Life and trauma

@Oaktree that's what I was doing, trying to drown out the noise and my thoughts. I've been discharged now so working out how I'm getting home.

Hi @Former-Member, sorry I haven't been around much the past couple of days, but I've just needed some time away from everything. Just to try and stop that feeling of everything closing in around me. Well, enough to at least let a little bit of daylight through.

I've ready through the posts i've missed and i'm sorry that you had such a difficult time and ended up back in the hospital, but hopefully some positives come from it. It's very disappointing that they are discharging you before you feel ready, but modern public health for you.

The amount you've been through, and go through, and you still manage to reach out where ever you can, and most importantly, called 000 when you fell you need to shows such and incredible amount of strength. I know it's sometime hard to see it in ourselves when we're just doing what we think we have it, but you do show such and incredible amount of both strength and resilience. Lean into it, let it help you and you'll be amazed at what you can get through.

And don't worry about crying in front of people. It helps. Yeah, you feel a bit foolish right after, but that's just that voice in you're help trying to convince you that you're not supposed to do it... don't listen to that voice, it will only have you try to deal with everything alone, which never helps. Let yourself get those emotions and frustrations out, especially to people who are best placed to help you. It's so hard, even harder while trying to maintain some sort of out-facing control... just let it out if you feel it wants to. No one will think less of you. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it's a strength! And I know you have plenty of that!

Do they have any kind of free service to get you home? It does seem like there should be. Or do they just assume everyone has someone to come and pick them up? They should have someone like a hospital social worker you could ask to talk to about options, whether it's community transport services or financial assistance.

@MJG017 all good, hope you are doing ok and I'm always here to chat if you need to.

I wasn't ready to come home and I'm feeling like utter crap physically, mentally I'm just exhausted. I'm trying to see it from other people's views that I have that inner strength but from my own perspective I just can't see it. Yeah I called 000 but it was already too late by then, I froze when I should have called them first.

Anyway turns out the new medication that I started sent me into a psychotic episode and that's why things happened. So that's been stopped immediately and I'm not looking forward to the withdrawals from that.

They do organise bus or taxis sometimes but it's not always an option. There's no way I could catch a bus. I managed to get someone to pick me up but no doubt it's going to come at a cost to me. But I'm home and trying to relax, my head hurts and I'm just really hating myself at the moment.

Onwards and upwards maybe?

Hey @Former-Member sending some 💜💖

I'm sorry to hear, it really was the meds sending you into a tailspin? How scary hun!

I know you didn't really wanna come home, but is there comfort to be found in the familiar?

@Jynx thankyou. It was definitely scary, I don't even remember alot of what happened, it's all just a blur.

But the unknown of what could happen next is something that I'm struggling to cope with.

I have to somehow hold myself together, I can't fall apart now, it's not even an option.

Yes being home is somewhat nice but comes with it's own battles.

@Former-Member aye totally, I can imagine it would feel very shaky and uncertain, and would be difficult to find a way to settle your system with this big unknown looming.

Ugh I bet you're pretty sick of honing and leaning on your resilience ay. I wish only softness and ease for you hun. I know you can make it through, I have a lotta faith in you!! ✊😎💜

@Jynx thankyou, that means alot.

The unknown sucks and even more so cos it's something that's happened previously and I'm petrified if history repeating itself.

There is no calming the anxiety over it, like it's physically impossible when your entire world is at stake, my entire reason for existing.

Ugh i just wish I could sleep and at least be well rested to face everything with a clear head. Unfortunately this next part is completely out of my hands and I just have to hope and pray that things work out ok.

@Former-Member just so you know been having a few tech issues - I'm still here with ya, might just take me a bit to respond.

Sounds like you're really just floating through limbo hey. Stressy limbo of doom.

Have you got much to keep your mind focused on?

@Jynx understand, the tech issues are driving me nuts 😂.

It's mainly just my colouring that I've got at the moment, i do have some more painting to do but when I thought about it I started getting worked up over what colours to pick to do it. Stupid brain is just in overdrive.

Being stuck in limbo is the worst, but i got myself into this messed up situation so I have noone to blame but myself.

Trying to work out what my next step is but I can't think straight. Breathing and keeping my heart beating is all that I can do right now.

@Former-Member yep, it's chaos over here 😅 Nah I joke, we make do!

Ach noooo analysis paralysis is the worst even when brain isn't in super panic shut down overdrive mode. Not like flipping a coin could pick out nice colour combos either, rats!

Perhaps the next step is just being gentle and slow until it is time for rest? Sometimes I wish it was easier to just drift off to sleep whenever we wanted hey...