Getting along with my carer

@Spirit_Healer

Asking for some space is okay. I know for me, continuing on would only make things worse so taking some space for yourself is a good move.

If you wanted to talk about what happened, i'm happy to listen, but I understand if you just want to chill right now. None of us are too far away if you do want to chat.

Thank you for lending an ear, @MJG017

I clash with my Dad. We both have strong personalities. And I'm an adult in my thirties, still living at home. He is my carer because he just retired in March. I'm a full-time worker, usually. It's only my second day at home, and sometimes it's too much.

He doesn't have as high EQ as I would like. Yesterday, I explained the 'fluff concept' to him.

I improvised to make up a visual metaphor:

Sometimes we need to bulk up our argument/message with 'fluff'. To make it more durable/better integrity for the core message...

Imagine that your core message in your communication/what you are trying to assert is the foam core of a good, supportive pillow. If there's no fluff protecting it, your core message could get damaged by external forces. In the case of communication, these forces include defensiveness in the form of 'daggers'. You need the fluff both to bulk up the pillow, to keep the core in shape and to maintain the core's integrity.

Now imagine that there is a lot of fluff in that pillow. It protects the core; even if the defensiveness 'daggers' stab the pillow, the core is protected.

The fluff is the words you use to talk in a roundabout, tactful or diplomatic way when you gently suggest a behavioural change to someone.

You should avoid saying "Don't do x". Especially to an adult child. They react defensively.

Yesterday, this came up. He asked me what were you thinking when...?

And I said "...Don't tell me what to do." The typical child's response to their parents.

He said "So it was rebellion."

I said "Not rebellion, but a natural, defensive reaction to not wanting to be told what to do."

I could tell after describing this metaphor that this discussion was overloading his brain, so I had to stop.

@Spirit_Healer

It definitely take some skill to ask someone something without being, or sounding, accusatory or judgemental... which often gets a defensive response.

Maybe you just need to add a tiny bit of fluff with your dad to start off with and keep adding little bits over time. Get him used to it. Like adding increasing amounts of vegetables to a childs meals over time to get them used to the taste.

@MJG017 @Shaz51

Mum is putting on our broth.

Dad is out getting 🍕

I'm chilling on my phone.

We're having dinner soon 😋

@Spirit_Healer

How are you feeling about things now? It is a bit more complex when your carer is also a family member. My husband is also my carer and sometimes the two roles don’t mix very well

Dinner sounds good @Spirit_Healer 😊

We had fried eggs 🍳 and fried tomato 🍅

@Oaktree , @MJG017 , @Jynx

@Shaz51 @Oaktree @MJG017 @tyme @Jynx @Ru-bee @rav3n @Glisten

I just got off the phone to SANE helpline two hours ago.

My Dad, who is my carer, is displaying an OCD obsessiveness and control when it comes to managing my medications. He's been updating my Wellness Plan either on the Word doc or handwriting in pen. making changes to the dosages and indications for my PRNs. Even though he's not a doctor. My friend and I have both reminded him over the past few days that mental health is not an exact science.

After the phone call, I calmly read out my pre-prepared speech to him. Basically, I said that I want to take responsibility for my own health, and I also understand that he is acting as a father, looking after his child. All he can say is: "I hear what you say". When he says this, he looks overwhelmed. I don't know what else I can do.

This 24/7 care has been going on for a week now, and it's really difficult.

Hoping for some emotional support and reassurance

Awww hun. It sounds like he is trying to hard to support you but is actually way out of his depth. I wonder if his desire to 'control' is actually because he knows MH is not something he can control? @Spirit_Healer

I can see how worried he is about you. At the same time, I hear that this is not helping you.

I wonder if what you have said to him tonight will sink in? You may have to repeat yourself a few times and be assertive.

Hi @Spirit_Healer

I agree with what @tyme said, maybe you dad is just trying to help the only way he know how and may just need you to keep repeating what you said to him to get him to accept that its not helping you right now and he needs to find another way. Sometimes we can just get so desperated to help those we love, that we forget to listen.

Clearly it is very difficult for you right now and im sure uts not easy for your dad either. But maybe just explain to him that you both need to be working in the same direction to help you and that he needs to listen carefully in order to give you the support you need right now. That you know he is trying hard, but you just need him to listen to you right now.

Maybe let him know its not something he can "fix" at the moment, and that you just need him to just support you through this.

I hope you can get him to understand soon and get on with focussing on your own well being.

@tyme will try. I will continue to make my voice heard, be assertive and advocate for myself and my own needs.

@MJG017 yes, I think it may be desperation. I know he loves me dearly and it must pain him to see me suffer so. Working in the same direction is a good way to put my hopes. I will try to get less worked up when I try to get him to listen. It is so hard.

This morning, I did calmly allude to how his 'control' might be a symptom of his feeling that my mental health is beyond his control. I am confident that this message will eventually get through to him, especially if I keep persisting, as I have.

Thank you both, for your support.