Affection and Attachment Withdrawals after Breakup

@Kares102 I think it can be quite difficult to strike that balance between 'this is a reason' and 'this is an excuse'. I think it comes down to how you hold yourself accountable. There's a massive difference hearing "Hey, I know I did xyz, and it really hurt you. Unfortunately it is part of my BPD/mental health/etc, so whilst it is something I am working on, it may happen again. Please let me know if there's anything I can do to reduce the impact." vs hearing like... "Hey I know I did xyz, and it's just part of my BPD so you just need to get used to it."

Hey don't be too hard on yourself!! Accessing past memories in a more 'felt sense' kinda way can be difficult even when we're not also inundated with Very Big Feelings. Like... I usually need to be doing meditation or mindfulness to be able to access other states of consciousness - would be really hard if you're already feeling pretty dysregulated. I can totally understand how this would compound that sense of grief for you - but maybe it is more that the grief is overwhelming the ability to tap into those feelings?

I remember my last big breakup - it took me months to be able to remember my ex more fondly, and start to get that understanding of why the relationship had to end. Then took even longer than that to get past the resentment and start to see the ways the relationship was still a good part of my life that taught me a lot, even though it was over.

It's only been a week? Early days hun. It SUCKS. But it's also okay to be exactly where you are 💜

@Jynx it really doesn’t feel like it’s okay to be here at all…

I’ve been laying in bed for hours, doing nothing, without anybody who seems to want to message or hang out. I’ve had almost nothing that feels even remotely interesting, and it’s only gotten worse since yesterday.

I stagnated for three years, and now the relationship is over, I’m even further behind than I was with her - I’ve got no personal identity, nothing I can bear to do, and no friends that I have any deep connection with.

I really am trying self kindness, but it’s so difficult when I see nothing in me but regression, isolation, and stagnation.

I think anyone who told me they're 100% okay after the end of a three year relationship would strike me as either lying, or I'd suspect they might have psychopathic or narcissistic tendencies @Kares102. Which is a generalisation mind you, there's always exceptions and nuance but... the point is that you're in the midst of grief.

A relationship that long is also bound to become intertwined with our identity and sense of self too. Particularly if it wasn't a securely attached relationship - for instance, if there was any co-dependency or enmeshment it can feel like we didn't just lose them, we lost ourselves too.

Grief is powerful, and needs to be felt... as painful as it is. Stuff like your identity, your other relationships - they're things you can work on! But it's also harder to do that while we're still grieving. Have you ever heard of Griefline? They might be worth a call, it can make such a difference to be heard and have our feelings validated, and they might help you to understand a bit more about how you can process these super heavy emotions.