So tired of the constant struggle

@Chris

Hello Chris,

Tired huh? It's so hard to be isolated in your home with a partner who does'nt communicate. I know for me, that if I have been isolated by someone the triggered reaction is then to isolate myself even more. This doe not serve well. It could be he feels isolated too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/11/supportive-depression-what-to-say_n_5760916.html

Above is a link to a wonderful article that provides 7 tips on what a person can say to another to make them feel less isolated.

The illness itself is extremely draining and putting effective effort into life stuff is as well.

The funny thing is, that though we may go a little acute and nutsy at times we never seem to run out of breath. Even those times of selfharm and dissociation we recover our basic level of energy quickly.

I think that it is because of this and the fact we have a natural empathy that we take on support roles no matter how tired it makes us.

And though we do get tired it is a measure of our humanity that we always seem to make ourselves available to others.

And this is what you are doing. You are keeping the spectre away from the doors of the people you care about.

Remember this is noble and good. You are good and noble.

The balancing act is to seek and accept similar supports for yourself. You need it, you deserve it and it is a neccessary commodity for every person.

Self kindness is a real trick but a valuable one. And it's ok to have a blow out now and then. It's wise to go to a river and stand in the flowing coolness and be in touch with the natural heatbeat.

You obviously push past your illness regualrly. It would appear that you continue to hope. If this was not the case you would never speak to a soul.

Please be proud of yourself, your ability to care, your willingness to do so and the expert knowledge you've attained through living successfully with a MI.

this is more than many "well" people can ever say.

These are just observations drawn from your posts over time. But I do think that this is really you.

with every breath we keep alive the notion that

Hope endures

Rick

First let me say thank you for the encouraging words.We have been away this weekend,and it was very hectic. We toook our 10yr old granson with us and our oldest son and wife, and daughter(aged 12) visited us on saturday.We wanted our grandaughter to stay the night, but her parents wouldnt let her, as she normally wont stay anywhere. Then end up having to go and get her.She wanted to stay, but they said no. I was really angry with them.Basically putting the idea in her head she wouldnt stay, and get so worked up she would make herself sick.Her mother has a severe anxiety disorder(which she wont get treatment for), and this is being projected on to her you had seen the look of sadness and disappointment on this child's face when she got in the car know that realistically I cant do much. I just feel like my hands are tied to do anything.

Anyway, we got home and son number three was here with his two young girls aged 5 and 3 to see them but just tired. Monday full day of dbt that's always draining.There always something good to come out of it though.Daughter is going interstate Wednesday, so Lars will be back with us till at least Friday.Friday my son wants me to go with him to a play centre with the girls.They can play we can talk, his words.We havent had a good catch up for a while. Oh my life feels like a soap opera If its not one thing its another.

As far as my mood goes I am oh so tired. Anxiety is back,mainly at night One episode of waking up in a panic attack.I do feel stop the world I want to get off.I'm not suicidal, just overwhelmed by everything that's been going on for the last few weeks.On the up side, I haven't self medicated at all this week.What happens is I feel overwhelmed, and I just want to sleep. I don't want to think or feel. I want some relief.

So that's where I'm at, at the moment..

Thank you for this forum and the wisdom that comes from it.

I feel abandoned by my entire family since my dad passed away, and feel like a burden to my 3 friends and loving partner. I have never had children and particuarly feel abandoned by my mother in my childhood. I isolate and self medicate when I can. I don't have an income nowadays and can not concentrate enough to put up applications. Getting a job in my chosen career might even be beyond me since my redundancy 2 yrs ago and a recent project has left me feeling broken. My medication per month is circa $200.00 alone.

I feel like going to the streets, no phone, no contact, just let nature take it cause. Die or be saved. Gives me a fighting chance to turn the switch to live or die.

