Controlling and Mental Illness

Hi everyone .... 😊💕

My hubby's mi is and eating disorder, and these are based on control issues ....

Here's my essay ....

Without being able to secure a diagnosis over him as he is in denial that it is an eating disorder - his take is that it is a supremely healthy lifestyle choice with a personal vice thrown in - the main advice I was given by support services was to learn as much about e.d.'s as I could. That was imperative to understanding what he was going through, and what was blinding, or binding him.

Second level of understanding was becoming familiar with the Stages of Change model. This helped me to understand the path of progression he is on, and although it's possible for e.d.'s to last a lifetime, I now believe that the stage of denial doesn't last that whole time. My understanding is that the sufferer reaches the point of understanding that they are ill .... but whether they are prepared to seek help, follow advice, accept support, and struggle towards recovery is another thing. That's the part that can last a lifetime .....

What is obvious to me in our situation is that the mi amplified aspects of my hubby's personality or nature that were already present ... control issues being a part of that. When you look at the pre-emotive conditions that exist in the development of an e.d.it becomes very clear what those influences are and how they developed. It is probably wise to add in here that it's nobody's fault per se ... although there were choices made as he grew up that shaped him in this direction, which is why educating society about these influences is so important.

Some of those influences contribute towards other mi's .... perhaps not specific to e.d.'s, such as a child being made to assume an adult role and shoulder responsibilities they are not mature enough, grounded enough to cope with .... the consequences of those responsibilities is the real weight on their too-young shoulders. There are many examples of this ... children growing up in abuse situations .... in our case it was emotional damage from wartime trauma in the parents and grandparents, and the effect that had on the next generation, who suffered displacement as well.

While we had addressed some of these issues, particularly control issues, within our marriage, not only did the mi (which I hadn't recognised as such in its former form) amplify pre-existing personality traits, it also drew him back into the mindset of HS childhood programming, undoing a lot of the relationship work we had done during our courtship and early marriage.

This has left me feeling betrayed, and that I hardly know him anymore. The next piece of counselling advice is just as critical .... that the husband I know and love is still in their somewhere, and the recovery process will involve him trying to fight his way back out of the mess the mi has created all over us.

Another hard part of that is that his birth family values are supporting the mi .... MIL in particular, but siblings also, regard the resulting body image as ideal, and the "self-control" as an excellent virtue .... therefore supporting the e.d. and aspiring to follow his example. In a strange sense it is having a positive effect of inspiring others to take their health and welfare more seriously, and family and friends are losing weight through lifestyle changes .... that is a very positive thing .... but most are not privy to how extreme my hubby's regimen is, and if they were they would likely recognise that it's an issue. If they were aware of the c / s "vice" .... well .... I think that one announces loud and clear that there are emotional problems ruling him ... that behaviour is the one with the greatest power to unmask him. It demonstrates that the mi is actually controlling him.

Learning what I have has taught me that education and support for the families and carers of mi sufferers is so important. Unfortunately in our state, we can only access this support when a diagnosis has been made ... an of course hubby is in denial and masking the symptoms and behaviours - the mindset in particular - that would allow diagnosis to happen. Over-riding him will shatter our relationships.

Hi @Shaz51

My special friend. I need to get off SAne Forums and do my novel now but I wanted to say hello to you first.

@Shaz51 just live your life. Get involved with yourself. If you need to clean the kitchen, do it. Do things for yourself. If you want to go to a cafe, go. Live your life.

Your the one who is getting to know you and whatever happens, happens. Does your step children go to the cafe with you ? My son, my 22 year old son comes to cafes with me once per week. I've also noticed that my husband get territorial when we are at his Dad's place....it makes me want to laugh but I just live my own life now................

PP

@Faith-and-Hope...

You have written about my mother's family. I needed all that support. My Grandmother had a black hole in her chest from the war effects. Gee, you have written so well and you write about your love for your husband too.

1. Essays are good.

2.This is what you write: can you tell me if I am right?

his family enable him.

as you get older, all that work you both did is lost because his MI is getting set in him.

but his work that you and him do is also a light to thers.

Thanks for that recap @PeppiPatty .... ❣

Yes, they are the take-home messages in what I wrote. You are very good at putting things into a nutshell ....

Also what you are saying to @Shaz51 is so important .... when you are in a relationship with someone controlling, you need to stop and work out what you are and are not prepared to accept as boundaries on the controlling attitudes and behaviours, and set your own boundaries.

that doesn't mean you need to have major brawls over it. You can just quietly extend in the directions that you need to, and just keep saying "this is something I need for my own health and well-being, otherwise I will become unwell and you will be having to look after me !"

Controlling people don't like being nurse-maids. A lot of their behaviour is centred in trying to make other people nurse-maids to them. It's just another way of trying to communicate their wants and needs, but it's not the best way ....

Keep working on communication skills, and modelling how to ask for what you want or need with dignity and respect.

❤️

Dear @Faith-and-Hope

It's certainly something that me and Mr PeppiPatty work with all the time in that:

Carer vs lover.

Not making a diagnosis the topic of conversation.

