BPD partner. I need help

@Vines ,

Thank you for your heartfelt post.

I really hope your partner gets the support he deserves.

The thing is, with BPD, the treatment is quite different to other mental health conditions in that it is not reliant on medication for recovery. Whilst medication can assist with the anxiety/depression that may come with BPD, it doesn't actually solve the underlying issue.

I think this is really the purpose of getting a BPD diagnosis more than anything else - it informs treatment/therapy.

And yes, there's definitely no point trying to reason with a borderline when they are triggered. It's always been said, with BPD, "Strike when the iron is cold".

What worked for me is that the person walked away when I was raging (to protect themselves), but that they told me when they would return to check-in on me. That gave me the confidence that they were not abandoning me. This check-in later was very important for me. e.g "I can see you are upset, so I'll just come back in 15 mins to see how you are."

The other important aspect was CHOICE. In my head, I was so emotionally everywhere that if anyone tried to take choice away from me, I'd flip the lid. So what I realised is how someone phrases something is so important. Something that stands out is how my psychologist framed requests. Instead of telling me to do something, he'd always say "I invite you to....". By framing it that way, I was in control.

These are just very minor changes that can be done which can make HUGE differences when interacting with a borderline.

All the best. I hope to hear from you @Vines

@Actualpandora01 @Help77 @Unfurling

We actually broke up. It has been a repeat of this for a fair few months now. I haven't wanted to break up but a range of actions that I have been doing has triggered her, making her believe either of two things, that I don't love her or that the way I am is not right for her because I am not able to validate her experience. I have tried so hard to understand what to avoid to not trigger her but it happened so often that I got overwhelmed. And when I reflect on it all, I can see that I have really let her down at times. Sometimes the words I thought were caring and supportive were actually dismissive. I can see that and I hate that I am not together enough myself to manage this. I am not making excuses for my lack of support. Relearning healthy ways to respond is hard, and I am struggling to find good examples or role models to rely on. And as selfish as this is, I know I put effort in and I was doing what I could to be better. But just like how her ingrained beliefs are hard to change, so are my ways of coping during conflict.

I'm so disappointed about the break up. Every time it has happened, I have had to come to terms with in and decide to rebuild myself. But I'm just so tired of it. Because I know I wanted it to work. All I wanted was to live the rest of my days next to her. And I am trying to come to terms with her being rejected to start with but also for the loss of our future together. Days with her were peaceful and full of quiet, good energy. And I miss her.

The hardest part of this is the damage to my ego. I went to pick up my last stuff from her but when I pulled into her driveway, she was parked there. Before I could reverse back safely, she started to reverse towards me. I got out of the way but how could she want to do that to me. She must hate me so much to do that. This is the same person that saw me falling apart when my pet passed away and intuitively supported me with such tenderness. The way she looked at me as she drove off is stuck in my head and I am devastated that the person I still love had so much disgust in her expression, directed at me. How could it change so much? I know I think about her all the time and I have the urge to reach out to her, so we can be close or to tell her about the good and bad things happening to me. I'm disappointed at the thought that she doesn't know or doesn't believe that I still love her. I only want the best for her. It's clear to me that I am not that and it breaks my heart.

hey there @Actualpandora01 i just read about your break up - i'm so sorry to hear how hard its been. my friend just went through one not long ago, and reading your story reminded me a lot of what she had said too. i can see that you've tried really hard to be a good partner, and that you have so much love for her.

changing one's 'ingrained' beliefs sounds like a lot pressure and responsibility to place on you, i wonder if it's something that was actually her responsibility to work on while you supported her from the side?

love is a weird thing, people have such a wide range of how they display love or receive love. there's been times where the people who loved me, treated me poorly and hurt me... because to them, showing the love they had for me made them feel 'weak'. i wonder if maybe her 'disgust' expression was her trying hard to hide the love she had for you, to make you think she's moving on?

you can love people in your life, but sometimes they might not be compatible - and that's okay. it feels horrible and heartbreaking now, but there was life before her - and there's a whole life after her too. take your time to grieve this relationship, there's no rush. here for you.

