The slow collapse

Hello @Unwindering and welcome to the forums.

I'm glad that you've been able to use this space to share about this really complicated relationship. It sounds as though it has been very confusing and difficult to understand this friend's behaviour towards yourself, it's certainly difficult to understand from an outside perspective. I do wonder if this person would even be able to explain their own behaviour and all of the reasons behind it.

I'm hearing how hurt you are by this situation and I imagine that writing about it here and reaching out like this was a really difficult thing to do.

What do you feel like you need from the forums at the moment - are you just needing the space to vent, or maybe looking for some guidance, or just wanting to feel supported right now?

We're here for you either way

I genuinely don't know.

All I want is an end in sight, but it looks like it's never coming and I'm likely going to drive myself into a full mental breakdown.

I can't even explain it all because it's hours of typing and laying out entire life.

The joys if being severely damaged and distrustful of people.

Hello to you. It seems that your in a lengthy situation of circumstance happening to you as an individual you dear person. I feel for your anguish and sadness and i hope that you believe me when i offer my thoughts of trying to see if i can help be an ear hypothetically to you during this hard time for you. Sorry also that it causes such severe self loathe and unloved feelings about yourself for you. It must be so so tough being in the moment when it almost seems to the very pouint of totally no more possible bearable sadness and anguish for you dear person. I hope i am allowed to offer a virtual pat on the shoulder or fiendly word of sympathy and care and concern for you at the moment. I truly think while reading your heartbraking story that you must need as much support and kindness as your possibly able to get. Im now just going to take a very brief moment to introduce myself to you. My name is Daisy15. Im a person who has had a quite substantial amount of lived experience with mental health conditions myself. I will perhaps make a mental note to tell my story hopefully even as half as excellent a job at writting how it is, was or has been as what you have done, in telling us people reading here at the sane forum have and become aware of how much emotionally you are going through at the moment. Truly you have my support as a member at sane forums and i hope i can give you a break in your turmoil of depressive and negative emotions and thoughts for at least some time.

I actually think i really could sense that you seem to be a very soft and big hearted person. That is comforting to me as i find much personal respect from those type of people like you. I must add you obviously paid the school teachers over your education a very substantial amount of attention because your language skills in stringing well spoken sentences and phrases together is of a fantastic standard. That is a great job by you so well done. Really well done. I hope that over the next few days at least i can check in to see if you read my post so i can offer an ear of support for you. I think i see a sparkle or even gold silver or any shining colour within the not so far distance for you while you try to seek support at sane forums at least for now. Im wondering if by any chance have you mentioned at least the beginning of your life circumstance together with your general.practitioner at a local medical centre perhaps to see if they can be a middle ground base and stepping point for you to first get advice from in regards to your sadness and low self love and esteem. I hope you atleast have a place to stay at any given moment so you can snuggle with a nice doona or blanket to comfort you during your tired and exhausted periods.

I have my own slightly weighted fluffy blanket that i cuddle to when i go to bed at the end of a long day. It helps me to feel loved and cosy and soft and comfortable while i go to sleep at night.

In saying that. Please feel free to ask me as many questions about whatever seemingly related topics you may think of at any time ok . I have big shoulders and am more than joyed to be of a help to you here ok. And others please do ask me also or join in wherever to see if one becomes two becomes the whole of us all here at sane offering at least some small big medium.or large helpful amount of support to try make this person happier and cared about as possible.

I thank you for your wonderfully detailed response. I'm currently overseas so it was a nightmare circumventing the geoblock, but certainly appreciate the kind words.

I unfortunately have always been the kind to shy away from talking about my own emotional state. Believe me, I've tried. And as per usual guys, it was never easy to talk to best mate about things over the years (completely unrelated to us), but suddenly last year becoming a leper overnight threw my mental state into overdrive. Especially after years of trying to reach out, it's me letting myself down again from confidence and rejection issues, but the abandonment fear has been screaming louder than anything else.

20 years as best mates is a long time to turn someone away overnight. There must be a catalyst, and this is what drives me insane.

As an individual I've become so accustomed to repression and ignoring the problem that I struggle to even internalise my own issues and put it to words. I can only describe it as a series of parallel separate thought processes fighting with each other simultaneously.

I can function in my work making serious results, all while the second thought process is constantly stressing and looping. It's a self torture I know too all too well.

For reference i work a high stress commissionsales job I am extremely skilled at, but that stems from a scripted personality I've finely scripted over years. Up till this all started I was in line for serious career growth to a top position, but the mental health collapse that has ensued got me removed from consideration. I might make money, but demeanour has changed enough colleagues are contacting friends trying to find out what's up because of what they've seen.

TW: SA

Life's a mess.

I'm sorry you've had this experience.

You are not alone in it.

It's a sad reality that some people don't value friendship as much as other people - everyone differs in that respect. Sometimes, a connection just does its time and then dissipates as we all change and grow or decide not to. Everyone is on their own journey.

I hope you make new friends who will value you and reciprocate to the same extent as you do.