No support groups for single people?

@tyme

I have already explained myself, I AM TRYING and I keep getting the same responses.

"You have been working hard on this for ten years with no support and no one has provided you with any clear direction. What are you going to do to change it".

"You just have to accept that you are going to die alone and no one will ever love you" A LITERAL THING THAT WAS SAID TO ME BY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL.

"SANE - we're people like you except when you struggle with finding a relationship then we are fresh out of ideas".

That's why I am here, I am trying new things. I have started new groups, I have tried to employ a fresh new attitude, I have tried leaning into hobbies and building on that, I have tried working on my career, I have tried eating differently, I have tried mindfulness, I have tried so many new things but apparently thats not enough for anyone.

I am done with this planet, absolutely fed up with everyone on it. I dont plan to be around much longer. Once this term is over I am done. humanity is already doomed as it is so I might as well get an earlier train anyway

Hey mate @Former-Member . No one said you weren't trying. It's about trying something different. And if that different doesn't work, go for something else.

If you want to work on your social skills, there's a community of people here on the forums chatting away. Feel free to join them and work on communication skills etc that you can then take into the real world.

It's not about us being out of ideas, it's about being out of ideas for you to run with.

Hi @Former-Member

I can definitely hear that frustration and pain from you. I've talked about my own experiences before so I do understand that feeling of hopelessness and destined for being single forever.... even the pain and anger it brings. It's one if the hardest things in life to deal with when its something you're desperately trying to find while everybody around you seems to find it as easy as getting a cup of coffee. So I'm not denying how hard you've tried or hard this is on you. Just throwing out any ideas i can think of.

So maybe coming at it from another direction... what do you think are the main issues in the way of finding someone? Maybe we could talk about those and work on them.

Don't think of those efforts of starting your own groups as wasted effort. Its not an easy thing to do. Sometimes the timing isn't right or it just didnt work out for any number of reasons. The main takeaway is that it took a lot of strength and courage to do in the first place. So continue to use that to keep going.

So your pain and frustration is very valid and understandable and I do get it. Yes, I have a partner now, but im fully aware of how lucky i got. But i lived with what you are dealing with for the 25years beforehand. So if you want to chat to someone who knows what its like, then im happy to do that. No one deserves to be alone, and sometimes just talking it through and hearing from other people rather than only those self doubts and frustrations in our own heads can help a lot. Im here if you feel it will help.

@Former-Member

Just because a medical professional said those things, doesnt make them true. I had a psychologist tell me i was making her feel bad because i kept coming but i wasnt improving enough! Screw those people! They read some books, passed some tests... it doesnt mean they have any understanding of what some people go through!

The could have easily said the same thing to me when i was 30... and they would have been right for the next 13 years as well, but eventually i proved them wrong. Just dont let what some idiot with a degree make you believe that is the only possibility.

The problem with this is its not always about the ideas... timing, luck, right spot - right time.... theres so many factors that you just never know. it doesnt mean your ideas are bad or wrong, just that it just didnt work those times.

I know it can feel impossible and like giving up is the only option. Maybe you do need to do that for a break. Maybe you just need to focus on yourself for a little while. If you feel the need to shout at the world right now then start shouting! Sometimes it all you have the strength left to do. But always remember its never impossible. Yes some of us find it harder that most people. Some of us find it a LOT harder than most people! But its never impossible. As much as that feels like the only way to see it a lot of the time.

@MJG017

I appreciate the message I honestly dont really know what I am doing wrong, I think it is more around what I could be doing right that gets in the way.

If were to meet me in real life, you would find that I am quite well spoken and quite sociable. I am not great in big groups but in small groups or one-on-one I am pretty good at holding conversations. I think the main issue has probably been that I treat a date like two friends catching up rather than an actual date. It's this weird balancing act that I find is totally unclear where they want you to take things slowly but also be really assertive at the same time. Both of those things are in conflict and can only be negotiated with clear communication, something that isn't done well in the 21st century.

Now, I tend to be very clear and upfront from the get-go about my expectations because I think that is important. I tend to state that I can be a little awkward initially but overtime will get more comfortable. I have found that doesn't really work at all. I have even tried to do some nice things for them like buy them their favourite dessert before we meet to show that I have been listening to them as we have been talking. I have even practiced my assertiveness to be better at expression but it keeps falling on its head.

What people never say or admit is how much of dating is luck. I think thats why it gets to their heads a little bit when they try to give you advice because they dont realise it themselves.

There is a crisis of confidence in men in the 21st century that our society refuses to acknowledge or admit to. Its this reason that affects how men are perceived in the dating world so quiet introverted men like me get pushed to the periphery and are not seen as having any utility whatsoever. I honestly think its why we are seeing so many young men moving to the right on the political spectrum because the right is the only side of the spectrum that is (nominally) saying anything related to mens health. I sincerely dont believe the right gives a damn about mens health but it shows just how barren mens support is that men will go to anyone just for that superficial feeling of feeling supported.

@Former-Member

What you wrote in those first two paragraphs, could have been written about me as well! I never had any idea what I was doing wrong and felt the same about being better in small groups than larger groups where I tend to just disappear into the background. After I tried dating for the first time when I was 41 I felt the same problem that I was treating the date like 2 friends catching up rather than an actual date. The problem was I had no idea what an actual date looked like or what I was supposed to do differently. I was just happy to meet them, sit down and get to know each other. In my 3 attempts, it never got past the 2nd date. I knew I probably had to step up and take some initiative to push past that 'friendly chat' phase, but with a life time of low self-esteem and introversion I knew I just would never have the confidence to do it.

