Setting boundaries with carer family member

Hey there @PeterStrahm ,

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

After reading your post, it sounds like their response was a reactive one.

I wonder if it'll just take some time for it to sink in? Perhaps they have never heard someone set these boundaries and it was therefore a shock to them?

Boundaries are so so so important. It is a way to protect yourself and others. Sometimes, people will continue talking about something because they know they have an audience or someone to hear.

I don't know the ins and outs of the situation, but what do you think?

Also, I'll be sending you an email shortly. Please respond to the email.

Hi @tyme,
Thank you for replying. This family member isn't used to being told 'no'. All their life things have revolved around them and people let them get away with it because we're all scared of their meltdowns. Weirdly enough, they've been relatively nice the last 6 days, which is the longest they've gone without engaging in arguments for years.

@PeterStrahm , did you get the email we sent you earlier? Are you able to respond to the email?

As for this family member, once they come to the point where their behaviour negatively impacts others, then yes, you may have to say 'No' as a way to protect yourself. Consider the impact in the longrun.

When they have 'cooled down', you may want to speak to them openly about why you spoke the way you did.

What do you think?

Hi @tyme,

I finally found the email in my spam folder! I replied just now 🙂

I'm not sure which method better protects myself. On one hand, compliance saves me from their anger. On the other hand, it reinforces that this behavior is acceptable, and they can get away with it. It would be helpful if other members in my family did more to intervene, so I'd feel less like I'm alone in defending myself against them.

I'm worried about them filing a report against my psychologist if I confirm she advised me to say what I said. They've done it for other relative's therapists. I know nothing will come of the report, but I don't want my psychologist to stop seeing me if my family member starts threatening their job.

The 'system' doesn't work that way. They can file the report, but as you mentioned, nothing will come of it. What a person does in a moment of anger and upset is up to them @PeterStrahm .

If you are concerned, then perhaps you can speak to your psychologist? Then again, if a report was written, it is between your family member and the psych, and shouldn't 'involve' you in the discussion - if you know what I mean.

From my own experience, boundaries are just too important. I fully support your actions. Your strength in resisting may encourage others to also do the same. Who knows?

But please look after yourself. If you feel unsafe or when your needs are withheld from you, please contact 000.

Hi there @PeterStrahm , How are you?

Hope you are okay.

Hi @tyme

I hope you're well!

Sorry for the late reply. I'm sick with COVID currently.

My family member has been mostly alright, except a bit agitated today but so far there's been nothing directed at me. I see my psychiatrist on Tuesday, thankfully.

I'm sorry you have COVID. Have you got it bad @PeterStrahm ? I wish you quick recovery and hope it's not too horrible for you.

Have you just been resting up?

I'm really sorry @tyme I thought I replied to this but I must've forgotten to press send. I ended up getting it pretty bad, I had to go on Ventolin and puffers but I'm mostly better now except for a mild cough. I hope you are well.

Arghhh @PeterStrahm . Hope you feel better now. Arghhh, that dreaded COVID. The first time I had it, I really struggled and I felt I was drowning and my lungs felt like it was working at half capacity... then when I got it the next few times, it was better.

Are you still on the puffers?

What else have you been up to lately? I feel I haven't chatted to you in ages.