Grief and loss

That loneliness. It's always there but same days I feel it more than usual. I don't really enjoy day time anymore as it's more noticeable. The non responsiveness to really anything, an email, a message, whatever. Someday it just hits me as I search through my phone. Yet no one is there.

This last year has been more grief and loss than I could have imagined. Every angle - loss. Loss of family, loss of friends, loss of love, loss of dreams, loss of independence, loss of choice, loss of speech, loss of mobility and loss of my own living space. Today it hurts as I search for ways to fill my head so the noise of the loss and pain doesn't bother me. I don't even know this person anymore. I don't know how to explain it but I don't feel like me anymore. I feel so different. I feel my identity has been stripped. Even what I wear has had to completely change due to accessibility. So much of who I was is not there anymore and that's I don't really know, it just feels weird and strange.

I am getting to the point where I don't remember her anymore. The singer, the musician, the helper, the cooker, the driver, the aunty. I guess that is another loss right? The loss of my identity and the life I had once. It's slowly becoming more distant and I am forgetting her.