Gratias

hi kasintiayak

Oh my, you sound very depressed. Sometimes I think the worse we feel the more we isolate ourselves. Im sure many people on this forum can relate to how you feel, I think your friends and your partner would be feeling concerned for you and NOT a burden at all. Do you have a good Dr and Psychologist you can talk to?.

In regard to your medication costs if you are on a health benefit card, once you reach the threshold(sorry I don't know what it is) your medication is free. Be sure to use the same chemist so they have a record,or and ask them for a card which they attach the cost sticker to. Hope that makes sense,if not ask chemist about it.

Believe me when I say people care I Care your friends care your partner cares.. I think it would be good if you make contact with your Dr and or Psychologist tomorrow, and let me know how you get on.

Dear @kas

I haven't "seen " you around the forum before - so a warm welcome! An d if I've missed your first post elsewhere then please acccept my apologies for my tardiness.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much at the moment. What you describe is very painful stuff. Families do sometimes disintegrate after the death of a loved one - I call the person whose death precipitates this the "family glue" - the one who keeps the family connected. I saw something like this happen after my paternal grandmother died 12 years ago. I even tried to fill her shoes somewhat but it was impossible.

How long ago did your dad die?

You sound very lonely and depressed, no wonder you are feeling like hitting the streets. Please don't do that. I can tell you first hand how frightening and worrying that is for anyone who cares about you, and it sounds like you have a partner and friends who care. I can also say confidently that we care - as Chris has already said.

As another forum member @Rick says - hope endures...

and this is grace.

Kindest regards,

Kristin

@NikNik or @CherryBomb (whoever's on this evening) can you suggest some help-lines for kas please?

Thanks @kristin

Welcome @kas , to the Forums.

It takes a lot of courage to step forward to share your experiences. It's a huge step, so you should be proud of yourself.

To reiterate what the others have said, we care & we're here. There are also support services that are available 24/7 if you wish to chat:

Lifeline 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000

Both Lifeline and Suicide call back service have online counselling, if that's a preferred means of communication.

@Chris asked some great questions about your current situation with treatment - do you have a Dr or psychologist you can speak with? Chris also provided some great practical advice about medicaiton costs. Does anyone have any additional information about this?

Dear @Chris,

Thank you for your kind words of support while you are suffering anguish. Yes I have a good doctor as at 48yrs I have chronic illnesses also. My doctor has a soft spot for me and I struggle to open up to my own personal struggles with him in fear of letting him down. In saying that, I have made an appointment to see him Friday with my partner who will support me to speak openly. I have enquired about my health insurance coverage for access to private medical inpatient treatment which I need a referral to see an authorised physiologist.

I can’t claim medical costs because I live with my partner we do not meet the criteria for assistance. I know people care and thank you again however I fail to reach out mostly. Get caught up in guilt and feelings of unworthiness and failures.

Dear @Kristin,

Thank you also for your response. No need for apologises as this was my first post and I related to Chris and the words “So tired of the constant struggle”. This is how I feel. Interesting as I am Daddy’s lil girl, baby of the family of brothers and with a spiritual connection and strength. My spiritual connection, it’s just not there these days and I have this little terrified girl running my emotions. I could deliver the eulogy and put on a face. My father passed away on ank my birthday June 2014. One thing I am thankful for is that I always went home for my birthday and in doing so this year, I was able to be with my dad while he was still lucid

I have read a lot in this forum and want to thank you Kristin for your contributions and there is some poetry I read that resinates with me. In particular the poem starting “Every day is war to me”.

And @Nik Nik,

Thank your words of encouragement. I am sure many of you can relate to how good it feels to share deep troubles with others who are on the brink. I am actively seeking help this week.

I am not eating, have not nightmares but very vivid and dreams that make me feel like I have been at war or struggle all night long.

I find it hard to focus on positive. I have this hurt lil girl who runs wild with my emotions which overrule me. Somehow I need to connect with her and love her and nurture her and make sure she knows she is safe.

Apart from that, thank you for your acceptance.

Intelligi….:)