Invisible and insignificant

this hit hard @Former-Member i'm so sorry you've felt like this. can definitely relate to a lot of those feelings, i always felt invisible and i guess my social anxiety came off as 'me being quiet and shy' when really i was suffering in silence.

i just want you to know that you are not alone in those feelings. i hear you and i see you. you're not invisible or insignificant to us.

it's hard sometimes to remember the 'why' we're fighting. for me, it's hope. hope that i get to experience the life i want. hope that i can give and receive love, hope that i can make others happy and experience the beauties of the world. we've already come this far, fought this hard - seems like a waste of our efforts to give up now? i truly believe that things can and will get better for you @Former-Member can't guarantee when but i know you're deserving of good things, and those good things are yet to come.

i'm so sorry that it hurts so much right now. i hope it hurts a lil less knowing that people here understand and are sitting with you. 💙

@rav3n that's just it I suffer in silence cos noone around cares enough to listen. Noone to hold out a hand to lead the way, no shoulder to cry on when things get too much, noone to help hold that light to guide the way.

Here is the one place I feel heard and appreciated and for that I'm truly grateful.

I'm hanging on for as long as I can just hoping for a miracle. But I'm exhausted, my body hurts, my mind is a mess, my heart is truly broken. The thought of not having to suffer anymore is so much more appealing than having to fight sometimes.

I was meant to have a meeting today but I freaked out and couldn't go, I didn’t want to go alone, I don't want to open up to yet another person knowing that I'm just going to get ignored and hurt again. I can't keep going through it. I want help but I've given up on trying, that inner fight is weak, if not gone altogether.

@Former-Member

Oh Gremmy, my dear and beautiful friend

When all the darkness rages in

All the pain and tears within

When life just feels much too hard

You are not alone

When everything is going wrong

When your heart it sings a different song

When you just can't fight to carry on

You are not alone

The battle feels so but won

Your life it feels said and done

You feel like you have no one

You are not alone

We stand here right beside you

We hold you in our arms

We cry because we've been there

We've been there in the dark

We know you feel invisible

We see you where you are

We love you enough to care

You have space in our hearts

I know it all seems hard right now

But know this too shall pass

There is light at the end of the tunnel

And the darkness gives way to light

Keep shining my dear sweet friend

Be the star in the darkest night

You are stronger than you believe

Please keep up the fight

Knowing that we're beside you

Believing in your every step

Trusting that we're here for you

With your every single breath

@avant-garde thankyou for this. I'm in tears just reading that, wanting to believe those words so much.

Tonight my heart is broken and it all just feels too much. That inner voice is strong and won't allow me to ignore it. I punish myself for feeling this way and try to get some much needed relief.

Tonight is a fight, tonight is hell, tonight I might just need that extra support just to make it through.

I feel the love here and I appreciate it all so much, each and every one of you is so unique and special ❤️.

We have all been through so much and we know the pain of feeling alone all too well, yet here we are sitting with each other supporting one another to fight for change, to fight for things to be better.

@Former-Member

I know they're hard to believe and I know that voice is really really loud, but please keep reading all the support you have on here, let our words drown out the voice inside, because the voice inside is that critic, it is telling you that it's your fault, that you're to blame, that you need to be punished, but that critic is wrong.

I don't have the greatest emotional capacity tonight but there are so many wonderful and beautiful people on here that agree with everything myself and @rav3n have said.

I am so so proud of you sweet gremmy

@MJG017

@avant-garde thankyou for the kind words and the support when I know you are struggling yourself tonight. It truly means so much to me.

I hope you can get some rest and that tomorrow is a brighter day for you ❤️

I’ve lived that Grems @Former-Member

It is the sh!thole of hell that you’re in right now.

The one consistent thing about life is change. Change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same.

@Glisten it really is hell.

Change is inevitable yes but is that change going to be for the better or is it just going to be more crap for me to have to deal with. It's just constantly one bad thing after another with me barely being able to catch a breath in between.

@Former-Member @avant-garde @rav3n @Glisten

I just got home and read this discussion and it hits home big time for me as well. As will be evident by the long rant I feel coming.

When I was born I was given away from a family that I always assumed deemed me not worth keeping, to a family that just wanted a baby after they couldn't have one of their own. So I had to grow up in a family that wasn't mine, that I never felt a part of, and was constantly reminded of this. Like I was just a reminder of a hole in their life, one in which I could never live up to filling... a real son.

I grew up with what I now know to be severe attachment issues and struggled so much with self confidence that I knew no other way other than to just keep to myself.... at home, at school, with other family... always the quiet one in the back that no one noticed. It is such an indescribably horrible and lonely place to be... so much so I never tried to describe it to anyone. What was the point?!

So I kept to myself, people didn't notice me, I took that as proof that I wasn't important or worthy and this loop of thought went on for decades constantly feeding on itself.

Even now, approaching mid 50s and dealing with serious health issues meaning I'll very likely never see 60, I can sit in a room full of my family, or my partners family and I will be invisible. They will barely talk to me, let alone ask how I'm going. I can honestly say, if my funeral was tomorrow, my partner would be the only one there shedding a tear. When this is all I've ever known, how could I ever feel anything other than invisible, unimportant, and like I'm unworthy of almost anyone's attention.

Knowing you're closer to the end, forces you to look back as looking forward isn't really an option anyway. So I look back a lot now and see things with a fresh perspective. None of it was my fault, none of it was me! It was the people around me that forced a small child to think like this. And it's similar people now who don't see me worth of support facing declining health resulting in a very limited amount of time. I can't help the situation I was born into, and I can only continue to deal with the effects. While I'm know I'm now lucky to have a partner who supports and loves me, I know by the time I met her in my early/mid 40s, so much emotional damage was already done. She saw past it and saw something in me no one else had, so it wasn't impossible as I had always thought. It's only since finding supportive and empathetic people online, that I could start to see none of it was my fault. I was just unfortunate enough to be born around people who didn't value me and then unfortunate enough to not meet anyone who saw me any different until much later in life. So I refuse to blame myself for any of it anymore. I deserved better but life isn't always fair. Good people get ignored, or even badly mistreated. No one asks for this or deserves this. We can't change any of it, but we can refuse to blame and hate ourselves for the neglect, lack of understanding, and even the cruelty of others. But we can do what so many others have failed to do... see ourselves as important and as individuals with so much to give given a chance. It's the very least we deserve.

Imagine if a lot of the people physically around us in our everyday lives were as kind, supportive and understanding as everyone here online. Imagine the difference that would make. Life works out a lot differently and it doesn't need us to change at all.

Because it’s so horrible, it feels like forever, @Former-Member

Up until 10 years ago, I was one of those people that always landed on their feet. Occasionally serendipity and synchronicity would go my way. But I haven’t felt that way in years.

I got excited last week, just getting 5 years of tax returns done. 😆

This is Pegasus aka Gus and George.

George is in front.