BPD partner. I need help

From my own experience as a borderline, I wonder if she is saying this as a way to comfort herself and protect herself @Actualpandora01 ? That is, for me, I was intentionally horrible to push people away so that I could protect myself from being hurt - but it didn't mean this is what I wanted.

Just a thought.

Please stay in touch and let us know how you go.

I hear you care for her a lot.

I did reach out with the most gentle response I could muster but she has a list of things that I have done that aren't forgivable. I understand why she is hurting. But the lack of forgiveness of my actions is destroying her. I can't see a way that I can actually help. Apologies and showing her I can improve doesn't work. I think me being around is just shit for her. I'm so tired of feeling responsible for her pain. It's crushing me, and while I know that's selfish to say, I don't see a way that I don't hurt her. I took too long to reply and she has blocked me so the actions are out of my control now. I guess I have to pull myself back up and try again

Hey @Actualpandora01 ,

It sounds like this is a learning for her and she cannot yet see her part in things not working.

Speaking from my own experience, I spent years and years blaming people and pushing them away because they were the 'cause'. Until I came to the end of myself and realised I can't get away from myself or my own thoughts. And this didn't happen until my 30s.

I wonder if she is still in the 'blame' stage?

From your perspective, I can see why you may be blaming yourself. But I'd encourage you to see that it takes 2. Please show yourself some compassion and self-love.

If you take your stance, let her know you are there for her if she feels up to it in the future, then leave it at that, my guess is that she will remember those that stood and were strong with their values.

My fear is, is you let her know you were the one who did all the wrong, then even if the relationship is restored short term, there is a strong chance that the blame will continually be put on you - that you are the issue.

Sorry if I'm not very articulate. I know what I want to say, but I'm mindful how I say it. Each time you post, I can pinpoint the moment I experienced something very similar in my own life (as a borderline). But I have also seen what recovery looks like - that's the difference.

Ownership from the borderline's perspective is key.

Thinking of you @Actualpandora01

Hugs.