First steps

Hi @Jynx

Your reply is appreciated. Thankyou.

Still out on a question you asked - 8 years ago would I have made a post like this - probably not because I was working with a counsellor and also being an older waste-of-space I didn't even know that these sorts of places exist. Not sure how long I will be a participant - I ABHOR computers and online such. Don't understand it and would much rather be face-to-face. Phones and online I always imagine everyone laughing at and mocking this old loser.

I have worked out that recovery is definitely not linear, but for me it actually feels like recovery is not the correct word to use - I have not recovered and I am definitely in a darker, lonelier place now than I have ever been before - hence trying this online forum.

Violent sexual assault at age 9.

Absolute denial of my situation for 10+ years (functioned as a shattered mess)

Suicide attempt and police involvement after running away as a teenager.

Simple straight to the point question by a GP blew apart my whole life (40 yrs) yet I still managed to keep it contained.

Had an amazing counsellor for 8 years - thought I had learned at least some stuff that would be useful but now find myself in a place where the stuff I had learned doesn't seem to reach deep enough into the dark downward spiral to shed any light or comfort.

Now, 50+ years on - I am still feeling like there is so much that I need help with and yet time is too short. Have a GP that I talk to, but appointments are limited and hard to come by - especially in a crisis. Have enrolled in an online mental health course (not Sane) and start in Jan. but am already starting to beat myself up for wasting someone else's time which could be directed to someone who may actually learn and grow and heal.

I berate myself constantly that I am a waste of time space and energy.

Where to from here?

@MJG017 Again - thanks.

You have an interesting aspect - good to think about but here is my gut-reaction.

I have yet to find the part of me that says that my experience was not my fault - it was. I made the choices and I did it all by myself. I would love to be able to change that thought process but it is my 'default' (cool way to look at it).

I have reached a point where I have forgiven the perps. and yet I honestly don't believe that I will ever be able to forgive myself. That trauma has wound itself into my very essence - and that is why I am in such a dark lonely place now - in the last 5 years I have had other significant events which on the surface are obviously unrelated to the initial trauma and yet every single one of them has been impacted by that trauma and how I have grown (not the right word - growth is a positive word implying life).

I am seriously hoping that I am looking at my life from a final few years perspective - I'm old tired lonely and dark.

@Freefall Those "default" thoughts can feel so impossible to change, but it is possible. I really hope you can find that eventually and get to spend some time experiencing that forgiveness for yourself that you have given the 'perps'. That in itself shows such an amazing capacity to forgive, which makes it seem even more unfair that you cant find that for yourself.

If we here can keep reminding you that no one derserves that forgiveness more than yourself then I for one am happy to keep doing it. And also to remind you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with using positive terms about yourself. Anyone who hears even the simplest summary of what you've had to deal with throughout your life would be so impressed by your strength and resilence for a start. At the very least hopefully we can make you feel less alone.

@Freefall you know, time n time again, I have found that one of the most important aspects of my own recovery has been about the narratives I use, or if you like, the story I tell myself about myself. So like, when you say you 'haven't recovered' it sounds as though recovery feels like a destination for you, rather than a process. Seeing it as a destination isn't necessarily wrong or anything, but it can set us up to feel like a failure if we don't 'achieve' it. Which also ties into the idea that 'time is too short' - if you set a goal of being 'recovered', it totally would feel very daunting to have this sense of time pressure. Recovery is a super personal journey - there's no one right way to do it! And if this way of thinking is more motivating than shaming for you, then feel free to ignore everything I just said! 😉

You absolutely deserve to feel supported my friend. No matter what, you are never a 'waste of time' for anyone, and accessing support does not take support away from others. There's always more options to explore.

Speaking of, I am not quite sure where to from here - but my suggestion would be either to seek out a counsellor/psych who you feel is a good match for your needs (You can search through these two databases to help you narrow it down - APS, or Psych Today), or maybe seek out some support groups or something in your area?