Life and trauma

@MJG017 are you awake at all?

@Former-Member

I just woke up. What's up?

@MJG017 I'm yet to even sleep. I took a tablet at like 10.20 and I'm still awake. The temptation to take more is more than I can handle right now.

@Former-Member

Sorry, its still not working for you. The Dr would have said if taking more was an option so you know how dangerous that would be.

I know you hate calling people, but maybe you could call his office tomorrow for some advice. Although chances are they will just say stick with it for now.

I jonestly dont know how you keep staying awake! Did you used to sleep normally? You'd think pure exhaustion would have you asleep for hours by now. I wish i knew what else to suggest to you.

@MJG017 i don't really care about the dangers at the moment, i just want to sleep. I thought about calling them but whether that happens or not is a different matter.

I used to be asleep by 10pm at the latest.

@Former-Member

I know when im even a little stressed about something that is on.my mind, i really struggle to sleep. It gets to a point where i just can turn my.mind off. When that happens i tend to just give up on sleep and just decide to lay there quietly and just try to rest as much as possible. I try force myself to think about something else... anything else! Sometimes it works, sometimes not. But it passes the time, and i think about so much weird stuff.

Maybe make a post on the forum about the lack of sleep. Maybe someone will have some ideas. Not that there will be many around until the morning.

@MJG017 I've been trying to lay here and just relax but do you think my thoughts will let me think about anything else other than not wanting to be here anymore.

I don't know how I'm supposed to get through this when everything I'm trying isn't working. I can't take it anymore, I just want to make it all stop.

@Former-Member

They're your thoughts, you can control then. Its just finding a way to turn down the anxiety enough to be able to switch the thoughts to something else. Sometimes its damn hard to do though. Its a really hard spot to be in, i know. Would you ever tell anyone else to give up? Of course not, so be kind enough to yourself to not entertain those thoughts.

@MJG017 what's the point anymore. I'm sick of this every damn night, I don't understand why I can't just sleep. I'm awake and having a full on panic attack right now and I'm unable to get through to lifeline. I can't do this alone, I can't fight these thoughts.

@Former-Member

Thats not an easy question for me to answer. I dound myself asking myself the same question about a year ago when I found out the time I had left was now very limited. I asked myself what was the point of keeping the fight up when it was ultimately futile and just sragging the few people who support me down as they watched me struggling, powerless to do anything.

Utimately, i decided the point is just to keep going because the only alternative is even worse and its forever... and forever is a long time.

I thought about me own fight and how hard i was fighting it and the mental and physical toll it was taking on me. I saw it like pulling a heavy cart up a hill. Then i felt what i was doing by being so hard on myself and thinking constantly about all the bad and what the point of continuing to fight was... was that i was adding a lot of heavy stones to this cart. I was making a very difficult task so much harder. This was just after i found here and a few other things that allowed mecto change my thinking, make that cart less heavy, and look for some positives. Which was so hard at the time, but even then I realised that even just not thinking about all the bad was in itself, a positive.

Its not a switch you flick, or something you learn. For me it was struggling through the darkest, hardest time of my life that made me change. I needed to change how i thought about myself. If someone else said the things to me that i thought about myself, it would be mental abuse, so how could i possibly find a better place with such an abusive presence in my life all the time. I decided if i was going to go down, i was going to go down fighting and with myself, not against myself.

I dont know if any of this makes any sense. My head was in a very dark place at the time, but this was how i made sense of itand for the first time in my life, decided i was good enough to fight for!