I think you being up front about yourself is incredibly brave and takes a lot of courage... certainly more than I ever had. I felt my 2nd date with my now partner was going the exact same way and I left for home thinking I'd messed it up again but this time I was done! I couldn't change, so I was doomed to keep repeating this pattern so there was no point continuing. It was only through talking to one of my friends I'd made on that loneliness forum after that 2nd date who convinced (well, more like blackmailed) me into sending my date a message to say that I enjoyed the date. And I finally managed to get that 3rd date at last. The difference now was though that she was enough like me, that she understood why I was like I was, enough to decide to take a chance and initiate that 'escalation' herself. I still feel bad about being that way I am that forced her to do that, but we joke about it now. My point is, I didn't really do anything wrong with the first 3 women. I did what I was capable and confident enough to do, and that wasn't enough for them. But eventually someone understood me and like those positives about me that others had overlooked. So it turned out that I wasn't doing too much wrong, just that I didn't appeal to many women with such low confidence and being so introverted. If I had to change myself too much to have more success with these women (assuming I could do that) would it have worked out anyway? Probably not.

Dating is totally about luck! If you have a lot of attractive attributes, physical and personality wise, then those odds go up exponentially. If you're less confident, more introverted, and all those other things that seem to be seen as unattractive in a partner then those odds go the opposite way... fast! It doesn't mean those women aren't out there but its going to take work, persistence, and yes... some some luck to find them. It's hard, it's frustrating, it's painful, and it's is damn lonely... but if it pays off, it's life changing.

There certainly is a massive issue in society today with men's mental health. Of course there are issues with everyone's mental health but that stats would suggest that more and more men are struggling badly. There has always been a lot of pressure on males to be strong, confident, and be able to 'shrug off' anything mentally and just 'get on with things'. We can be our own worst enemies with this, because we do feel that pressure not to seek help and deal with stuff on our own. It probably explains the domination in the suicide statistics for men... 75% i believe. But none of this means it's impossible to find a partner... just harder. Probably far harder than it needs to be, but that's just how it seems to be. So I guess i'm just suggesting that maybe it's not you who needs to change very much, but just the people you date who don't appreciate your many strengths that needs to change.

@MJG017

I think the fact that you have that conversation about suicide in men and yet nothing seems to be done about it in society is so frustrating. Everyone knows that statistic and yet nothing ever changes. I honestly think the pressure of being strong, have all your stuff together, and not let things get you down is a big part why men struggle so much in the dating scene. Not everyone is great on a first date but it seems we are too impatient to see what will happen beyond to let anything serious grow.

I think my confidence has improved exponentially over the past few years but I think the standards women are looking for as increased to. I remember seeing a statistic that says that women only really date around 30% of all men which means there is a lot of men who dont ever get the opportunity to demonstrate their worth.

I know that I am probably not doing anything wrong but I wish I knew more on what I could be doing right. Others are never going to change so what can I do to get better?

@Former-MemberA lot seem to be said about mens mental health, and mental health in general, but very little seems to change. We get some awareness with things like Movember but there is so much work that needs doing! I did an ASIST (applied suicide intervention skills training) workshop earlier this year and the stats around it are staggering and incredibly worrying.

I really can't offer any insight into that feeling that so much seems to need to happen on the first date (or 2) to seem to progress further. Maybe most people are just impatient these days and just too quick to move on. I remember searching for tips and ideas when I was trying to make sense of it and from what I read from a lot of different people it did seem like there was a strong expectation of 'fireworks' happening after the first or second date. Which baffled me, and I never really understood it as a way to form a long term relationship with someone.

The only other thing I can think of is asking yourself is there something in common with the women you do date? Like I said in a previous post, maybe there's just something about the women your are dating that makes them much more likely to have these expectations from the men they date.

Also, you said you've have been upfront with dates about how you feel but as part of that conversation, have you asked them how they feel about it as well? Are they introverted and like to take things slow as well? How did they feel about what you told them. If they seem to like to talk about this, then I would see that as a good sign, you've found someone more compatible.

Maybe we are both talking in circles with our combined lack of success over very long periods. But it seems to me that you shouldn't need to change too much about yourself. Unless you're doing or saying things that are rude or discourteous of course, but you seem smart enough, and self aware enough to know if you were doing anything like that. So it seems the the thing that probably needs to change is who these women are that you date. Finding someone who is more intune with your personality and principles, and who likes the person you are now. So maybe you just need to look for women like that, and that may mean looking in a different place than you are now or different women as you are now. I don't know... just throwing some thoughts out there. Maybe we need some female input. Thinking about it now is like reliving all of those questions and anxieties that dominated my thoughts back when I was trying to find any sense to it, or what else I could change or try.

I still wouldn't say my confidence has changed that much since back then, so the fact that you say your has increased so much is full credit to you and can only pay off for you eventually hopefully. Start to use that confidence to reframe your thinking about dating as 'being chosen' to two people choosing each other. Finding someone with similar interests and desires who you can relate to and bond with. I know it sounds a bit weird, but maybe if you keep focusing on your own persona growth and your own interests and happiness, that energy will get noticed. So keep building yourself up and don't forget that your worth is there whether another person sees it or not. Maybe you are just trying too hard to be something you're not, or not comfortable with, and people are sensing that.

@Former-Member

I totally see the need for a single persons support group. Loneliness is a silent killer.