memories of my childhood because there’s a big block I cannot remember. He’s taken away my self esteem my confidence my self worth judgements snd everything that goes with being abused.

Thats why my snger still feels I need to grab something sharp snd keep hitting the carpet. Last time I did that I was on the phone to lifeline and they called an ambulance.

I just want to be better. I want peace and quiet. I want stillness love and happiness. But at the moment I’m not getting that.

BB ❤️❤️

Hi @BlueBay

I read your post last night and again this morning and I really don't know what to say - your brother sounds like a down-right out-and-outer and this explains something about your mother though I don't think you will find much help there - and I hear what you are saying

I have read a lot about sexual abuse of children over the last couple of years - I can't imagine what that is like - It would arouse so much fear. As you know my mother was physically abusive and I was angry - my anger overcame my fear and I fought back - this meant my mother turned on the psycholgical and verbal abuse - and I know I can't get those years back - she kept it going until some time before she died so there were a lot of years but I can't change that.

I have let it go but it still hurts and it always will and so I know you can't get your childhood back and it will always hurt but you are stuck somewhere and knowing so little myself about the abuse children suffer I don't know a way past it either. But there has to be a way because all of this is destroying your life.

You are strong though - amazingly strong - I know you can't see it but other people can - and I can tell you this much - many people who have been through what you have would have caved in long before this - and from what I am reading you are getting better - this is really hard for you to see right in the middle of it - but you are a great mother and grandmother, you are sticking with a husband I would have left by now, you are a great cook - your meals sound amazing, you run your house and you have a job that needs qualifiations - I believe you are good at it but your emotional discomfort stands before you and gets in the way of your feeling okay about yourself

You know - other people are not thinking about you all the time - they are too busy thinking about themselves - making their own plans, thinking up their own dreams - and people committed to you give you time as they can and they do.

I used to worry about so much irrational stuff when I was younger - my son was too much of a handful - true - and people told me so much about what I was doing was wrong - and now - with the wisdom that comes with years - I can see they were wrong - they had no idea - and I drew flack from people because I had my own ideas and stuck by them - I still do - and I guess I have won the battles I fought when I was young

But I saw no way out of them when I was back there -

I don't always know what to say - I only know that there is a better future for you and you want that future - but you have to let that rotten brother go - he is not thinking about you at all - only what he can thoughtlessly and selfishly take from other people and from life. You are worth so much more that that. You deserve much more than that -

You feel so much is your fault - it's not -

People care about your here - breathe deeply and remember what they write - you are not alone, You are not a bad person because people did bad things to you in the past and sometimes now -

Dec

Thsnkyou so much @Owlunar for your reply.

I am so sensitive have been all my life that when I read people’s replies I cry. I remember one day at my grandmothers funeral I was crying and my dad told me off for crying. I was so hurt. My parents don’t show emotion snd not sure if it’s a European old culture thing or it’s just them.

Obviously I never got any.

You are right about my brother he deserves nothing from me.

Im still hurting badly from the childhood abuse. You know It makes me sick to think that three different guys took advantage of me. Not one but three.

I was so naive but I was only a little girl. Now I’m crying 😥

its not fair. This has taken a toll on me - my mind physically snd mentally.

I understand what you’re saying about letting go and the past is the past snd i csnt get my childhood back.

I just hope that one day I can take that leap and move on. I hope I can move past this horrible horrible trauma.

About cultural responses to grief @BlueBay - I didn't get any support from my family when my son died and my psychiatrist told me that Southern European and Irish families are more supportive than WASPy, stiff-upper-lip English people tend to hold it all in and expect other people to do the same and get really hard to get on with.

So it follows from that I would have imagined your family to be expressive with their grief and everyone - especially the women - would have got together and cried a lot and supported each othe and everyone would have recovered sooner because - after all - death is part of life and we all need to grieve

And my mother is of Northern Irish descent and yet she wouldn't let me cry at my son's funeral - and yet after my father's she screamed and yelled and made a huge fuss and it both hurt me to see her so upset but I was also angry that she did this because she had been so hard on me

So I understand - I do - I have someone here right now and I will be back later

Dec

@Owlunar, hugs