Don’t want to accept the pain

@Jynx wow, you actually lifted your mattress, you must have been an athletic kid. I was the non-athletic tall kid. Gotta thank my genes for that.

I give myself massages, it feels more comfortable than asking someone else to massage. Maybe I don’t trust anyone else to do that for me, I also don’t like when people massage too hard. My scalp is super sensitive from chronic pain. I wonder if the massaging is bringing up more than I realise. But I do feel different after a massage, the physical pain has been less intense lately. I think I may need to wait for my hair to grow out and hopefully become less dry. Dry hair breaks so easily. I don’t know where all the natural hair oil goes

@creative_writer slid/dragged is probably more accurate lol also they were only foam, not inner spring!!

Been thinking about remedial massage cos of that - like someone also trained in physiotherapy (I think that's the difference anyway) so they really know what they're doing in terms of pressure and accuracy.

Do you wash your hair often? Cos sometimes it's from over-washing, since that strips our hair of its natural oils!

@Jynx I would trust the physio with my neck and back but not my head. I don’t like people touching my head. Though I am scared of letting someone massage me. I’m scared of getting triggered. Even trying to feel myself in my body can feel too much at time. Just got something set off right now, not even sure how.

I only wash my hair twice a week but even then I need to deeply moisturise it each time. I use a hair mask instead of a conditioner each time, I feel like I would need half a conditioner bottle. Maybe it’s genetics, my skin is also dry. Though I do feel like I used to have more natural oils, I don’t know where they went. I probably have poor circulation too

@creative_writer maybe being so scared of being triggered is part of the problem? One of the phrases I actually hear a lot from people in recovery is around like 'It's not that I don't get triggered anymore, it's just that I am far better at managing when I am.' Obvs depends on the trigger, and the trauma response, but yeah like, just wondering if that's worth exploring, cos that's part of the whole 'avoidance behaviours' dealio I think.

Huh... maybe something a dermatologist could help with? You know cos that's a super cheap and accessible service 😪

@Jynx there is a lot of fear of being triggered, it can be uncomfortable. Like I don’t know what triggered the discomfort in my body tonight

@creative_writer just gonna try something here....

What do you think the discomfort is telling you?

@Jynx it wants healing and demands to be felt. It wants me to cry and let it all out. It wants me to seek comfort from someone but not sure who, I don’t think I can let anyone get too close right now. My body is replaying it physically

@creative_writer it's only a very small gesture, but I find it super helpful - just resting your whole hand flat over your chest/heart. I like to think of it as the best way I can hug myself. Maybe that could help, insofar as you are providing some comfort, some physical reassurance to yourself?

Cos yeah I imagine that tension between wanting physical comfort and needing to not be touched would be a real tough one.

Your family not big huggers? Would it be weird to just go up to one of em and be like 'oi can I have a hug?'

Cos all I got is these virtual ones - heaps of em, always here for ya! Buuuut I dunno how regulating they are, LOL

@Jynx I might try hugging myself. My family do hug each other so it’s not weird, but they are aware that I’m not always in the mood for hugs. I don’t think I can hug them right now, I just need to hug someone I can break down to and be emotionally vulnerable with. That person doesn’t exist in my life.

I’ll take your virtual hugs

@creative_writer

🫂🫂🫂🫂

Allll the hugs!!

And like... you're so right!! I understand entirely why there's such strong ethical guidelines around physical contact in the MH world but like... it's a human need too!! And just as much a part of healing as the spoken bits.

One day, if I achieve what I want to in starting a community centre, I think like 'mum hugs' and 'dad hugs' and even 'friendly older brother hugs' would be something to offer!! Cos there's some people who I swear doesn't matter if they're a stranger, they just seem like safe people to hug 😋