First steps

Hi @Freefall and welcome to the forums.

I'm really glad that you've found this space and felt able to share some of what you're going through right now. It can be so disheartening when we feel like we've gone backwards in our wellbeing journey, especially when we've put in years of work. I know that so many others here have experienced this too, so please know that you're not alone.

Do you feel able to share a bit more about what support you're looking for on the forums? It could be just a safe space to vent, a place to connect socially, wanting to seeking some guidance from others who have had similar experiences, or looking for some information and resources... How can we best support you through this?

Hi @Shanan79! Just a lil tip, if you want other members to be notified that you've responded, you can tag them - use the @ symbol and a drop down will appear, and you can choose their name. If their name isn't there, you can type it out and it should then appear for you to select, then it will show up in blue, like this: @Freefall

@Freefall just wondering if you've heard folks in MH circles use the phrase 'Recovery isn't linear'? This is what they're talking about. It's a HUGELY common experience to feel like we've slipped backwards, regressed, or are back at square one, whenever something like this happens. And maybe it does feel like all the skills and learnings you've developed over the years are suddenly useless - but usually that's more to do with how much emotional turmoil we're experiencing, rather than actual regression.

Our brains run on habit - and even though we might have replaced the unhealthy habits with new ones, if something pushes us past our capacity to cope our brains can sometimes 'default' to what's familiar. There's nothing wrong with you, nor are you experiencing anything that's unusual. Even if it feels like you're back at square one, I guarantee that you have definitely changed in the last 8 years!! The person you are now is different to who you were then - can you already think of some ways you may be handling stuff differently now? For instance, would you have made a post like this 8 years ago?

Hi and thanks for replying. I am very aware that my experiences are not dis-similar to those of others but they are unique and at the moment I am not comfortable going into any depth. I am not so much looking for people to respond to what I have posted (atm I am in a very closed off dark place and just want to hide). Rather I would like to know how I can talk to someone who can counsel me as the need arises? Is this possible?

Sorry if I sound rude and abrupt, but I am really hurting right now.

Not rude at all @Freefall and in fact, I appreciate you being firm and communicating your current needs.

Have you looked into SANE's Guided Recovery? If that much structure isn't what you're after (i.e. you would prefer more in-the-moment support) the Support Line is always an option - 1800 187 263 Mon-Fri, 10am-10pm.

Do you want the space to be able to vent, be held, and feel heard and understood, or are you more looking for someone to help you unpack/build new skills/build resilience and introspection etc etc?

No pressure to respond either! Protect your energy however you need to 😊

Hi @Freefall

Please don't worry about 'messing things up' or 'sounding rude or abrupt'. It takes a lot just to reach out and share what you're felling and it's clear you are in such a dark and painful place. I know that feeling of finding ourselves back at square one (or even worse), but it's also important to remember that we are never really back at square one. All the work you have done over the past 8 years has not been for nothing, and you would have learned a lot.. things that work, things that dont. So although you feel you are back to the start right now, and i'm not dismissing that, but just saying that you may be back to where you were 8 years ago but this time armed with 8 years of experience which places you in a much better position now than you were before. I know it probably doesnt feel that way right now because those big backward steps can feel so incredible disheartening but it's usually a long process filled with ups and definitely downs!

For me anyway, a key part has been having places like this where I can just share what's on my mind and how I feel. Even just getting them out of my head and sharing them with people helps me to understand myself better. So I've found it's not always about the responses, but just reaching out to people willing to listen and 'be there' with me. Sometimes in our darkest moments, there is nothing anyone can say to make things better. This year that has been a big lesson for me. Sometimes we just need someone to listen and make us feel less alone and less invisible. And sometimes that helps more than anything.

So all i can say to you is to take your time, reach out where ever and how ever you feel comfortable and dont take those backward steps as failures... they're just that... backward steps. It's just sometimes there are some big ones. It takes a lot of strength to reach out, especially when in such a dark place. So use that strength you have shown already and that progress and things you've learned over the past 8 years to get yourself back heading in the right direction again. And as for how this forum works... I would just say how ever you need it to. We're here to support how ever we can, even if that is just to make you feel less alone.

