Life and trauma

Thanks @MJG017 . I'm sitting on my bed doing another colouring now with my gel pens.

@MJG017 whoever said that your thoughts can't hurt you cos they are all in your head has clearly never had my thoughts 😞. I just want to not think or feel for a while, just long enough to rest and recuperate.

@Former-Member

No, thoughts can be the most damaging things, as they stay with us for so long. I hope you can manage to get a rest from the thoughts tonight. Try to do what every you can to get your mind in other things.

@MJG017 I've been trying but I've had to stop cos it's all just too much. The thoughts, the flashbacks, the graphic scenarios playing out. How much can one person take. Every bit of my energy and strength is being put in to keeping myself in the present moment. It's just really starting to take it's toll.

Focusing on one thing at a time and trying to notice every detail about it just to keep myself grounded.

@Former-Member

My first thought is that these thoughts, memories, and flashbacks are just that... they're from the past and can't hurt you any more than they have already... just continuing that old hurt. But i know it probably wouldn't make much different to me either. But i think it would be at least slightly helpful to remember that they are in the past.

If you want to think about something with endless detail. Think about the stuff that always mesmerized me as a child... it still does... the universe! I mean the furthest stars we can see with the naked eye are at the most 16,000 light years away. so if you saw that star, you are seeing it as it was 16,000 years ago. It could have exploded 12,000 years ago, and you'll still be able to go outside and look up at it seeing it twinkle away like nothing happened for another 4,000 years!

And all the stars you can see at night are all in our own galaxy. The nearest galaxy is a very faint blob visible if you're in a dark enough area. It's 2.5 million light years away and is coming right for us! We only have 4.5 billion years. Millions of years before that the sky will be full of vision of it. I mean the earth will fried to a cinder by the sun by then which is a pity, the view will be spectacular. And even when our 2 galaxies collide, with the Milky Way having about 200 million stars and Andromeda containing about a trillion, the chances of two stars colliding are extremely unlikely as the distances between all of those stars is so immense. The vast distances involved just fascinates me. And all this is only our galaxy and it's neighbour. We are in a group of galaxies called the local group. It contains about 100 galaxies, although most of them are small dwarf galaxies. this group is about 10 million Light years across and is only a part of a supercluster which has 1000s of galaxies. And we're still only in our own little local corner of the universe. The universe being a web like structure of filaments of galaxies with mostly empty space inbetween... and all this is just the observable universe thought to be just over 90 billion light years across.

My mind thinks about these numbers and sized and distances and i just can't think of anything else while trying to imagine the unimaginable. Sorry, i've gotten all wordy again. I shouldn't have started on the universe. Once I start, it's hard to shut me up! 😁

@MJG017 yes the flashbacks are from the past but when it's happening i can see and feel it all happening again like I'm there in that moment. The thoughts and graphic scenarios aren't from past events though, they are things I think about and see happening.

I actually just learnt a new grounding technique that somewhat worked at least for a short time. I was chatting to lifeline and this person gave me 4 different categories and I had 2 minutes per one to write down as many things related to each category. It was only short lived but it gave me about 20 minutes of being grounded and keeping myself in the present moment.

The universe truly is amazing and I've definitely learnt alot of new things by reading your post. And whilst reading it, it also keeps me in the present so thankyou. I love looking up at the stars but going outside at night isn't much of an option as I have a rather big bat that likes to annoy me. Yes you read that right, silly neighbours have fruit trees and there's a bat that has made itself quite comfortable with grabbing fruit then dropping it and it's poop through my yard. So at the moment I don't get to go and watch the stars as much as I'd like to. I miss living on the farm and being able to see such a long distance into the sky, it really was beautiful to just stare at the sky and get lost in the moment.

I would never want to shut you up, I enjoy your ranting about random subjects and they are so informative 😊.

@Former-Member

That new grounding technique sounds interesting and like it might be helpful for you, if only for a short time. But it does seem to show what may work better for you in trying to stimulate your mind and maybe that time limit helps you focus on that. So maybe finding more tasks like that. Lake playing that scatagories(?) by yourself, or boggle. Those sort of games where you have a set time to think of things. There are many versions online. It may help when the thoughts are getting on top of you.

I laughed out loud when you mentioned the fruit bat pooping on you yard. Only because it just brought back memories of watching Kingswood Country as a kid. Maybe before your time. He was always complaining about the "bloody fruit bats" pooping in his backyard. It was just funny to hear you channeling your inner 'Ted Bullpit'.

The dark skies living on a farm must have made for some incredible skies! Nothing like what we see in the city or the suburbs. I would have been out there for hours as a kid, just lying on a roof staring up at the skies. Far more then I used to anyway.

Okay okay... no need to twist my arm. One more fun fact about space 😁

Every year, the Moon drifts 3.8 cm away from Earth. In about 600 million years, it will be too far to cause total solar eclipses! See them while they last!

5 billion of our suns could fit inside the largest known star.

There's a planet that orbits its star so closely that a full year (one orbit) lasts just 8.4 hours. This means if you lived there, you'd have 20 birthdays in one Earth week! And its in the constellation of Sagittarius, as is the centre of our galaxy so I like to think it explains why I, as a Sagittarian, am the centre of the universe. 🤣

Yeah yeah. You knew I wasn't going to stop at one! 😁

@MJG017 omg "not the kingswood". I have the Kingswood country DVD collection 😂. Didn't even think of that until you mentioned it, now I'm going to have to re-watch it sometime.

It's not the first time a word game like that has helped so maybe there's something in it. But it doesn't always work so i guess it's hit and miss. But anyway it at least helped in a moment that I needed it to tonight.

I used to sit out there looking up at the stars and crying wishing that the universe would just swallow me up. Yes I was stuck in a very abusive relationship that I nearly lost my life to many times. But I found calmness in the night sky and stars whilst I was surrounded by various animals for comfort.

Oohh more interesting facts. Imagine having 20 birthdays in one week, once a year is enough for me 😂.

Of course you are a Sagittarius and the centre of the universe 😂. I guess you are pretty special so I'll let you have that title 😂.

@Former-Member

I should have a look for some copies of Kingswood Country... I haven't watched it in many years! It was one I look for on DVD back in the day but never found.

For me there was always something that staring up at the stars made my problems go away... while I was looking up at them anyway. It just made everything here feel so insignificantly small and brief. Like staring up was connecting me with something much bigger. I guess if I had one of those "zen" places, that would have been mine.

There is certainly a depressing side of so many birthdays that close together. But I get a free whopper and a free boost juice on my birthday, so I could basically have 3 if each every day! I'd never need to buy a meal again! Apparently San Churros give you free churros on you birthday, so... dessert!

@MJG017 i used to watch it when I was growing up. I'd share my copies with you but you know the whole anonymous thing makes that a bit impossible 😂. I love the old classics. They don't make TV shows like they used to.

Yeah it's so easy to get lost in the moment when staring at the night sky. It's just relaxing and kind of makes everything else feel insignificant, like nothing else in the moment matters.

Trust you to find a positive in it, free meals, drinks and dessert. I'll just take the free boost juice 😂.

My body hates me, cos I haven't slept it's like I'm going to make you have a seizure. I'd sleep if I could, instead I'm lying here wide away playing random games on my phone and chatting to you.