Don’t want to accept the pain

Is it common to grieve loss of innocence, loss of what could’ve been. At the same time I realise I wouldn’t be me without everything I’ve been through. So it’s confusing, on some level I feel grateful that I am able to connect with people on a deeper level, I do want to be a therapist and make a difference. At the same time grieve everything I’ve lost. I had to pay a big price to feel for victim survivors. I lost my peace of mind, I lost my first. It’s hard not to feel heartbroken. They’ll never be enough tears to shed for the pain. I am torn between accepting what has happened and wanting to rewrite history

I feel broken

When will the flashbacks stop?

How am I supposed to reconcile “the pain has made me who I am today, I’ve grown a lot from it as a person” and “I’ve had my innocence stolen from me”. I know everything happens for a reason, and I know there is purpose in my pain. But at the same time, my innocence has been stolen from me, there is no way of getting it back. It’s gone forever 😢. I could cry all the tears, it won’t change anything. I’m having a flashback right now and I’m trying hard to not cry

@tyme maybe I need a good cry, it’s been a rough few days. I finally got the PRN to settle the agitation. Feeling pretty low still, maybe the agitation + migraine has exhausted me. I think my brain is trying to make sense of things.

I do acknowledge I wouldn’t be me without my experiences. I may not be as empathetic if I did not struggle with mental health. I can use that empathy in my career. However, it has been a painful road, and I’ve had a lot of growing pains along the way

When the agitation comes back and your head feels heavy. Bipolar can be beast

The agitation is a bit better, still feel so flat out. I have to take today easy, migraines have been awful to me lately 😞. High energy mood states are bad for migraines

@rav3n I feel very jittery and my heart is racing. It’s hard to slow down even though I know jumping from one place to another won’t help my migraine. My mind won’t stop thinking

Maybe I do need to accept that even though my mental health struggles have shaped me and have caused a lot of growth, it has still been a painful process. I have lost and gained. In a way I feel grateful about how much I’ve grown, but at the same time I feel a sense of loss