Giveing each other rest.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope for writing that......

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

I am learning so much here - it is enlightening - I guess I was not a tolerant person - but then - I was frustrated with my ex-husband's laziness and failure to react to the childhood accidents kids always have - and a couple of times - me - eg - I was having a miscarriage and he wondered why I needed to go to hospital

It's amazing - this can p^ss me off to this day - the failure to react to an emergency I mean - esp with the children -

But I think maybe he was depressed - or in a relationship way over his head - but still - his mother said he would never change and I haven't spoken to him for over 20 years - but still

One of the things I read on the internet about arthro ED is they have a sense of moral superiority and what you have written about - WH believes he is setting other people a positive example that his self control will instil others to take better care of their health and well-being

I would like to say someone would cause me to watch my habits more - but I think I am eating a good diet anyway and I guess a lot of people feel that way

It is really marvellous the way you cope with this - but then you feel betrayed - you have lost the man you loved and married - though you still believe he's in there somewhere

The positive attitude that rubs of rather is your patience and self-control and hope in this situation - your example

I still wonder about my ex - if he had depression it would explain his laziness and morose nature - I didn't know and I can't go back and change that

But thanks for all this info

Dec

@Decadian .... I think we can only work with what we have and what we know in the moment ....

Learning about e.d.'s and precursors events / conditions / behaviours ..... it is clear to me now that WH had an e.d. and therefore an mi long before now. Looking back over his childhood photos his weight fluctuated between been overweight and being skinny .... and other members of his family too, although for some of them the overweight didn't happen until much later .... but the cycles were already in place .... the dysfunctional food issues of excess and deprivation, being reward-bound, idolisation of thinness as opposed to healthiness or rather mistaking one for the other .... crash-dieting rituals ....

His former e.d. was the BED form which took no effort to maintain .... and what I thought was a high work ethic was actually workaholism, which served our business and our family finances very well, but took a toll on the relationships .... but still ... at the time we thought that was the way it had to be for the survival of our business within a savage industry. His efforts were admirable, but at what cost now ? It is also clear that that industry attracts and rewards workaholism .... which is now recognised as an OCD behaviour ....

But new research, conducted by the same team at the University of Bergen, finds that a workaholic may also be more likely to show signs of psychiatric disorders like OCD, ADHD, anxiety, and depression compared to non-workaholics. ... You work in order to reduce feelings of guilt, anxiety, helplessness or depression.May 26, 2016

http://www.medicaldaily.com/workaholic-ocd-psychiatric-disorders-387895

The same sort of emotional struggles underlie e.d.'s .... guilt, anxiety, helplessness, depression .... so it's not too hard to see where the workaholism flowed over into the e.d. And transformed it into its current hybrid state.

Whether your ex husband suffered depression or not, you were unaware at the time, and probably wouldn't at that stage have known what to do about it anyway, or so much progression has been made in that field that his symptoms at the time would likely not have identified him as such.

Have you had any thought to look him up and find out how he fared ? You don't have to answer that .... it s'just a thought if you were wondering whether he struggled with depression. Do you have any mutual acquaintances who would be able to tell you anything about him ? You can wish him well in any case. You were doin all you knew how to do at the time, as was I. We can't carry guilt forward over something we didn't recognise or was beyond our ability to cope with.

Some by-gones have to be left as by-gones .....

@Decadian

Yes, It was 6th Feb, 1996 I left my first hueband and held two small children under each arm and left. Since he refused to leave the home (mine) I went to a refuge. When IWas in there, I was confronted with women scarred, bruised beyond my belief....I walked out and went to see my lawyer the next day.

I often wonder if it could have been different. He hit me on the back 4 months after we met. I laughed when he couldnt find that little tiny screw in his stereo....remember those?? He whacked me on the back and because it was at his Parents place, they both spent the next couple of hours working out if I deserved it or not............

WE need to look forward. We have nothing what we could imagine those years ago. Our lives are so much better.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope

Hello to my wonderful friends @Determined, @Former-Member, @Decadian, @Faith-and-Hope, and my special close friend @PeppiPatty

Sorry I didn`t get back to writting this mornig @Determined

I have just read all your wonderful messages , and i am soo happy to have such great friends

Firstly remind me not to get sick again - ha ha

Mr Shaz is a perfectionist in work and what else he does , he hates changes

soo last week when i was sick , he seem to be totally lost

@Former-Member, Mr Shaz broke a mower, broke things during the week and tried fixing them

So mr shaz fell asleep at 10 am this morning , when he woke up , i said are you ok

he said he was soo worried about me , so he is happy I am up and doing everything again

you are right WE need to look forward

And you are right - life in general does throw up challenges and we can get that two steps forward one step back thing happening -- this is so true @Decadian, @Former-Member, like today we have lost one of our regular jobs and mr shaz is not feeling so good tonight

even though I am telling him everything will be ok

oh I totally agree with what you have said @Determined, @Faith-and-Hope, @PeppiPatty

and Peppi is right @Shaz51.. that you can do a few fancy steps with MR SHAZ the kids &

a two step on your own .. if you fancy .. lol