@MJG017 Thanks for your reply, and hope you can be 'there' for a short time - wherever 'there' is.

I experienced a violent sexual assault as a 9 year old and from that point on I have judged myself 'guilty'. I see the whole trauma as a result of my decisions, my pride, and therefore my fault. No I didn't ask for what happened to happen, but it happened as a result of my spur-of-the-moment decisions/actions. It has been my constant companion for 50+ years - and although the few (and all medical professionals) people that I have talked to have all said the same thing - it wasn't your fault /you were a child /the adults involved are the guilty ones here ... blah blah blah ... I have what I call my BIG BUTT. Logically I can see that it wasn't my fault, yet here I am still with this BUT ... I MADE THOSE CHOICES ALL BY MYSELF. And despite working with a brilliant counsellor over a period of years, that is one thing that I have not been able to budge at all.

That is why I describe my experience as basement levels of rock bottom. Now it is not only that trauma but a few other emotional bombs which have pushed me down to places below where I ever thought I would be able to survive. Tsunamis with no prior indication that they were even on the horizon, let alone about to re-shatter an already broken, scared, shamed and self-loathing thing (person doesn't seem to be the right word to describe myself).

Right now I have a very supportive GP and am going to do a free course with a government department in the new year, BUT I still feel so alone and lonely all the time. I can't really go into too much detail - one because of my shame and self-loathing and two - because my ability to express myself is pathetic. I don't think that I could handle long-term counselling - telling my story once was once too much - so for now I talk a bit to my GP but unfortunately he is a pretty popular GP so it is hard to get appointments quickly (although he has been amazingly accommodating and gives me time in his lunchbreaks etc. when he can) and although I really want/need to talk about some of the flow-on of the filth that is my life, I feel really bad taking up his time. I think that deep down I really do not believe that I am able to be lifted out of the stench that is my life. Sure there are some good memories - but they are not honest memories because I feel like the whole of my life since that one soul-shattering life-changing trauma so long ago has been built on lies and deception - and now, here I am in the twilight of my life wondering why and how. So hurt so low so tired so alone so lonely and so sick of my disgusting self.

@Ru-bee thanks for your reply.

I honestly don't know what I want or need. I am really retarded in my ability to express my true self and real feelings. Just sent a reply to @MJG017 which said about as much as I can say.

I definitely don't feel worthy of support or friendship - I am in this position because of my own choices and know that there are so many other hurting people who are able to respond to loving concern - I am an insignificant tiny island that is constantly being drowned by the waves of the sea. I always feel like it's a constant battle to keep my head above water - my island is often submerged by the stormy seas and I am exhausted all the time at the moment - physically and emotionally.

Hi @Freefall

I obviously struggle to relate to what you've been through and how it makes you feel, but I do understand that feeling of blaming and hating a part of ourselves that we see as responsible for things that happened, or didn't happen in our lives. Even though there is a part of us that knows it wasn't our fault, it can just simpler to blame and punish ourselves because we are the ones living with the results.

So I wont tell you not to blame yourself, as I'm sure you've heard that so many times before. But after some major health issues the past couple of years and facing certain new realities in my life, I've changed my thinking on it a bit. Maybe it's not so much about fault after so long, but forgiving yourself. 50 years of punishment for some decisions/action which led to such a horribly traumatic event just feels like it's been long enough.

Often we forgive other people for ourselves and our own peace rather than the person we are forgiving. So I just wonder if after 50 years it is time to start to forgive yourself and maybe if you can do that the true source of the blame and guilt will feel clearer to you.

Like I said, I can't tell you how to feel about something so terrible you experienced, but just share an outlook from someone who has blamed himself for over 50 years for a lot of decisions as well... and that is you don't want to wait until you're facing the final few years of your life to forgive yourself and find some peace with the past. 50 years of blame is more than enough for anyone, let alone ourselves.

It's not about fixing things, just lightening that weight we carry a little bit. I just though i'd share that with you. Maybe it helps a little, maybe not.