Thanks for replying @rav3n

I'm having times were intellectually, I understand that her responsibilities are her own and that we had some areas where we didn't align. But then there are these moments where I feel overtaken by such guilt for her being in a position where she has to face this on her own. And then I get angry because it wasnt my choice to leave but I feel at fault. The urge to reach out and explain and make sure she realises I still care is there. Im aware of and working on handling my own codependency issues. But damn is so painful. It's an effort to get myself through it.

The validation and care in your message is kind. And it also makes me sad because I've lost that part of my relationship. It's not easy to find my spark when I feel responsible for taking someone else's away.

I'm very grateful for you kindness. I am working through it and trying to stay focused on living life in a way that I am proud of my choices, that they reflect who I am.

@Actualpandora01 that's really tough when the guilt and anger comes from yourself, i can see how it makes the processing more difficult. and putting that pressure on yourself to be better can have its pros and cons - cons being, you beat yourself up for not living up to your expectations. it was your first time experiencing this too, it was your first time being in this type of relationship and supporting her - it's a big learning curve for her and you - so i do hope you're able to forgive yourself. you're only human.

it's hard to push down that urge to reach out, you're love and care for her will still hang around for a while. but at the same time, if you both don't get a chance to work on your individual goals (i.e. working on the codependency), the same issues might keep repeating if you reach out too early? sometimes giving each other space to process things can help you have a more clear-headed convo next time (if you choose to)?

yeah the spark can be hard to get back - but it is possible to get back. she'll find hers again and so will you. can't say when, but you both will. i really admire that you want to work on making choices you're proud of. i believe you will. 💙

Sitting with you @Actualpandora01 .

I hear how hard it is, and I can see she's probably battling just as much as you are.

I can hear how much you care.

Sitting with you.

How are you and your loved one @Actualpandora01 ?

How have things been going for you?

Thanks for checking in.

She doesn't want to be involved with me. She was hurt by me stepping away when things got tough, i shut down and go numb during arguments. And it hurt her too much. She saw my choice to take space and not be around her as evidence that I don't love her. I think it has crushed her. I know my actions are what matter to her and I didn't turn up for her. I'm pretty detestated because I love her but she refuses to believe me based on my actions. And I get why. But it's heartbreaking. I miss her. I just wanted to be there to comfort her when things were hard but I couldn't get comfort and validation right for her. And on the other hand, I miss the warmth of being loved by her. It sucks that my automatic responses and reactions were not right for her, I have so much work to do to undo the bad habits I have formed around managing my emotions. And I just wish I came to her healed, not broken and needing help. I know I'm to blame because she was whole and stable when we got together and I've just dragged her down.

I dunno what to do. I'm trying to let go, she has decided that she doesn't want me. And I understand why. She must be in so much pain. I just worry about her. And I want her to heal and be safe. I know I'm an unhealthy presence that is wrong for her and most of the time I can accept that she is better off without me. But other times I just miss our connection and I fall in a heap. It's happened today and I can't find peace.

Anyway, I hope you are well.

Hey @Actualpandora01 ,

You stepped away as a way to protect yourself. You care very much and she feels deeply. She will not forget you. She will not forget your care.

Whilst it may take her some time to work through this time, maybe you can drop her a message or phone call once in a while in case she wants to connect with you again?

I can see you blame yourself and feel that she was totally okay until you got together with her. One thing I want to say about this is that borderlines are often VERY okay when they are on their own little island. The issues are not with themselves so much, but rather, the interpersonal relationships. Therefore, if she was alone now, she'd also probably be perfectly okay. But as soon as there's more than her on the island, things can go a little haywire.

So please don't blame yourself. It is a learning for both. I can you see how much you care about her. I hope you find what works for you. Dropping her a message here and there can let her know that it's okay for her to reach out to you (if that's what you want).

Here for you.

Dropping her a message feels manipulative on my part. She doesn't respond with any signs that she believes me when I say that I care. She is dismissive and rejects me when I try to show I understand what she is going through. It seems like she wants nothing to do with me after.

I just wish I could help with her pain. It's so hard to see her like this, I can't imagine what she must be feeling. I don't want to close the door on her, i won't. But I think I have let her down enough for her to not reach out. She deserves to feel loved and I'm scared that I have shown her she isn't worthy of the care she needs, that I have been part of validating her belief that she isn't worthy and that she won't reach out to people anymore, that she will stay isolated.

Thank you for the advice. I'll find a way to let her know I'm here. I just want her to survive this.